My Beautiful Life

Muhaha updating my life.. Ooops Lagging behind again(=.=)

2009-10-17T19:34:00.017+08:00

Well holy crap.. being lazy and stop updating my blog.. but nonetheless I will be updating my life!! Yea just wanted to keep track of my life.. a good/memory for my future self to re-read and laugh, "wow the younger me is like this..."

Being up and about.. work and living quite well.. hang out with all my besties..

Here it goes.. but I kind of forgotten which comes first or later muhaha

Went to Cineleisure with Bestie D to watch movie and have dinner at Billybombers. Nice food n milkshake!! And we went to HMV to shop awhile b4 movie, and Bestie got herself the pink ribbon bling bling ring =p Sadly this is the last time I wear the hairband.. Is lost after I got home.. dunno lost at where also.. haiz..

Met up with Bestie A and her fren for dinner at shokudo heeren and ice cream at orchard central.. 1st time going to shokudo, nt bad, like mache style, use card to order food =) They serve japanese food. And then we went to orchard central there, top floor there have ben and jerry ice cream =p so full after that!!

Bestie S has a guitar concert at the national museum and ask me to go support her =p I think I have rejected her too many times ever since she is at SMU, so this year Iam free, I went down to catch the concert with my sec fren and her husband =) After the concert, Bestie gotta join back her guitar group to celebrate and my fren and her husband got family dinner.. so I stay behind to visit the museum, I didnt know public holiday, the museum is open to public free.. Iam so frog in the well, and this is the 1st time going to the new museum. I went explore alone, since is already night, abit quiet. I went to this dark room that display traditional clothes, once inside, is all the mannequins inside the glass windows, then no ppl at all, I got scare and went out in less than a min. LoL. Then there is this session, introduce traditional food. And there is these 3 kids playing around, when they saw me, they pull me in to play with them these tubes that u can smell the ingredients, ask me smell n guess. Fun, the kids are really cute, at least they call me jie jie. Hohoho.

Went to chinatown with my collg to buy these medical oil that she can bring back hometown, after buying, we went to eat the egg pudding and have dinner at this korean restaurant. Alot of ppl have recommend this place. It turns out to be really good. The BBQ meat is nice, and like always it comes with the cold dishes. But is quite exp . And this is the place that I got a bad stomachache the next day, MC for work. Think I eat too much and abit too oily and spicy for me.

Attended my polymate's wedding at orchard hotel. The newlyweds being together very long, so it is really blessing that they can get marry =) The bride is really pretty with her red night gown. The dinner is nt bad. While waiting for the food, we busy taking photos, we even went to the toilet to take =p The toilet is pretty too haha. When it comes to the end, we went shake hands with the newlyweds and parents. I was taken surprise that the groom remember me. "You r LaiMan right? You have become pretty wor" Haha being compliment is really a blessing too =p

Is Bestie I's bday celebration, and our gang went to Bugis this coffee shop for Zi Char. The food is quite good, I especially like this seaweed chicken in a nice savoury sauce. And the cake is super nice!! Though I was very full from the food, but I couldnt miss the cake!! We had a nice time, catching up, eating, joking. And after dinner, we went to LG to chill out. Is rare that the guys wants to go too. We had a fun night too, especially 1 of them sing sexy back. Really LOL

Went to Illuma with Bestie B and W for dinner, and we went to this Jap restaurant to try. 1st time there, we will attracted cause it advertise there is lobster =p And I order a lobster Teppanyaki!! Not bad, i got half a small lobster, salmon, squid and lotsa mushroom!! Besties ate the mini ramen n gyoza set, and a prawn fritter cocktail. The prawn fritter comes in a cocktail glass. Nice display.

Haha is being really long since we last club. Bestie B organize a DoubleO on a friday night. I went to shop a suitable top for the night and bought this. I was really blur, I thought the top is meant to be worn this way, with the embroidery in front. When I cut off the tag, then I realised, it should the other way. But I didnt care, I think it suits me better this way. Anyway the night is quite happening =p Lotsa Booze and dancing!! DoubleO is mostly youngster crowd, so dont need to expect too much haha but is fun =) I was surprised that a xiao di di chat me up after the night end, but I chased him off cos I think he dont even know what he is talking LoL

Went to Bestie K new house to have a MJ session. The house is realy cosy and nice. Makes me wanna have a strong urge to have my own house. Not need to marry or wat. But my dream house is a condo apartment with balcony. Cosy n simple. Can throw party, gatherings anytime =p Anyway we share this bottle of wolf blass gold label red wine!! Really different grade!! We play till 4/5am, Iam totally mentally dead by then.. No need to guess, of cos I "pay sch fees" LoL

This is my new found love to hang out!! Modesto @ vivo, I luv the alfresco. Nothing beat a pot of tea, overseeing the sea, chatting with Bestie. I dont know if it is cause as getting older, I luv going to alfresco. When I was young, I will be like, I need air-con place, outside is too hot. But now is different, I luv alfresco, or bcos of my new habit =p Anyway, the last pic, this pair of kiddo is playing hide n seek, the older brother is hiding among the plants LoL I cant help but snap this pic.

Hee some random pics that I took with Besties while we go out. Anyway is memorable with Bestie A, our 1st time watching movie together!!

As usual, I always take pics of myself. I think I have become very self obsessed, literally a vainpot LoL. I think is a good way to monitor myself, like if I have change for better? Especially when I want to lose more weight LoL. The photos of myself are latest from the top. I have just recently cut a gai gai tou =p My fren comment that I very brave to cut such a short fringe, and I said is not I want also, the hairdresser cut for me =x

Just wanna share my Bestie's preciouses!! Arent they cute? Really lots of fun to play with them, looking at them, bao bao them, makes me feel old >.< And I cant imagine if 1 day I will have my own kids LoL

Trying to catch up with my blog ooppss

2009-09-15T21:57:00.004+08:00

Trying to catch up with my blog ooppss

Oops have been quite busy on days that no time n energy to blog.. I will try to catch up!!

What I have been up till now..

Things I have recently done!!

I went to Bestie W's fren chalet on a fri night till sat for some fun.. so after work rush home to pack my stuff and wait for Bestie W n fren to pick me up.. I brought along my blades too, since the chalet is near the pasir ris park. Haha as we leave around 10pm from my place, Bestie W's fren drive us to Bedok 85 for bar cho mee, as he said is on our way.. Is been so long since I had Bedok 85 bar cho mee.. Anyway we had fun at night drinking n playing cards, and drop dead around 3am.. The sat I finally woke up at around 11am, after some food, went blading and play with Bestie's fren's nephew.. after that he drive us to changi air freight center for lunch, as his vendor has a 7th month buffet there.. he bring us there for free food LoL

After the air freight center.. I make my way for a second round of chalet.. This time is my tikam frens from last time.. They have a chalet at Safra country club.. Pretty chalet.. It was enjoyable too.. I reached there quite late cos after spa.. But got ppl BBQ food for me yippie.. and after eating, we play mahjong.. I was quite bad at it.. long time never play.. so was pretty slow.. keep on kenna suan by them =o= Anyway this chalet is like a mansion, well equipped.. for public price is 200 plus per night, but my fren is under corporate rate, so much more cheaper.. And after check out in the morning, my fren drive us to Jalan Kayu for prata before heading home sweet home!!

Recently one fine working weekday, I knew my bro is not working, I asked him out to shop n dine at anchorpoint which is near our house.. I need heels badly haha.. of cos he agree after hearing that I will be treating him dinner.. He pick up 1 polo tee that night too..

Also.. Finally met Bestie A for dinner.. she is Miss Busy Busy LoL.. We met at orchard ION walk walk.. she said havent really walk there.. so we walk walk see see but never buy anything.. then we head to basement for food.. we bought snacks and sit at an empty not yet open store to eat.. and after that we went up to level 2 or 3 to sit there and chit chat.. chit chat about life..hear me ranting mine.. LoL.. Iam so glad to know Bestie A.. she's being there to encourage me n guide me throught all these while.. No amount of thanks can make up what she did..

I went to Bestie D house for a sleepover.. Super fun.. Eat Drink Chat Cam-whoring LoL.. Took like a hundred pics LoL.. Plus a great tan and swim.. swim 14 laps.. Yippie!!

Finally some of my self obsessed photos taken..Yea Iam a self declare vain pot LoL
Feel free to comment muhaha..

31-Aug-09

2009-08-31T23:26:00.002+08:00

31-Aug-09

Today is such a bad day.. Ever since I came in to the office, Iam very down.. Dunno why.. Today is last day of August, Monday Blues and Emo..

This Monday is so blue and emo that I feel like crying.. Especially after reading this "I'll be always beside you until very end, wiping all you tears aways, being your best friend, I'll smile when you smile, and feel all the pain you ...do, & if you cry a single tear, I promise I'll will cry too", this is Bestie D dedicated for me..

My heart is so heavy, no matter how I blast my headphone, it doesnt lift it up.. Feeling breatheless and as though Iam drowning..

And the Bestie QM comfort me -
"I wld love to b ur mirror, shining back at u wif a world of possibilities. I wld love to b ur witness, who sees u at ur worst & best, & loves u anyway. I wld love to 4ever b ur partner in crime, ur midnite companion, someone who knows when u r smiling, even in e dark..I m always here for u, dear!"
"When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there. Hugz..."

Iam not sure what makes me so emo.. maybe I dreaded September to come, cause it means it is almost a year ever since that.. Iam so scare I have not done enough.. not done enough.. This 1 year I work so hard.. I swear to myself that I want my revenge.. I wont lose.. yet I feel scared.. I feel confused.. Why am I still alone then..

I want that extra warmth in life.. sometimes yearn for it when Iam alone.. friends around me are attached or married.. that makes me feel more out of place.. feel more alone.. where is the love? I couldnt seem to find it, feel it and understand it.. it seems deep inside, I still feel my heart is locked.. I thought I have move forward.. but I dont know why I still feel is not enough..

Where am I now? Who am I now? What am I doing now?

30-Aug-09

2009-08-31T23:07:00.003+08:00

30-Aug-09

Today gonna meet my Bestie for movie and night out~~ We gonna watch The Proposal at Marina Square.. Turns out is a good movie, makes me want to cry but I hold back.. cos my face have make up.. Its a touching romance.. After that we head to one fullerton for coffee and chat.. is nice chill out place there facing the river..

We chat alot and before going home, we occupy the toilet to cam whore lol..

27-Aug-09/28-Aug-09/29-Aug-09

2009-08-29T20:30:00.009+08:00

27-Aug-09

Today is really a bad day to start...

Morning when I was on my way to work, Iam stuck in a traffic accident!! In the middle road 2 cars collide and block the whole darn 2 lanes road, only leave a small space for cars to pass by and no buses can pass through!! We will force to alight the bus and walk 4 bus stops to the main road to continue our journey!! And darn, I am wearing heels today!! My feet is gone by the time I finish walking the 4 bus stops.. All blisters.. Painful.. And of cos Iam late for work.. but I did inform my boss..

Lunchtime is raining cats and dogs, but I still need to leave the office to pass something to someone at TPY central.. as it is raining, I took bus to central instead of walking... anyway my feet hurts to even walk.. I reached early, so I went Mos Burger to pack my lunch back, I bought terriyaki burger and a corn soup!! Hot corn soup for a rainy day is so comforting!! After the meet-up, I make my way to the bus interchange, and there I was being stop by a HSBC promoter, ask me to sign up a card, actually I wanted to get a HSBC as there are some great discounts when using it, and the good thing is I dont need to fill up anything, the person will do it for me haha.. so I pass him my IC to photocopy.. first thing he exclaimed is "Wow u from Hong Kong ah, so good", I really am not surprise, as 80% who saw my ic will say this =o=, but the second thing he exclaimed is very embarrassing, "Wow u 85 ah, u very kei ai(cute) le", after he saying this, everybody turn and look at me.. darn embarassing lo.. Iam wearing my nerdy spec and no make up.. maybe my dressing? I wear very jap today, black floral dress with legging and heels(cause cold, rainy days).. he dont have to say so loud also..and I dont know how to react, so I just smile and say thanks.. well anyway he is sales promotor of cos he will say nice things about you.. so I didnt care much about this.. but is a funny episode, dont you think so?

After work, I went home straight to eat my mooncake!! Nice!! Not too sweet!! And the lotus is really smooth.. worth every cents!! Thanks Bestie A!!

28-Aug-09

Heehee today will be a packed and fun friday!!

After work, I went down to orchard robinson and john little to utilise my $40 vouchers from 2 years ago which going to expire in aug, a little hisory of the vouchers, is from my renewal of mobile plan 2 years ago for my current phone, so yea 2 years already unknowingly.. anyway initially I wanted to get a dress so my friend's wedding in september, but all the dresses from Robinson are like $200 and up, wth.. so in the end this is what I gotten..

- A set of Tsuya Tsuya feet treatment for the feet, haha cause my feet "suffer" too much already, must pampered them..
- A sexy girl hair cologne, Bestie D use this, that I try is very nice!! Thinking that next time if I ever go for a date, I will use this!! U know the packaging there the japanese words say this smell is seductive~~ muhaha
- A canmake pink nail polish, haha I dont know what to buy already, so just buy this to try..

After shopping I went down to ION to look my sec fren buddy N who works there, today is his birthday so there is sort of a gathering to celebrate his birthday, but cause there 3 who is working late cant make it, ends up left N, me, Bestie W and H.. I went to his shop to find him first, and suddenly surprise me by saying he got an extra pair of earring he bought so ask me to take it, cos if he get 2 pairs will be 50% off.. this is funny, I never get anything from him except those share bday present for me.. haha what a fren right..

He said he find this very classy, but I find it abit heavy after putting it on, but nonetheless I never had such big loop earrings before lol.. Thanks N!! We went to XIN WANG for dinner, as our initial plan to Swensen is out, there freaking lot of people.. I had noodles and red bean ice, nice!! Sorry no pic, as is almost 9pm, we were all too hungry to think about photo anymore lol.. After dinner, we accompany N to buy his birthday present for himself at DFS, oh yea my buddy N loves branded stuff lol..

He bought a huge Bottega Veneta(famous for woven design) carrier for himself as present =o=, and far right is his huge LV monogram bag =o= Oh yea the 1 sitting is H not N lol, N is in Pink chatting with the staff at DFS about his membership with DFS, yes he is a member =o="

After this we parted ways, as I am heading to St James Broiler!! Yea Bestie W invite me to go, as her fren is celebrating her bday there, we are on guest list, so no need entrance fee and we are there, there is already 2 bottles, so we dont need buy drinks too.. Lucky!! Actually initially all the ppl there are in logistic industry, so they will all chatting about work, boring for me, and the group is quite old, 2 married men(uncles), bday gal n bf, 1 nice lady.. this nice lady is quite cool, she is doing sales, ass marketing manager, imagine her pay cheque, no wonder she is a regular at Broiler and can have her guest list =o=, she especially reserve a table beside the room at broiler, so we can sit and still enjoy the songs and excitement of broiler without squeezing in there.. fun night, good music and live band!! The lady know the drummer of the live band, so she introduce us to him and we hang around with the drummer and his frens, 1 of his fren is from Hong Kong too.. here comes the funny thing, I chat with him for awhile, he said he came here to study since sec school and now helping father's business.. and I asked him , in Hong Kong where do he stay.. Know what? He said he stay at The Peak.. I hear already want to laugh, like huh he really stay at The Peak? He will be too exclusive to club at broiler, then Bestie say that you never know, maybe he do live at The Peak.. haha I dont care, we only chat as being customary.. Is a fun night!! Drinks, good music.. and I left at 4am..

Anyway Bestie W saw her collg's husband with a woman, she say is so sad to see this, her collg is pathetic to have a husband like this, the husband has been hinting a divorce, but the thing is that they only ROM but havent had the chinese customary, such a short span of love.. is sad if the guy is like this.. Bestie W say every man is like this, wanna have the best of both world, have a wife or gf and outside playing.. well but I must admit, club is a sinful place, it depends how u control yourself, u know how to play, u must know what u r doing and be responsible.. I have seen too much.. Married man out to play when wife is overseas, Attached man out to play when gf is overseas, all these hideous truth.. So it depends who you are..

And today Bestie W very sweetly patting my hand tell me "我的丽雯变漂亮了", is ever ever so heart warming to hear this..

29-Aug-09

Homey Day for me.. Previous night play too much and too late..

Sleep till noon then wake up.. and spend my day slacking in front of the computer lol...

26-Aug-09

2009-08-27T18:06:00.004+08:00

26-Aug-09

Haha work as usual, but something interesting do happen.. I was shock that my temp collg has just started with a relationship with 1 of our engineer.. I thought her expectation is higher.. My collg is very skinny, the guy is almost same height as her, fair n a bit chubby.. Of cos was happy for her.. And I was thinking how come Iam still single LoL.. Then my next seat collg say my expectation too high!! Want tall, smart, good looking(pleasing to my eyes) and abit on the bad side(so wont be boring - Iam a gemini).. Very high expectation meh? Then Iam asking myself am I that not sellable? How come I havent even met 1? It starting to irks me abit..scare really will be left on the shelf 1 day..

Today 1 of my collg met an car accident while crossing the road to our office and being sent to hospital.. I always take the same train as this guy and will walk behind him, but today I went to office earlier so didnt witness this.. but is quite chilling.. what if I am as usual and behind him.. will it happen to me?

After work, I went to meet Bestie A at TPY central to collect my mooncake, we pool together to buy get some discount!! Goodwood Park Hotel Mooncake.. I haven try mine, but Bestie is saying is darn nice!! I wanted to try when I go back home, but my mummy dear is reluctant to cut the mooncake, she said she cant bear to eat cause expensive and my little bro n daddy is not home yet, she wants to have it together.. Iam like sad.. cant eat..

Was chatting with Bestie A, complaining to her how come my life seems so monotone.. mon-thur work then home, fri after work meet frens, sat excerise with fren, sun home.. it becomes a routine for me.. but Bestie is saying everybody also seems to be this way ah.. Iam like then when will I ever meet the Mr Right? LoL.. chance? fate? Maybe I shouldnt wait and expect it to happen.. back to this nature logic that.. the more u want u wont get it.. and the less u want it will comes to u.. crossing my finger..

About this online guy.. I really have to step back and dont think and dont put in any feeling for my own safety.. I scare it the end Iam just taken for a ride.. I do feel bad that I dont trust him.. But once bitten, twice shy.. U wont want to be hurt again.. My fren is saying after 8yrs r/s heartbreak u r still standing and alive, whats so scary about this? All I want is I want to protect myself first, protect myself from being hurt, from this, I admit Iam selfish not to trust or put in anything. That is probably because we havent even meet, dont know how is the real person like. But I think this is the best, I need a guy to make me comfortable to open up myself again.. Till now, I still will corner myself, seal away my heart.. no more feelings like a robot..

25-Aug-09

2009-08-25T23:41:00.002+08:00

25-Aug-09

Work as usual... Nothing special.. But Iam lucky I have good collgs that can joke and make fun with, so the day is not that boring...

Since Monday, I sort of like semi fast with my collgs, I eat breakfast of bread and soya milk when I reach office, but I skip lunch and the late afternoon I will take a muesli bar as I need work OT

After work, I reached 8.30pm, I went straight to jog.. I just not in good mood, so went for a run.. I do feel abit hungry, but I know I cant eat.. should take liquid food, if not I run for nothing..

23-Aug-09 / 24-Aug-09

2009-08-24T17:39:00.004+08:00

23-Aug-09

Today is a home day for me, as Iam not feeling well still..
I spend the afternoon watching jap drama, finally finish my Zettai Kerashi SP with a pack of tissues!! Is really sad.. Recommended!! Thumbs Up!! And I watch the Lovely Complex movie too!! Nice!! About love which height doesnt matter!!

Frankly, I did spend alot of time texting this online fren, I think is getting complicated..We have not meet and yet we are like texting everyday.. I admit I do like him so far and interested, and he said the same thing.. But the thing is he is leaving for Spain next year cause of work, which Iam rather disappointed with, cause I only knew that recently.. and worst case is he add on saying that alot female friends interested in him but dont want to commit cause knowing he is leaving soon.. and he asked me how do I feel about it.. Truthly, when I heard this Iam pissed, dunno why, but I feel like Iam being taken a ride.. but what can I say? We have not even meet each other!! So I just told him, congrats on getting an offer to work in Spain, not many people will have the chance afterall!! What can I say? As much as Iam pissed, I feel that I shouldnt care so much, we have not meet, not even friends, can we have a relationship together? I shouldnt care so much, just carry on my life!!

24-Aug-09

Monday bluezzz for work..
No mood for work..
And abit sick still, with all the cough and block nose..
My collg still say my voice sexy haha..
Around 5 plus, my mother called me, I thought she ask me to help me get things or wat, but actually is she want to ask me how am I.. That instant I feel like crying, her love and care for me is like infinite.. how can I do without her 1 day? The thought like this scare me.. Shortly around 7pm, my brother call me, he was outside and want to ask me if I want any food, he too know Iam sick, so he ask if I want porridge or other soupy stuff.. I really touch by him too.. I feel warm suddenly and being loved, all long I feel my inside in cold from that day on, it has been very cold...

20-Aug-09/21-Aug-09/22-Aug-09

2009-08-23T00:42:00.002+08:00

20-Aug-09

Nothing much about today.. work as usual and OT till 8pm..
Heart is not there... and nothing seems to be good haha.. whatever Iam thinking..

21-Aug-09

Today after work, finally I got to meet my Bestie S whom always up in the sky, hard to get hold off.. LoL.. By the by, this morning, I was so rush getting to work, I just anyhow wear and grab my things.. so I wear abit like go club, and everybody in office just tease say i going party LoL..

We meet at Marina Square, as she in cutting hair, I walk around and bought myself a discounted fox black top, and some sale accessories from mphosis.. money spend again lol.. then after she finish, we head to eat thai food for dinner.. the tang hoon is so spicy that I swear I wont order this again!!

And 1 bad thing is, the aircon in the restaurant is bloody cold, Iam not sure is it becos we sit under the aircon.. but is really freaking cold.. we keep shivering so much that we gave up eating half way.. LoL

And we rush out to the open to defroze and chat.. but I was not feeling well suddenly.. I cough badly and feel like vomiting, so went home straight.. dunno why suddenly become like this.. I do feel that I have sore throat, but didnt expect this, and i really did vomit after I reach home.. Sian..

I feel so bad that I went to bed immediately..

22-Aug-09

Is quite a fruitful day as I did alot of stuff!!

I start off the day by going to marriot hotel to attend the G2000 fall winter collection focus group to rate their collection.. I was surprised I was being invited, cos the reward not bad, 100 gift voucher muhaha.. I reach there around 11am and I finished by 12pm.. and they provide refreshment as well..

Afterwhich, I head to Taka Kino to get magazine for Bestie QM as I will be visiting her later.. add on, I bought her some famous amos cookies too as gift haha.. so sad I sick cant eat.. so I grab a mr bean set at the mrt station when I on the way to visit her for myself..

I stay and chat with her till 4pm before heading to attend the Japanese summer festival with my collg, I was curious how it will be like, as the last time I went is during poly days.. to my surprise there are so many people.. really turn off.. so we hang around abit, eat some stuff and left for home at 7pm.. and so sad not much cute jap guys around to feast my eyes on lol..

18-Aug-09 / 19-Aug-09

2009-08-20T12:23:00.002+08:00

18-Aug-09

Work sucks as usual.. but I was looking forward to meet my Bestie D after work!! So long never see her.. Shw was sick for 2 weeks =o=

After work, I meet her at Far East to have dinner, walk around.. I also want to look around any cheap nail parlour to do mani and pedi, as my collg want to go for pedi and ask me along..

We ate the wanton noodles at basement, not to bad!! And then we shop around for accessories.. I bought 3 leather-like bracelets for my cool rock style dress-up muhaha.. and Bestie bought a rock star bracelet too.. after shopping, we end our day by walking towards wheelock there to get starbucks and sit by the road to chat, we chat quite long b4 heading home!! I really miss her!!

19-Aug-09

Today after work, me and my collg straight away head to far east for our mani and pedi, the price not too bad, $40 for both.. from 6pm to 8pm..

The sales did psyhco us take package, but i dun feel it as a need.. I only do mani and pedi occasionally.. 1 bad thing is, I think the person push back my cuticle too much, after the session, my finger is bleeding =o= I didnt realise until Iam on my way home, cos I choose the nail colour red.. they blend well together LoL...

Hmm recently I know this online friend, and we start chating on msn and sms almost everyday.. but we have not meet at all.. Iam kind of dreading to meet, cos I am really not confident to meet, Iam not confident of myself.. I know this is real bad.. even my besites encourage me to just be more confident, I have changed for the better.. Now is time to choose others and not people choose me.. But I keep thinking am I better now? Better so wont be rejected easily? I admit I still have shadows of the past.. and I will never forget this sentence "I feel disgusted just standing beside you".. I will never forget this sentence, and I swear I will become prettier and I wont lose!! Where can I find my confidence?..

17-Aug-09

2009-08-18T15:00:00.003+08:00

17-Aug-09 Monday

Monday Bluezzzz, so sian working life.. Today was quite busy, so at least time passes very fast..

After work, I went for my monthly facial, wait so long for the bus.. I reach the Aunty place at 8pm and finish at 10pm (=o=') As usual darn painful!! I nearly half dead when I left!! But as my Bestie say that is the price to pay for being pretty, so Iam willing to bear with it!!

Iam confused.. I really dont know how to trust some1, can I believe what he said? I want to believe, yet a part of me really skeptical about this.. Afterall we have not meet, but we are texting everyday..

I really dont have the confidence about myself, Iam very conscious about my outer appearance, what if Iam still too fat? Not good looking? Iam scare of being rejected cause of these.. once bittern twice shy..

But Bestie B encouraged me to step forward.. She said I have work very hard and has come so far, dont waste my efforts. She said I have to have more confidence about myself..but is so difficult.. maybe another 10kg more, I will be more confidence..

Anyway I have sorted out more thoughts, I will meet him 1 day still.. I wont care the results..

Anyone sell confidence pills? =p

14-16-Aug-09

2009-08-16T20:46:00.006+08:00

14-Aug-09

Work is really sian, especially is friday!! Cant wait for the clock to strike 6pm!!
But today at work is pretty cool!! My collg bought us Beancurd for after lunch dessert!! Yummy!! And at 4pm, we got snack from the project manager, for making up no celebration for National Day haha, I think somebody complain why never celebrate.. haha and we had subway, abit weird lo 4pm eat subway.. after I eat so darn full!! No need dinner!!

After work, Iam meeting my group of tikam frens, we are going to the Toys fair at Suntec, walk walk see see. Is being so long since meeting them!! After walk walk, Iam only interested in the Bylthe Dolls. Last time I was a serious toys collector, now no more after the break up. No longer has the meaning and reason to collect anymore. Though I dont collect anymore, but I still hang around with them, we have known each other for years, and Iam the baby of the group, always well taken care of haha.. But I really glad to know them.. really glad..

In the past, we do meet up weekly, but now seems months then we meet up. Today meet up, they say I lose weight quite successfully. Iam happy that I did, and it motivates me to continue on!!

Love these Blythe Dolls, Kawaii ne~~

15-Aug-09

Today I went for a Dior's new foundation preview.. it was crowded, didnt know they are so many ppl.. but it was fun, the MA demostrate how to do nude make up, teach u the brush techniques.. overall really enjoyable.. but Iam on make up ban!! No more cosmetics for awhile!! I really tempted to try the foundation!! But I manage to hold my wallet!!

Then after the Dior's preview, Bestie W and I went to East Coast to look at inline skates, cos we are tired of renting, and dun like to rent smelly stuff haha.. after much heartpain and temptation... we fianlly bought it!! A full set of skates for $289, next month I have to eat grass le..

But look at my new baby!!

Mummy dear keeps nagging, why I so implusive and spendthrift.. But I wanted to buy long ago, I enjoy skating.. then I realise I wanted to tune my piano too.. haizzz like so many things to do..

16-Aug-09

Today is my visiting Bestie Qm day.. haha now is like officially every sunday.. Last week I promise her I will bring her fav food fried rice and pork chop.. cause these stuff she can hardly eat now.. and I decided to bake something too.. Want to try my baking skills..

So early in the morning, I make an appointment with mummy dear and little bro at chinatown for breakfast and go market.. we ate breakfast first at the hawker centre.. we order too much, in the end eat until stomach bulge out haha.. yea I think is a blessing to have a sunday morning with your closest.. I always treasure every moment..

Dont ask me why I am not in the photo, is too early, I look sucky with naked face haha..

Back home, I rush my baking - condense milk pound cake.. 1st try.. wasnt that sucessful, the temperature and time.. so hard to clinge it..

And I bring the food fast to Bestie Qm place, cos i taking too much time le.. Haha I reach her place around 4pm and we chated for 2 hrs.. really miss her!! We talk alot, and she question me about the new man in my life.. haha there arent any new man in my life.. is just an online fren whom I didnt even met b4.. but I do have abit of feeling.. just that I dont dare to let it out.. I really scare.. I no longer can differentiate what is love and stuff.. What is a person cares for you feel like? What is a person like you feels like? I start questioning my bestie for answers like Iam a robot without any feelings.. I think I had lost them all.. I really do..

2009-08-13T23:29:00.000+08:00

13-Aug-09 Thursday

Another busy day at work..And then there is this dialogue with the vice president in the afternoon about how is the co doing, oh man, is really not looking good, the economy is still very bad.. I am crossing my fingers now as my contract ends on early nov...

Anyway recently make an online fren, say intersted to be frens, and we chated for quite awhile. I do have a good impression of him among others, is really down to earth chatting, no over flirting or acting cute.. but when he asked for a first date.. I totally suddenly freak out.. Iam really very conscious about my appearance.. What if Iam too fat, face too fugly? I just suddenly freak out... and then I sort of calm down, is ok, just be it, if it meant to be, it will be, I gotta have more confidence.. And he said he will only be free next month, and 1st date shall be running.. what a good choice man.. anyway I didnt bother it anymore, and shall not be bothered.. who knows what will happen in a month.. and street smart people will know.. never trust the internet too much..

Haha shall not make myself mentally tired, concentrate on losing more weight =)

12-Aug-09 Wednesday

2009-08-12T22:40:00.002+08:00

12-Aug-09 Wednesday

Today at work is a tired day.. Busy Busy Busy.. Cos of 1 stupid vendor that send nonsense for me to clear..

Back home, while changing out clothes. I went to dig out more old jeans that I couldnt wear last time to try on again, it fits, and it motivates me to lose more!! But it seems really hard to lose at my age now, it could be easier when younger cause as we get older, our body function slower and metabolism goes down.. I really want to lose more.. another 10kg I will be dead happy..

Talking to mummy dear, she brought up last sat, I thought she couldnt bring it up, I thought I have escaped. She said Iam almost half dead on sat night, nag about should not go all the way if I cant. I admit Iam abit careless, I thought I could hold up more. I smile sheepishly at mummy dear, and tell her I will be more careful next time. It warms me that mummy dear really care about me, love me..

Just wanna share

2009-08-11T22:20:00.003+08:00

Just wanna share

——在错的时间，遇见错的人，是一种无奈。
——在错的时间，遇见对的人，是一声叹息。
——在对的时间，遇见错的人，是一种悲伤。
——在对的时间，遇见对的人，是一种幸福。

当我不再亮着头像等待你上线的时候
我已经在悄悄的不爱你了

当我不再为了一条没回复的信息苦苦期盼的时候
我已经在悄悄的不爱你了

当我接到你的电话依旧是喜出望外
但是却言不由衷的时候
我已经在悄悄的不爱你了

当我有了开心或难过的事情选择一个人承受的时候
我已经在悄悄的不爱你了

当我路过我们回忆的街头
我只是想起
而不会再去怀念的时候
我已经在悄悄的不爱你了

当我慢慢的屏蔽关于你的一切消息
选择在你的世界消失的时候
我已经在悄悄的不爱你了

当我刻意回避手机中的简讯和曾经写过的信件
当我把它们深深掩埋却没有销毁的时候
我已经悄悄不爱你了

当你以为我还在爱你的时候
其实我已经不爱你了

不要试图再打击我
因为你已经没有了我爱你的资本

我不再是以前的我了
我不会低声下气地求你原谅我
我不会半夜不睡觉却傻傻地等你的电话

我不会不和我最好的哥们出去
只因为怕你生气
怕你吃醋
怕吵架

一切的一切又回到从前了
回到从前一个人走

一个人过
一个人哭笑的日子
一个人隐身从不上线的日子

自由是困在牢中的野兽
放开了拳头
也许才能更自由
也许我是在骗自己
也许我还爱着你
虽然地球再转
但是没有你
我一样很精彩

我可以每天和朋友去打球
我可以每天和朋友去吃饭
我可以每天陪妈妈在家
哪怕不说话
我也知道妈妈在干什么

我可以每天找我的朋友
玩什么
去哪玩
已经不再考虑你了

和男的出去
和女的出去
也是我自己的事情了
你没权利再问我了

我可以去做我想要做的一切事情
因为我自由了

亲爱的
不要问我我们的爱呢
因为是你先忘记我们爱的方向
你放开了我的手

现在我要给你我最后也是最好的温柔
你会听到我对你说...
我给你自由
我给你自由
我给你自由
我给你自由
我给你全部全部全部全部自由......

以后如果我在舞台上唱歌给我爱的人听的时候
请相信
里面有你
谢谢你
我曾经爱过的你

也谢谢你
曾经爱过我的你...

11-Aug-09 Tuesday

2009-08-11T21:43:00.002+08:00

11-Aug-09 Tuesday

Haizzz 1st day of work after long weekend.. How come my long weekend like just fly by??
Expected, when I took the morning bus, he is right there too.. I dont dare to peep at him anymore, scare he recognise me, I really pray he dont.. haha I start to think this is all nonsense, I dont even think we will ever talk to each other at all.. so keep it as my crush from afar haha..

Back in office, whole day feel restless, sleepy.. trying to keep myself awake till 8pm.. but 1 bad news, my boss saying now project slowing down, so we dont need to do much OT, it will be cut down soon.. Oh man I will have less money now!!

Recently my bestie faced with relationship problem, she care for the guy very much, always think for him, yet the guy dont seems to feel it or maybe taking it for granted. That hurts my bestie alot.. well I'm nt the right person to comment about this as Iam single.. but I dont think any gal deserve this.. caring for a person yet the other party dont take it to heart.. My bestie told me she will give herself half a year to treat the bf very nice and then break off.. My 1st qn is what for? Bestie said she thinks she owes him that or she thinks she did not treat him well enough..so this half a year she will do her best to treat him well.. I can feel there is alot of love for the guy, you are still giving till the end, which I think is very selfless.. Can I do that?? I think I will if it is in the past "me" when I really love alot.. But the now "me" I dont think I can do it..

09-Aug-09 & 10-Aug-09

2009-08-10T20:30:00.003+08:00

09-Aug-09 Sunday

Is national day!! I thought I wouldnt go out, cause is so freaking lotsa ppl. But but but, there is this Stage Cosmetics sale going on, and only valid on national day. So no choice, I have to go out!! At first, trying to find friends go, but none is available. Haizzz, so just when I wanted to head out alone. Bestie W contacted me, she want to ask me out lunch with her fren at amoy street which is quite near my house. But too bad I just had mine earlier on!! So I asked her if she wants to head to town with me for awhile before she meet her bf. And we arrange to meet an hour later cause I need to prepare muhaha!! Guess what?! An hour later Bestie W called to check where I am, and I told her Iam still waiting bus at my house bus stop!! Cause she wanted to fetch me with her fren's car, but they knew I would take long to prepare hence they use the time to go to Bedok to get Goreng Pisang (Fried Banana) and then head to town!! Bestie W joke and asked if Iam touched? They go all the way to Bedok to get me Fried Banana!! Iam like yea touch man, cause u knew I will take long to prepare and dont want wait for me!!! Haha Iam joking, I knew I take alot of time to prepare, must dress up n make up, so no choice!!

And we got our things within an hour or so, and we parted our ways around evening with fried banana in our stomach!! I wanted to head home fast, cuase I dont want to get jam by crowds!! After I reach home, I realised Iam home alone... My mum went Malaysia with fren over long weekend, my brother got national day duty and my dad went out too.. But is ok, I have lotsa things to do alone at home, like check emails, play facebook and edit my photos and blog!!

10-Aug-09 Monday(Public Holiday)

Woke up early, but abit relutant cause is drizzling and the weather is perfect for sleeping!! However, I have already arranged to go Bestie W house for a run before going to visit my Bestie QM. There is this new route from Bestie W house can run all the way to bukit batok little guilin. We are trying to build up stamina for our stand chard 10km marathon!! Haha in the end we only manage half of the route and turn back.. so total we run n walk for 3km plus..

After the run n shower, we went to meet Bestie I so that we can go together to visit Bestie QM. We stay there for almost 3 hrs to chat and catch up. Bestie QM is looking better day by day and Iam so glad. I was really heart pain for her to go through such an operation. Bestie QM say she miss outside world so much, we console her by promising her when she is well enough, we will take her anywhere!!

After visiting Bestie Qm, I go back home, cause mummy dear has come back to singapore and I want to spend time with her =) Today, my house only have me and mummy dear at night, so I went to pack away some food for us. I bought po piah and yam cake from QIJI at Tiong Bahru where my train stops. But it didnt taste as nice as other outlets. What a shame..

At night my fren sms me say want to meet at vivo, cause they are at vivo. But I already call mummy dear before that, so I turn down their offer haha and they reply me say I such a good gal stay home. Well, for me now, there is nothing else except my family and besties...

Hello Iam back!!

2009-08-10T00:01:00.004+08:00

Hello Iam back!!

I have gotten lazy for not updating my blog and I have repent seriously!! So now Iam back blogging about my life!! All these will become my most treasured memories in future!!

Is going to be a year after broke up, living a single life, I guess I have adapted well by now. I have been very independent now. I have accepted the fact of lonliness within. I know how to deal with lonliness my way. But life for me, most of the time is still fun and nice. I treasure every moment.

I hope I have change for better!! My besties commented I have change alot, I have become more mature. Outlook change, mentality change, thinkings change. After going through all this, I think is natural to change and become a different person.

And my change did shock my sec guy fren haha. We were at a gathering and we were talking about prospective bf/gf attributes. When is my turn to comment, I said I think is impt my bf and husband to be, must love me, dote on me, has a good career, has a car and a house. And this very guy friend say Iam practical, isnt love owns all? then I said 爱情能当饭吃吗？He got a shock from what I say, and he said when I have become like this? Last time I wouldnt say like this. And I replied I have change then, my thinking of love and stuff has changed. But Iam still me, my character all those never change. He jokingly ask me to choose him cos he got all those I list out. Our whole table roar with laughter, we say he like selling himself off. He is a good fren defintely!!

And I unknowingly has become a vain-pot!! My bestie influence me to become a vain-pot who loves self shot herself muhaha.. I feel that when you are young, you must grab hold of youth. Like acting cute and take silly photos is still ok for me now. I doubt I will do this when Iam in 30...

Polymate's Welcome Back Party - 08-08-09

2009-08-09T23:18:00.005+08:00

Polymate's Welcome Back Party - 08-08-09

My polymate just return from his study at Aus, so we threw a welcome party for him, and it has been long time since we all get together!! I knew is a not easy party, as everybody now busy working and studying. But the turn out is really good. Haha I think cause the guys bring their gfs and gals bring their bfs, so more ppl la. Is a pot luck party, everybody have to bring something!! So I brought my self made brownie and I bought pie kia, but in the end, I lag all these back home, cause too much food, cant finish...

Is really a nice catch up!! 1 guy fren even comment I look like jap gal now, my dressing everything, I thought all along Iam like this??

A long time fren also apppear this time, cos she getting marry soon in Sept, so she came down to pass invitations haha..

And we all have fun with chatting, joking and play games, like what we all used to do!!

Hee side track now, 1 funny thing happen today also...

Everyday I will take the 7.30am bus from my house bus stop to work, and there will be this guy taking the same bus too. I have noticed him for a long time, haha Iam not pervert ok, I just abit interested in him. He looks dark and sporty type, short brown hair, looks very wholesome kind. Every morning, I just take a few glances haha.

And then this very 08-08-09 stupid day, I woke up at noon and wanted to bake brownie for the pot luck. I realised I dont have eggs, so I quickly changed, brush teeth, wash face to rush downstairs to buy eggs. After getting the eggs, I wanted to go to the convenience store to check out if they have a 8 inch square pan for baking, cos I dun have 1 and I actually intend to just use foil and a 7 inch square ring to bake. So just pass by, if have then I buy. I was browsing the store, and found 1 looks like 7 inch pan, so I wanted to ask the shop keeper what is this exact size and if they have a 8 inch pan. Just when I went to the counter and open my mouth, my jaw drop, is that exact guy I saw everyday, I didnt know he is the shopkeeper's son!! Now u know how rarely I do buy things downstairs!! That point of time, I just wanted to give back the pan to him and run off!! Iam in my lousy home clothes, specs, naked face and messy hair!! But is so obviously I wanted to ask something, so I cant just run away. Taking a deep breath, I just softly ask what is the size of pan and if they have 8 inch pan. Like what I expect, he measure only 7 inch and they didnt have any stock for 8 inch. And I jsut smile and say thank you but I looking for an 8 inch pan and left the store.

Is just so stupid!! Why would I see him in this pathetic state? I really hope he dont recognised me!! Anyway I just being dumb haha.. I dont even know if he is gay, got gf or marry? Just my 1 sided little piece of story!!

Hang out with Bestie D - June - July

2009-08-09T22:56:00.004+08:00

Bestie D Bday - June

Hee thie year Bestie D bday, she invited me to her house for a sleepover to celebrate. It was really cool!! My 1st time pyjamas party!! And we have lots of fun taking photos!!

And then we fix a day to celebrate with Bestie Wy together!!

Hang out with Bestie D - July

I think it has been awhile since I last hang out with Bestie D, she is a busy gal haha. But I always enjoy each meet up with her!! We eat, we drink, we take photos!! Muhaha, we are the vain-pot buddy!!

We went to have steamboat at Seoul garden, cos got 1 for 1, if not dun think we will ever go!!

And we went Queen Mangosteen at Vivo, that place really nice ambience, but the menu price is not friendly!!

Cosfest 2009

2009-08-09T22:05:00.005+08:00

Cosfest 2009 - July

Haha I must admit, I love reading comics, watching anime. Iam a 宅女 and proud of it!!
I went to cosfest 2009 with my collg who happen to be a 宅女 too!! It is really fun!! See so many characters!! We even say next year we should cosplay next year!!

Hee hee we are at the cosfest!!

Reborn - Future Hibari!! Got the auora!!

DMC Vs Mask Rider!!

I really like the movie, wanted to ask him take a pic with me, but I shy la!!

I didnt know mask rider pose like this!!

Haha I help her to ask for a pic with the Gintama Cosplayer, he really quite tall!!

黒執事, Kuroshitsuji, really cool trio!!

This 妹妹 really cute hor!!

Gundam Mania!!

Princess Keira Full Month & Kayden Outing

2009-08-09T21:18:00.011+08:00

Princess Keira Full Month - June

My dearest bestie just give birth to her second child, a baby gal, Princess Keira.
She is blessed with a happy family now, I'm so happy with her, this is happiness, so much so money couldnt buy this kind of happiness. I felt her happinerss whenever I see her prince and princess =) Truthfully, this is the life I always long for, but it just all went so wrong in the end.. All just vanished in the thin air.. This is life bah.. I wish someday I will have this kind of happiness.. I wish I wont give up this thought.. The me now is *silence*..

Anyway here is the photos!!

Me with baby keira..

Group photo..

Mummy with baby

Bro and sis, so sweet!!

Kayden darling own self shot!! He really inherit his mother's obesess lol..

Keira sweetie~~

Prince Kayden's Outing with many Jie Jie - July

Some random foodie I have eaten recently

2009-08-09T20:53:00.008+08:00

Some random foodie I have eaten recently

Hee this snack I always cant resist.. Guess? Green tea biscuits, can only get at japanese supermart..

Went to this taiwan eatery at citylink, food so-so, only ambience attracts me..

Went back to the cafe at my old school which has now become an office place, and this mushroom soup is awesome!!

Have finally try the pasta cafe at Taka..

Becos of my nice, I have a chance to try the she says must try home made coconut ice cream from mertius mandrain hotel.. Cos she has the american express.. now offer 1 for 1.. Vedict is really freaking nice!! Coming from a no coconut eater..

I'm Back!! Fighto!! Part 2

2009-07-05T20:07:00.023+08:00

I'm Back!! Fighto!! Part 2

The updates continues.. So many stuffs haha

Celebrated Mother's Day.. Finally a chance to take photos with them =o=

Then Father's Day celebration... my little bro getting more handsome

Finally gotten a chance to take with him.. hope to take more in future!!

I like going Swensen's for their salad bar hee..

And my sec's fren wedding during May, 2nd time doing "Sisters".. The bride is really beautiful..

Haha I help the photopgraher to take a picture, poor him only help others take.. but my photogarphy skill good right? Haha he told me he like this pic, make him handsome muhaha

This is me.. I swear I will lose more weight!! Still darn fat..

Self shot on the way via car, think the groom's "brothers" cant stand my narcissism lol..

The night part of wedding dinner...

At the reception table...

Self shot again muhaha...

And is my 24th bday, Iam really thankful for those who help me to celebrate!! Love you all!! Sob!!

My polymates help me celebrate by having steamboat!!

And then celebrated with my Bestie D and WY...

And then my office also celebrated with me...

For June..

I'm Back!! Fighto!! Part 1

2009-07-05T19:07:00.012+08:00

I'm Back!! Fighto!! Part 1

Haha Iam not sure if any1 is still following my blog, I have been missing for awhile, due to work and some other reasons. But this half year passed by, I have progress, become more independent, stronger and take life easier.. I'm still reflecting myself, wanted to do even more this last half a year before it finally come to closure again..

Let's share with you guys what I have been doing this half year bah.. Starting Jan..

That is my new ear peircing, loving it each day.. I know is abit crazy to pierce there.. But I find that place very sexy n cool.. Worth every single pain!!

A Brand New Year

2009-01-15T23:48:00.007+08:00

Was really busy starting new year.. work.. but I did find time to hang out with friends and stuff.. And did alot of things to occupy myself..

Bestie QM and me went to try out hellipad @ central rooftop.. really cool place.. it overlooks the clark quay river.. occasionally can see and hear screams from ppl who are playing the bungee thingy.. we ordered a bottle of red wine to chill out the night.. really relax and can feel the night breeze..

Bestie QM organised a poly mates gathering at her co recreation centre.. she booked a huge KTV room n there are other facilities such as ping pong, pool table, massage chairs and wii.. I finally get to try the wii.. I didnt like it.. Lucky I did try cos I wanted to buy.. now I can keep my money to invest on other stuffs.. Is really a fun day.. has being quite long since christmas..We brought food and drinks.. I bought a bottle of moscato wine there only to realise is only 5.5%, but is a nice fruity wine.. Bestie B teased me.. she said wow now 5.5% is nothing to you.. muhahaha kinda.. 5.5% to me, doesnt have that kick anymore.. I need more muhahaha..Think we did make use of the KTV room.. sing non stop since we step in.. after that went to boat quay the craven to chill..

Hee actaully we planned a surprise belated bday dinner for my collg at the famous porridge place near TPY sports centre.. Bestie WY and me left office first saying we got stuff later on and we hurried to buy a small cake and get a table there first.. She really did get surprised when she saw us at the restaurant.. The food not bad.. Finale we wanted to make excuse to go toilet but instead get the cake from the kitchen.. But she followed us there =.= no more surprise.. haiz.. but nonetheless she really appreciate our effort..I do feel happy organising too..

For the past few weeks I have been working 7 days a week, cos this year I tried baking these cookies for sale.. Bestie Qm encouraged me to try as she help me to get order from her co.. The sale did goes well.. Muhaha.. It really feels nice when some1 compliment that it taste nice..Hope next year can try more variety..

Woooo... this is nice.. Lays is cucumber favour.. My collg ask her fren to bring back from Shanghai.. Haiz y we couldnt have this in sg.. it does really taste cooling.. Iam addicted to it muhahaha.. This candid pic taken from my collg.. I was filing some stuff..see.. Iam surrounded by papers..

The last bit of 2008

2009-01-15T21:44:00.008+08:00

The Last bit of 2008

My Kawaii gals.. really lovely

Received my 1st christmas gift.. my fav color too.. purple..

The utensils was quite cute, in a stand.. with matching cup lol..

The only stuff that interest me, desserts.. nice in a shot glass..

My boss treat us gals to a christmas lunch buffet at Royal Scotts Hotel. The ambience is quite good.. but I find the food only sub standard.. was expecting more..but notheless was very fun outing..

Ok these tees cost $70 plus each, is a brand name "smudge" by local singer JJ Lin.. we have the honour to borrow and wear for awhile lol..

Fun..think cos we are the youngest and the noisest there..

Say cheese and merry christmas..

The magnet bears each have our names.. can spot mine?? Is a gift from boss lol..

My poly mates christmas party.. theme angel vs devil.. haha and we are the devils.. my sexy devils bestie!!

Yea!! Me the devil!! LOL

Saw the angels?? Here are the angels..

My Bestie and her little prince.. Cute right.. He is 2 already!! Fast!! Psst she having another one soon.. tsk tsk envy..

He is neither angel nor devil.. He wanna be Little Shrek!!

His idea of a christmas tree.. I find it really cool!!

The birthday boy is being carried!!

Am having a private christmas with bestie D, is like a candle light dinner for 2 lol..we order pizza and got a bottle of wine..

Gift exchange lol..sweet right..

Since Bestie wore red.. I dress her up as devil and help her take devil shoot.. I always wanted be a photographer lol..

My Skills not bad right.. Pro ma??

So darn happening and fun that night.. wish more to come in years lol..

Christmas presents from all besties!! The awsome thing is from bestie gabe, the wine bottle umbrella!! He said is a reminder to ask me drink lesser.. cos the bottle wrote 0%..LOL really special present!!

Thumb drive from the polymates exchange gift.. haha wonder who give de.. the rest are from company.. cool..

Well that is all the last bit of 2008.. It was all really fun.. Iam blessed to have such fun and get to hang out with so many besties!!

21st Dec 2008

2008-12-21T14:42:00.002+08:00

21st Dec 08

My fren sent me this video, is a promo video for Lenovo Ideapad S10

Its a sad video..of cos I did cry after watching it..it sort of dig up my past..though the death part is abit ridiculous but nonetheless is a sad love story..and lately I have been listening to JJ songs thanks to a mei mei..and I like the always online song.. catchy..

Some songs I'm addicted now...

Crush - David Archuleta
When I 1st heard of this song, totally in love with the tunes, 2nd 3rd time and so forth when I catch the lyrics, it just blend in so well.. "Do you catch a breathe when I look at you?".. Iam crapping but hope 1 day I will have a crush again, or somebody have a crush on me.. this insatiable feeling..

林俊傑 JJ - 我還想她

淚水將我淹沒到底誰該難過
究竟是誰放掉這段感情
我才終於明白辦不到的承諾就成了枷鎖
現實中幸福永遠缺貨

請告訴她我不愛她
笑著難過自我懲罰
想終止這一切掙扎橫了心說真心謊話

別告訴她我還想她
恨總比愛容易放下
當淚水堵住了胸口就讓沉默代替所有回答

我不愛我不痛我不懂
我的心早已掏空
真心話言不由衷

Thanks to a mei mei..been listening to JJ.. this is another in his latest album that I like..

楊丞琳 Rainie - 帶我走

每次我總一個人走
交叉路口自己生活
這次你卻說帶我走
某個角落就你和我

像土壤抓緊花的迷惑
像天空纏綿雨的洶湧
在你的身後計算的步伐
每個背影每個場景
都有發過的夢

帶我走到遙遠的以後
帶走我一個人自轉的寂寞
帶我走就算我的愛你的自由都將成為泡沫
我不怕帶我走

每次我總獨自遠走
抱著緘默不皺眉頭
這次你卻說一起走
彼此溫柔從此以後

像土壤抓緊花的迷惑
像天空纏綿雨的洶湧
在你的身後計算的步伐
每個背影每個場景
都有發過的夢

帶我走到遙遠的以後
帶走我一個人自轉的寂寞
帶我走就算我的愛你的自由都將成為泡沫
我不怕帶我走

白馬溜過漆黑盡頭
潮汐襲來浪花轉動
凝在海岸結成了墨
薔薇朝向草原氣球
郵差傳來一地彩虹
刻在心中拍打著脈搏

帶我走到遙遠的以後
帶走我一個人自轉的寂寞
帶我走就算我的愛你的自由都將成為泡沫
我不怕帶我走
帶我走就算我的愛你的自由都將成為泡沫
帶我走

After hearing this song..part of me feels that some1 should just come and take me away from here..I dont want to stay at a place that will always trigger my darkest emotions endlessly..I know Iam a coward to say this..I need to be stronger.. My Bestie said to me.. If anybody should go hiding or leave, defintely wont be you, is not your fault, is a small world, how far can you go?.. Iam not sure.. Is not about whos and whos fault anymore.. I only want to escape from these hurtful emotions..

Counting down to 2008 Christmas

Defintely this year and last year christmas is miles n miles apart, is gonna be so different. Every year for the past 8 years I will love listening to "Last Christmas" - the Savage Garden version, during this festive season. It meant alot to me. Now? Iam not sure. Is a sad lovely christmas song, why do I love it so much? Is special to me and I will still keep it. Just that in the past, I like the song and dont think it as a sad song. This year, when I listen to it again. Is abit different.

Closer to christmas, I feel the different in atmosphere. Especially in the malls, on the road. There are so many people. Can see people are busy getting presents and stuff. I did spent some time getting presents for my friends. Afterall this is the once a year of sharing and giving. Telling your friends that they are special and you appreciate them being with you for this year.

Iam really headache for this angel n devil party, cos I dont know what to wear. I haven been shopping for clothes for a long time. I wanted to get a nice dress. Couldnt find the time..

15th December 2008

2008-12-18T00:37:00.002+08:00

15th December 2008

Dont know why, I had fever after lunch.. Feel really bad but I didnt want to take half day.. I thought if tomorrow is not better than I will go see doc and take a day mc.. I hang on until 7pm, took a cab home.. I slept abit on the cab.. struggle to walk back home.. cos I felt very cold and my head is hurting like shit.. and worse thing my lift is spoilt.. I struggle back home.. I feel so bad that I told my mum Iam sick I dont want any dinner, I changed, took the panadol and fell to the bed.. I keep on feeling very cold.. then my mind wonders again and I break down.. useless me.. my tears just flow, was lying side way, so my pillow was well soak.. and then my mum came in and touch my forehead.. I just closed my eyes and felt her warmth hand.. I felt helpless and her touch suddenly just makes me feel Iam not alone anymore.. I cry abit more and I felt asleep.. slowly I felt the coldness left me..

14th Dec 2008 - Ranting

2008-12-18T00:13:00.002+08:00

14th Dec 2008 - Ranting

For the JB trip, actually he did plan to go. But cos he claimed he was too late informed so he gotta go club at st james with his gal on friday and couldnt wake up on sat to go JB n he no money to go too.. When I first heard of this, quite pissed cos everybody knows the trip is quite confirmed just that one of the frens mother is hospitalized so is is pending in case anything last minute happen. On thurs, when I still didnt heard anything, I initiate to ask around see if it is still on.. all of us are working now except him.. Iam really busy with work but I still will take the initiate to ask around.. after it was settled I informed everyone to meet on fri to discuss for sat.. yet he is the only 1 to tell me he was too late informed..

I remembered last time he hated to club and dont like me to club.. yet when I curious and asked what is the change.. he told me "I do like 2 club i jus dun like the smoke n i always want 2 b in the company of a pretty gf n my body will jus auto move n do the talking this is the full 100%".. At least my principle of going club is to chill out with girl friends, enjoy the music n dance.. I dont want to comment about this sentence, Iam tired of all these 100% 99%.. I dont care..If that is how he wants his life to be now let it be.. Just that he makes me feel that he is no diff to those irritating guys in clubs n online..I really feel that he isnt the 1 I know in the past.. totally a stranger now.. why the change? I also remember that he said once his life revolve around me n he hated it.. well at least if he revolve around me he wont be this way.. I feel his life is also revolve around her now.. all this high life, branded stuff, looking good.. is something he was not chasing in the past.. if this is wat he wants in life now.. let it be.. take it we dont share the same values anymore.. ya maybe our mutual friends group are too boring lowly for him too..

I read some stuff recently and I came across some saying that love brings 2 strangers together, make them close, but yet when they leave each other, they become strangers again.. is so true.. he is like some1 I no longer know anymore, maybe me to him too..

14th Dec 2008 JB trip

2008-12-17T23:23:00.003+08:00

14th Dec 2008 JB Trip

Went to JB recently with my bunch of tikam buddies.. our frequent JB trip.. just that this time is different. Cos this is my 1st time going there without him. It was always with him. But I make it this time.. alone.. Cos I dont want to miss out all the fun just bcos of him.. Although it did bring me back some memories.. But I tell myself just enjoyed and I threw everything behind me.. I went after work.. when my collg saw my attire.. they are surprise Iam so bloody dress down.. Well I go to JB with my 2 feet, of cos I need my very useful berms, sneakers, tee and my hardworking backpack which I dump everything in, we go to smoky hawker for dinner, why do I still need to dress up? most impt agenda is comfort.. My frens laugh at me, bet that I couldnt carry all the stuff back, I did!! though it was very crowded in and out, I manages to carry my turtle shell back.. My frens are really nice, though Iam the youngest in the group they really take care of me.. I want to bring more joy n laughter to the group for my effort =) I guess I did, during dinner at the hawker, a black cat zoom by me, I jump, scream n grab my fren and they all laugh =) After a very full dinner, I asked my fren hows the keuh that she buys home taste like? cos I didnt see b4 curious and she tore some for me to try.. I whine saying that Iam too full to eat anymore I only want to ask how it taste like, not really physically taste it and they all laugh.. My this group are very simple, down to earth, loud n funny.. we are always the noisiest at any place.. I think we shared same values of interests and in life thats y we click so well..

3rd - 15 thDecember 2008

2008-12-17T22:31:00.008+08:00

3rd - 15th December 2008

Sorry for not updating my frens (=.=), being really busy lately... Everyday after work too tired to blog.. My life seems so monotone.. Work, Home, Work..

A glimpse of my life thus far..

I went for a baking class recently and learn making carrot almond bread, so I went home tried to make sausage bread instead..Not bad for 1st time.. Soft.. Even for those I offered to tasting said is not bad =)

Went with my collg to this super cool western food at a coffeeshop near my work place.. The Sirloin Steak is really nice.. Big and thick.. Came sizzling hot.. was really crowded during lunch time.. Yummy..

A gift from an Indian collg who went back hometown for holiday..really nice of him even though we dont know him well..

Small Walnut and Med Walnut from Shanghai.. Really yummy..Amazing that they have it pre-pack for the small walnut.. and the med walnut with shells are fantastic..

Cheaper than Bakerzinn and much nicer..is from a bakery near my work place.. will go back for more, but I wanna bake my own macarons.. I shall perfect mine 1 day =)

Guess what it is?.. No ans? Is rose bud green tea.. Mixed with some honey.. Suppose to be good for calming.. Yummy too =)

1st-2nd December

2008-12-02T23:03:00.002+08:00

2nd December 2008

As usual boring work.. only looking forward to lunch time and off work.. haiz.. come late afternoon everybody become restless.. my boss came n crap with us cos think she in a good mood if not she will only come and huant us lol.. heard she bringing us to a hotel buffet for christmas.. fingers crossed..

It was pouring in the late afternoon.. thinking how to get a cab home but lucky it stops when I left at 8pm.. Rainy days seems to deepen the mood.. but it didnt affect me much cos I know Iam looking forward to going home and more stuff waiting for me to do..

Was reading the papers for past days.. Is so sad that the lady was killed in the terrorist attack in Mumbai.. She was young, high archeiver, loved by family and many friends, happily married for only a year.. Maybe it is fate that she is at the wrong place at the wrong time.. The lost by her family friends n husband must be huge.. This incident will certainly make us aware that we should treasure, cos we dont know what might happen to us tomorrow or next day..

1st December 2008

2 months has passed.. Iam still surviving.. Ganbatte Ne..

Cant wait for christmas to come.. think is gonna be fun though it will be very different from last year.. I should make a shopping list soon.. If not think I will never make it time..

Today left office at 8.30pm instead.. rushing a last doc.. was walking out with Bestie WY then I saw her SO waiting at the bus-stop for her.. so sweet.. How do I feel? I didnt feel jealous or envious like I did a month ago.. I will feel happy for them, find it sweet..

Came home.. Chat on the phone with my "Big Sister" =) Get updates from her, cos I knew her trip to Bangkok is cancelled, so wondering where she spent her holidays then.. in the end she went malacca for a short trip..nice.. We chat awhile.. She told me I dont look like those who will get bullied or hurt.. but Iam used to being nice to people.. I wont do anything to hurt others, I rather Iam the 1 to suffer.. Tts y she said Iam "stupid" but she said cos she dotes on me dont want me to suffer.. Iam really touched.. Touched that Iam loved by many still.. I hope for the best to those who share their love with me..

A letter to myself 30/11/08

2008-11-30T20:53:00.004+08:00

A letter to myself 30/11/08

I was inspired by someone to write a letter to myself.. I think is a good way to express what I feel inside and what I want to tell myself.. Here it goes..

To my dearest self,

You have been doing quite well for now, dont give up, Ganbatte. Remembered you are loved by your family and friends. Count your blessings, not everybody has the same blessings as you. Each day, so many around the world are living in a worse condition than you, so many do not have the love that you have, so many didnt even have the privilege to live. Treasured what you have in the past, what you have now, and what you will have in the future.

I know you are hurt, very hurt. I know you didnt expect it to happen. I know you didnt expect the person you loved the most will turn around to hurt you. I know the hurt is indescribable, feels like thousand of swords pierce through you and your heart is squeezing so hard that it makes you breathless. I know you have cried alot, mourned alot and grieved alot, especially when you are alone and those sleepless nights are haunting you.

I have come to tell you to stop, to see the facts. If a person truly loves and treasures you, he will not leave and hurt you, nothing will come between you and him, no temptations will lure him from you. Both of you can go through thick and thin, endless obstacles. Caused you are his world.

So now, you can see that he is not the one, if he is, he wouldnt have hurt you.

Take this as a lesson, an opportunity to mature. There are all kinds of people in the world, not everyone is as nice as you think. People can be selfish. The only ones who wouldnt hurt you are surely your family and dearest friends. You have seen the cruel part of reality. Happily ever after only happens in fairytale, things will last only if both work hard. Love will have a expiry date, if both are not serious and strong enough to walk through eternity.

Destiny is in your hand. How you want to lead your life is determine by yourself. Happiness and sadness can be controlled by you. A negative thought can always be modified to a happy thought. Thats why they always say optimistic people tend to live longer. You are still young, so live and enjoy your remaining youth. There are so many more things you can do and for others. Dont worry, you wont be alone.

Smile and laugh more like you used to, cause that will makes you happier and people can feel your happiness, in turn makes them smile too. Remember how someone has mentioned before that when you smile happily, you have those sparks in your eyes? I think you looks better when you are smiling.

Be strong..no matter how many times you have been hurt, how many times you have cried, how many times you have fell.. remember to stand up and move on.. I know you are a strong girl. I think you are more of a weed than a rose. Remember how you used to take care of the household when you are young, when your father was overseas working, your brother and mother depends on you? Remember how guyish you were when you were young? You cut your hair short, cos you dont want to appear soft, as you think long hair means you are girly and weak.. Remember how daring you were, when you try to did everything a guy can do? Be it jumping into a creek, abseiling down rocky hill, street soccer etc.. you went all out.. weak wasnt in your mind that time.. Remember how you once told him that you will take it lightly if ever something happen to the relationship? Cos you said.. if it is not meant to be, no use continuing, if it is yours, it always be yours.. Do you remembered all these? You wasnt a flower kept in the greenhouse from the start.. You wasnt the princess that will wait for the prince to come and safe you.. You never will be..

Dont feel sad that he didnt truly see you and treasure you after all these years. The problem is with him. I think you are a gem that is still covered with dust, awaiting someday, someone will found you and you will become the precious gem..

Love yourself before others can love you. Have confidence in yourself and you will glow, people will then be attracted to you. One day, you can also become the beautiful butterfly..

24 - 30th Nov 2008

2008-11-24T23:06:00.015+08:00

24 to 30th Nov 2008

This is my last Sat brunch at work, didnt have time to upload. I expected it to be big, but it really disappoint me. It looks like 120% of a Mos Burger. =.=

I cut my finger by a fresh from the oven A3 paper, was trying to take 1 pc from a stack. When I take out. It slide through my finger, slicing it deeply. I was watching as it slice my finger. Blood immediately ooze out. It was so painful, my tears came out. Haiz, I think is too deep that it might leave a scar.

My fav comforting snack for the moment. Macha milk candy. Its really AAAA. Loving it each day.

Thursday

I went out for a dinner and chat session with Bestie A. She just came back from Bangkok. Asked her help me buy a naraya bag =)Iam in love with the big ribbon design. She has reassured with me if I really want that big a bag. I said ya, I think Iam suited to carry big bag, I big size mah lol..

We went Cedele for dinner.. Errr both of us ordered the wrong stuff.. Her mushroom risotto has a sour taste even though they state is just oyster sauce.. My garlic grill fish pasta turns out to have a green type of sauce.. I have no idea what it is.. It taste weird.. I just swept it away.. After dinner, we hang around to chat until 11pm.. Though next day I still have to work.. I have enjoyed my evening.. Bestie A is right about I should have something to look forward to, so that I can pass my days better.. Indeed.. I did look forward to our meeting =)

Her mushroom risotto, looks nice though

See the green sauce, yucks, faint

The pretty Naraya Bag =)

Saturday

Really looking forward for today, going to meet gonna meet Bestie S for a cycling session. But at first, I left work at 2pm to rush for a sale, a branded cosmetics and perfume sale. Total damaged $144. By the time I left the sale is like 4.30 then I went to meet Bestie S at GWC 1st cos she needs to get s swimsuit for her lesson. Spend quite some time there before we head to East Coast. We took bus there.. Long journey.. Reach there like 8pm.. Too hungry we went for dinner at the Hong Kong cafe.. By the time we went cycling is 9.30pm.. Feel so cheated when we rent our bikes.. The person say can only cycle 1 hr.. Cos they close at 10.30pm..Nevertheless, we enjoy ourselves. I think Iam in love with night cycling.. At night so breezy and the whole road just a few people.. Feels really good.. Next time I might considered overnight cycling =) After cycling we went to buy orange juice.. So nice.. We left at 11 plus took 16 back.. But forgotten that it will pass by indoor stadium, and there was the lee guitars concert.. swamps of people at the bus stop..suddenly the whole 16 was sardine packed I thought it will going to break down..next moment Iam scared I wont have anymore transport back cos I need to change bus.. I drop at orchard, lucky the last 65 is at 12.30.. I told Bestie S, nevermind if no bus, I can just walked all the way back.. But lucky there is still last bus.. I didnt want to spend the unnecessary cab fare.. Hee tiring day, but fun =)

French Toast with Fresh Banana

Fresh Orange Juice

Portuguese style baked beef rice

Porkchop with black pepper & garlic sauce

Iam a perfume freak lol.. I need to smell nice nice.. Iam really happy with the morgan set. I grabbed the last box, cost $22 only 60ml with sparkling body lotion. The other 2 cost $20 each.. I like my perfume with a sweet smell..

Iam a cosmetics freak too lol.. My cosmetics can last me 2 life times at least lol.. Even I dont use often, I like to keep them. Sometimes I like to take them out just to admire their pretty packaging and colors.. Is a Sale anyway, if you ask me to buy at regular price, I wont.. I gotten a Givenchy prisme quad blush refill(sad no casing), 3 lippies haha yes too hard to resist.. Paul & Joe face color(the packaging lovely).. Both brands I have never use b4, but is Sale so dont mind trying..satisfied =)

Sunday

Wanted to head to Bestie D house for a swim and piano lesson. But is raining heavily in the afternoon. So I stayed home, read my comics, online did some work on my blogshop , watch anime and blog lol.. In the afternoon, my mum cooked hong kong style fry crabs, yummy, but i nearly cut my fingers and lips, the shell too hard...
For dinner, my mum cooked as well, she only cooked once a week.

But something bad happen, over dinner my Dad was complaining about the porkchop too hard, is my mum 1st time cooking, then i causally just commented it looks tough, then my Dad just happily start his lecturing on my mum, asked her next time picked some other parts, not nice to eat etc.. But my Dad lecturing as always is pain to the ears and heart.. They then started quarreling loudly, my mum said next time she wont cook anymore ask my dad cook himself, then my dad replied that he will be happy to do that.. Is really sad, things turn out this way.. should be happy dinner..my mum nearly turn to tears.. I kept quiet throughout, guilty that I shouldnt just causally said it looks tough without knowing my dad has been complaining cos I was last to come and sit for dinner.. My brother couldnt take it anymore then asked my Dad to shut up and eat his dinner, if he so mighty, go cook his own dinner.. Obviously my dad was shocked cos my brother dare not to speak up b4.. My dad then asked him if he intend to talk this way. My brother replied him yes and that he meant what he said.. Why things turn out this way? Maybe cos my dad's like to nag n make comments and the way he put out the words dont sound nice..Haiz why things become so awkward.. I dont feel like staying at the house for now..

18th-23rd Nov 2008

2008-11-24T22:26:00.002+08:00

18th-23rd Nov 2008

Busy Week.. Rough Week.. Had a break down..

Was so blue that I met up with Bestie QM on Sat night after work for a D & S session at boat quay.. I need that escapde that release.. Was at The Craven.. Ordered a pint of Hoegarden and a basket of baffalo wings.. Didnt have anything since 10am, work till 4pm. Went to Kino to grab some comics and magazines..

Really paisey to ask her out to hear me talk.. Met Bestie's fren TF, cos they both came from the same way.. He told Bestie that I lost weight and seems like depression.. Yea it makes me happy to know that I really looks like I have lost weight.. After I spend time with Bestie, he even offer to come all the way and drive us back.. Really nice of him.. And really nice of Bestie to meet me too..

Sunday..

Some unhappy things happen in the morning.. but afternonn I picked myself up and head to Bestie D house for a swim and piano lesson.. So happy to see her again, I have miss her!! >.< Yea she is my piano teacher now lol.. I did C major today.. She played for me Parchabel Canon D.. So nice.. I want to learn too.. At least I hope I can managed since is C major.. Wanted to swim actually but it rain like cats and dogs.. I wanna to retan myself.. I scare everyday stay at office, my healthy tan will fades away.. Return home at night for my dearest mum's dinner.. Before I leave, I gave Bestie D a big hug.. I really feel comfort and peaceful.. Thanks gal..

Some thoughts...

I have to stop crying.. I want to be stronger.. I dont want to be a wimp.. I can live better if only I can get over this.. I want to be happier (Bestie QM said I dont truely smile or laugh anymore, I used to be so lively).. I want to love myself and have more confidence.. (Bestie said if I have confidence I will glow and ppl will start attracted to me lol) I want to live cos not many ppl have the chance to live in this world even if they want to.. I want to do many more things for myself and for others.. My life will be meaningful.. I no longer live for him only..

17th Nov 2008

2008-11-17T23:21:00.001+08:00

17th Nov 2008

Came to work to realised that my filipino co-worker's mother pass away and she is still here at work. We all knew she has been crying, her eyes were so red.. who wouldnt? But I find it so coincident, cos 2 days ago, my another china co-worker's mother was in critical condition and she left on urgent leave to go back hometown to visit her. And I knew today that her mother pass away on Sunday. My heart went out to her, she is younger than me, yet she is so much stronger and braver than me. On Friday, she is still smiling and working and handover her work to us before she left on Saturday. She is just so strong and brave.. Same goes to my this filipino co-worker, she still comes to work as usual.. If it is me, I think I will break down.. Is your dearest mother.. I couldnt comprehend the lost.. I knew I wont make it if it is me.. I knew I wont able to be strong and brave.. Before my china co-worker left, I gave her big hug.. I dont know what to say to her.. I dont want to say anything that will sadden her. I gave her a big hug to show her my support.. As for this filipino co-worker, she is much older and a quiet lady.. I dont know what to say to her either.. I just behave as usual.. Give her my smiles..

I have lost my dearest great-grandmother, grandfather and my sec fren.

My great-grandmother is very dear to me, she raised me up, she buys me pretty dresses, she buys me my favourite big sweet oranges, share the same bed as me.. Till now, I still remembered the room will smell like peppermint cos of the ointment she applied.. I remember how tightly she hugged me and cried whenever I got to come back to sg after my vacation at hk.. Me and her share an infinity.. We have a bond so strong.. Till now after so many years, when I visit her grave.. Just by looking at the photo.. The tears just flow.. All these, she didnt shared any blood relationship with me.. she was the second wife of my great-grandfather.. my paternal grandfather was from the first wife.. Strangely, we will ever so closed..

My grandfather passed away a few years back.. I wasnt close to him.. I think our relationship will be better if Iam a guy.. He was a traditional man.. Prefers sons than daugthers.. So he never really care about me.. Strangely.. when I visit him for the last time in hospital.. I couldnt help but cry when he looks at me in a very sick manner.. I just cry and I ran out of the room caused I dont want him to think too much about leaving us..

My sec fren is a nice guy who definitely do not deserved such fate.. He was so young, so many thing waiting for him to do.. Fate.. I hope he is at somewhere better now.. I believe a good guy will have a good outcome.. God is fair..

14th-16th Nov 2008

2008-11-17T22:19:00.008+08:00

16th Nov 2008

Was so tired after the whole week.. I slept till noon then wake up for brunch.. My legs still abit tired from yesterday blading.. Have my brunch.. Automatically on my laptop to chat with frens on msn.. Watch my fav anime.. Just feel like slacking and doing nothing.. No motivation for anything.. Didnt even do my mask, body scrub, paint my nails all those beauty stuff lol..

Was chatting with Bestie A, we make a deal that by end of year 2008, we must be happier than now.. do or achieve something that will make ourselves happy.. cos I told her I really have a tough time adapting single life.. I just feel so lost.. I was asking her what should I do to get rid of this belonging feeling inside my heart? Maybe I was so used and loyal in the r/s, my heart can only fit 1, that I never really want to know other guys.. Even now, I feel that I can only manage a smile, a hi and bye to guys.. OMG how am I going to make new guy friends? Bestie A said that my condition is quite serious.. she suggest that I treat guys like gals then can make new guy friends.. Iam so pathetic..

Then Bestie A said wo pa pa of this cruel world.. I told her yea the world is cruel.. it never teaches you that there is no ever after.. you have to be selfish to survive.. hard work do not necessary yield good rewards.. love has expiry date.. the only 3 things you can ever trust are parents, god and money.. Haha I sound like a sadist but is true.. If only love can buy insurance?

I think and realise alot these days.. I can only be 23 once in a life time.. I can only have my youth once in a life time.. Why dont I enjoy and make the best out of it? Why do I mind so much of being not comparable to a 34 yr old woman? Why do I mind not being old n mature enough? Bestie A told me to just behave like a 23, what can others expect? She said at each diff stage, one will have diff exudes.. Like at 23, one will exudes in innocence whilst at 34 one will exudes sensibility.. so true.. I shouldnt pretend anymore.. I shouldnt pretend that I dont like cute things anymore.. I shouldnt pretend that I dont like to dress in jap style anymore.. I shouldnt pretend that I prefer black coffee than ice mocha.. I shouldnt pretend that Iam happy when Iam not.. I have to be true to myself..

Iam proud to be a xiao mei mei still in some way..Hee hee Iam still a jie jie not auntie.. Iam gonna club as much as possible.. if not I will feel too old when Iam 30 plus..

15th Nov 2008

Sian Sat still have to work.. Work till 2 plus then went for a quick lunch before meeting Bestie QM for roller blading.. Haha lucky Iam not caught dozing off in front of the monitor during work.. Little did I know that I can get to East Coast within 15mins via taxi.. Cos all the way chiong expressway..

Once we reached.. I have to scout around to rent the blades.. I havent offcially buy my own skates, wait till I get my pay.. Yoohoo.. This rental shop is on a slope, so after I wore my blades.. I dont know how to get down cos I dont know how to stop yet.. I can only go forward lol.. Lucky there is a bike in front so i went to grab it.. Iam so pathetic he let me hold on it longer till I get my balance lol.. Bestie Qm and I then slowly skate along the park and chating leisurely.. Haha she was telling me she can intro me some nice eligible bachelors.. Well I said maybe later hee.. We are spying around see got any handsome guys haha but we saw alot of cute dogs n kids.. Its really crowded at east coast park on Sat.. We around for 2 hrs.. When I took off my skates after that.. My feet is cramp..

After skating.. We went to the Hong Kong Cafe eat.. Bestie Qm orderd pork chop rice and I ordered XO carrot cake n french toast to share with her. The XO carrot cake really nice.. After we eat.. we head to the catch catch nearby.. heehee saw the bear that Bestie QM like.. I try 2 bucks and caught it for her haha feel so proud of myself.. My "school fees" last time pays off.. Nothing to do.. we decide to head to Suntec to shop Bestie QM yoga pants for her Body Combat class.. We went La Senza to buy instead.. cos we saw a quite comfortable pants.. we saw alot of sexy bras.. we keeping joking say if we buy then for who to see? Then I say I will wear to club haha.. Like I see this bra that has lace on the edges of the cup.. I think I can wear with a low neck line and jus show the lace rim.. Haha then we are saying we both like bras that have padding.. Bestie QM say if there is padding, wont zhao geng.. But I say I want padding cos I want the push up effect mah lol.. Enough of bras lol..

We then head to popular fiesta at the convention to take a look.. nothing much to buy.. I got 2 self test books.. Quite fun.. Its cheap.. $1.90 each.. After that we head home.. Too tired.. On my way home.. I slept through the whole bus journey.. I miss a stop!!! Throughout the ride.. the guy beside me must be seeing me knocking side to side, front to back.. Iam really darn tired and sleep through..

Some photos...

This is the XO carrot cake

This the cute lazy bear I caught heehee

The 2 self test books

14th Nov 2008

Today after work, went to meet up with my tikam frens at Vivo City as usual.. Heehee Fren G and her hubby just came back from HK holiday.. so eager to see them.. hope can see some photos and hear their stories.. We will at Mac Dang Dang for dinner and stay there crap lol.. I think we are the loudest there.. We also discussed what to bring for our christmas chalet.. Who to bring what..End up they didnt tell what to bring..

We left at 11 plus and I walked home.. I think walking back at night is still bearable..

Actually, if you asked me if I look forward to christmas.. Yes I will, though Iam not a christian, but I like this season for giving.. I like to buy presents for others and received too.. I know this year is going to be very different.. on 25th everywhere will be couples.. I got think of hiding at home.. Spare myself the agony.. I will think of why arent I spending this special day with XXX? Will I be lonely? Maybe..

Fren G's HK pressie

12th Nov 2008

2008-11-12T23:07:00.001+08:00

12th Nov 2008

Work like never ending.. so many stuffs to do yet so little time to complete.. stress stress stress.. end at 8pm again.. went down to vivo to meet the "7 Jie Mei" at mussel guys.. the cab detour so long that I feel like vomiting when I get down, maybe cos my stomach is empty, or I am so horrible at carsick..

They order the 1-for-1 mussels cos citibank promo.. but I dont really like it, find it abit fishy.. order a main course to share with Bestie WY cos dont feel like eating.. Maybe I am too tired.. didnt talk much.. we stayed like 10 plus then went home.. Bestie G n her bf drive us back cos raining.. it was quite funny that we are searching everywhere for the car..vivo carpark is too big..

Is still nice to meet-up with them.. like so long never have a gathering.. think all of us are busy with work other stuff.. now we are chatting about work life whereby last time we only chat about secondary school life.. seeing them.. makes me wanna go back to secondary school life.. it was so fun.. feel so old..

Will look forward to the next gathering =)

11th Nov 2008

2008-11-11T20:59:00.003+08:00

11th Nov 2008

As usual is busy at work.. The whole day I have running nose.. I used up 2-3 packs of tissues.. And my left eye become so red n uncomfortable that I told them I going to leave office at 7pm.. I cant take it anymore.. Tomolo onwards will wear spec.. Dont know whats wrong with my eye.. Hope nothing bad happen..

Today on the cab home.. I told the driver I want to go by KPE.. so that I can take a look at the flyer again.. Although the route is longer.. but I get to see the flyer very closely.. Does it change color? Today is blue.. I want to take a photo..

Maybe that used to be a special day is coming.. it makes me more bluey..

I was going through my frens blog.. came across fren k's blog.. her baby boy grow up so fast and looks more and more like the father.. so many of his cute photos. I also want to take a wink picture with him too haha.. feel happy for my fren k's happy blissful family.. it spikes me to want to get marry young too if possible..

10th Nov 2008

2008-11-10T23:03:00.002+08:00

10th Nov 2008

Mon blues man.. I off work at 8pm again!! Just the beginning of the week and there is so many things to do.. never ending.. I was so hungry n tired when I reach home around 9pm.. I rushed through my dinner.. In the end I feel so sick after eating.. I went to vomit.. vomit out the dinner..

Suddenly I feel so down.. I keep feeling the emptiness n loneliness.. Keep thinking why he isnt here when I need him.. Why am I all alone.. I keep thinking y am I torturing myself by working so hard.. Though there is no obligation for me to stay till so late.. I stay bcos I thought by working.. I will free myself from thinking the hurtful things.. I can numb myself by working the ass out..

Really like the new song from Jay..

说好的幸福呢-周杰伦

你的回话凌乱着在这个时刻
我想起喷泉旁的白鸽甜蜜散落了
情绪莫名的拉扯我还爱你呢
而你断断续续唱着歌假作没事了
时间过了走了爱情面临选择
你冷了倦了我哭了
离开时的不快乐你用卡片手写着
有些爱只给到这真的痛了

怎么了你累了说好的幸福呢
我懂了不说了爱淡了梦远了
开心与不开心一一细数着你再不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻我都还记得
你不等了说好的幸福呢
我错了泪干了放手了后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着要怎么停呢

你的回话凌乱着在这个时刻
我想起喷泉旁的白鸽甜蜜散落了
情绪莫名的拉扯我还爱你呢
而你断断续续唱着歌假作没事了
时间过了走了爱情面临选择
你冷了倦了我哭了
离开时的不快乐你用卡片手写着
有些爱只给到这真的痛了

怎么了你累了说好的幸福呢
我懂了不说了爱淡了梦远了
开心与不开心一一细数着你再不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻我都还记得
你不等了说好的幸福呢
我错了泪干了放手了后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着要怎么停呢

怎么了你累了说好的幸福呢
我懂了不说了爱淡了梦远了
我都还记得
你不等了说好的幸福呢
我错了泪干了放手了后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着要怎么停呢

8th-9th Nov 2008

2008-11-09T13:20:00.006+08:00

9th Nov 2008

Whole day is relaxing at home.. continue watch my anime nodame cantabile and msn-ing with frens.. feel abit restless.. but the day just went pass so quickly.. I am sort of sad that so fast will have to work again..

Actually from now on.. except working i dunno what should I do over the weekends.. I still got this emptiness in me.. like aimlessly living.. I have talk to Bestie D ask her if sat or sun can teach me piano.. It will be great if possible..

Found this song.. really meaningful to what I feel inside.. click my imeem..

郭静-知道

她让你憔悴许多
她让你不知所措
她的一举一动你不停的对我说
我微笑倾听你说
我却越听越心痛
怎么你说的不是我
她比我多了什么
让你愿意耐心等候
我想知道她让你痴心是什么
我想知道她让你疯狂为什么
我知道做的和她没有不同
但是我却不在你的心中逗留

我想知道她哪里比我好很多
在你心中她和我有什么不同
我知道我比她付出的还多
可是我总换不了你的心动

你让我憔悴很多
你让我不知所措
你一举一动我的心被牵着走
她不经意的走过
你就把我给冷落
嫉妒把我给吞没
她比我多了什么
让你愿意耐心等候

我想知道她让你痴心是什么
我想知道她让你疯狂为什么
我知道做的和她没有不同
但是我却不在你的心中逗留

我想知道她哪里比我好很多
在你心中她和我有什么不同
我知道我比她付出的还多
可是我总换不了你的心动

我知道了她哪里比我好更多
在你心中我永远不可能会让你心动
我知道我比她付出的还多
可是我在你心中没有她多

8th Nov 2008

Gosh I thought I only need to work till 12pm.. in the end is 2pm.. so hungry n tired.. left around 2 plus.. slowly make our way toa payoh central eat lunch.. after lunch we went looking for a birthday cake.. cos is my younger bro birthday today.. he is gonna stay at home whole day.. so I think y not I buy a small cake home since only 3 of us will be home(my dad went hk for holiday).. in search for cake.. end up I bought a fruit flan instead cos Iam not sure if they want a creamy cake.. I dont feel like eating 1 either.. then Iam thinking should I cook some stuff for dinner? but Iam too tired so I throw that thought away.. anyway I went NTUC bought a big box of meji biscuits for breakfast in office.. I dont want bread.. feel bread will make me fatter lol..

With many stuff on hands.. took a cab home reach home around 4 plus.. put everything back in place.. and head to bed.. Iam really darn tired.. I told my bro to think of dinner, if he want to eat out, eat in, delievery or anything before i totally knockout.. I woke up at 7pm ask them about dinner.. in the end cos i feel abit sick.. my mum decided to cook bee hoon soup for dinner n eat the fruit flan.. I woke up with burning sore throat, fever n running nose.. feel bad for my bro.. thought can bring them out dinner.. I ask him wat he wants for present.. he say he wants a new Ipod cos his screen abit spoilt.. I told him wait bah haha.. I haven got mine how to buy yours? Iam thinking wait I got my paycheck then buy him something next month..

At night, my bro's fren bought a cake for him.. lucky I didnt buy cake.. but we too full to eat anyway.. keep for tomolo.. after dinner i sit and watch tv.. last episode for the "it started with a kiss" taiwan show.. and I cry.. I wonder when I meet my Mr right too..

Some of the stuff he said on tv.. "I like you.. I like all of you.. Your good side.. Your bad side.. Your ugly side.. Your pretty side.. Your sad side.. Your happy side..", "When will I ever find some1 nice and good like you? Will I ever find some1 nice and good like you?", "You complete my life.. You fill up the things I dont have.."

I cry and feel very tired cos of my medication.. wanted to lay down awhile to rest.. but I knock out again..

Some birthday cakes pic

I bought this fruit flan.. My bro keep saying dont bother ask him blow candles.. bleh..

Side view.. Nice right? Forgot to say is handmade..

From my bro's fren.. Dont know what is inside.. but looks nice too right?

7th Nov 2008

2008-11-09T12:15:00.009+08:00

7th Nov 2008

As usual hectic work.. The work I am doing is so strenuous to my eyes.. Have to be extra careful in keying in the doc.. double check n double check.. So scare I miss out something.. Everyday cant wait to get out for lunch haha.. Today went mos burger.. the other 2 gals in the office say want to eat the terriyaki chicken burger cos is 20% bigger.. as I eat, 1 of them notice my necklace and ask me if it has special sentimental meaning.. haha is actually a gift for my 23rd birthday from Bestie I.. finally I want to wear it.. cant bear to wear last time cos too pretty haha.. when she asked, I thought she sure think is a gift from bf.. so I told her "No la I dont have a bf.. next time got cute guys intro me wor..haha", even though I say this like nothing n with a big smile.. my heart feels abit sour..

This is the pretty necklace Iam talking about, sparkling purple crystals(1 of my fav color).. the design is like a small ring.. Iam wearing it almost everyday now..

Today is also the company's offcial opening at the new site.. Got a speech from the ang moh director.. maybe is a US MNC afterall.. so the director also seems to be a nice light hearted guy.. he said after the speech we can go home and have a long weekend.. I thought he is joking, so did the rest of us.. cos is only 3pm.. we got a nice crystal paper stand as souvenir.. will upload the photo next time.. too heavy to bring home.. in the end my boss said we can really go home at 4pm.. but I still have alot on hands to finish.. if not they will chase my ass on mon.. by the time I finished is like 4.30pm.. better than nothing.. feels so happy.. like a release lol..

Going to meet Bestie D later at PS for dinner.. So delighted to see her again.. Miss her!! She reach earlier than us cos she want to shop for her pyjamas for a pyjamas party next week.. Got is from La Senza.. They have pretty stuff there.. After that we went tcc for dinner cos I have the discount card.. My order of chicken n mushroom sandwich sucks I gave up eating half way.. for dessert I order the cheese thing with ice cream.. the cheese is sweet but I share with them so less sinful lol..

Bestie D went through a short break up and patch back.. She is willing to go for 2nd time.. She told me that they are better than b4 after the clear up and big talk.. a second phase of their r/s.. so happy for her.. I will be happy for her as long as she is in happiness.. She is being treasured.. Nothing beats that feeling..

After dinner, we 3 gals go careefour shop with a cart.. Bestie D is so high.. She went around happily like a small gal looking at things.. I ask her why she so high.. She said is like 3 of us living together then come out shop groceries then go back to our home together..LOL how nice!! But Bestie WY said.. she work see me in the morning then if night also see me everyday.. she said gonna vomit.. LOL bad gal!!!

We went off around 11pm.. so tired.. Bestie WY and me slept in the bus on our way home.. no wonder we can claim our cab fare after work at night.. if we sleep in the cab.. at least the cab uncle will wake us up to pay $.. if on the bus, gone case!! I will end up dont know where!!

Ahhh tomolo Sat still got work!!!

This is our "souvenir" from our 1st week work..

I hate paper cuts.. darn painful.. I rather it bleed alot and less painful.. I have more cuts on my hands didnt bother put plasters.. just that this is a fresh wound today

Some foodie pictures..

My sucky chicken n mushroom sandwich

Bestie WY chicken n mushroom patty sandwich, so much nicer than mine..grrrr..

Bestie D chicken n mushroom baked pasta, I should have order this..grrrr..

My cheese sticks ice cream.. sweet!!

Big family pic.. nice!!

Dont ever hurt me again

2008-11-06T22:28:00.003+08:00

Dont ever hurt me again

Ppl say once bitten, twice shy.. I followed my heart again without thinking through my head.. I think Iam stupid when it comes to love and relationships.. I never learnt.. too blinded by emotions..

He called me on sunday night to tell me he broke up with that woman.. cos I told him to do so previously... but I didnt think it happen so fast.. it was too late to talk I told him to meet him the next day.. I thought I can hear him talk and comfort him.. I knew he couldnt take it that easily.. I was so eager to meet him I forgotten and missed my last episode of TV..

He told me that tt womman said there is a gap b/w them, which is hurting their r/s.. the gap refers to him still having some feelings left for me.. but she should understand that we have been together for 8 years.. 8 bloody years.. would any1 can just forget and let go so fast? If Iam in 1-3 years r/s I think I will able to just let go more easily..C'mon man.. she and him have only being together like 1 and half months.. just bcos she dont feel good about it.. she initiate the break up to him.. said something like she cant go on with that.. He has done so much for her.. yet this is what she did to hurt him.. She should have more patience with him if she truely wants to be with him.. Cos He really does want to be with her.. I knew that perfectly.. From here, I can sense that she is a selfish person too..

Iam also quite angry with wat she said.. she told him that his 100% to her is not better than his 99% to me.. How can she said that? He give up everything to be with her.. gave up a steady 8 yrs r/s.. nearly gave up his studies.. treat her so much nicer.. gave her his trust.. gave her freedom.. gave her respect.. I HAVE NONE... I DIDNT HAVE ANY OF THESE..

When he talk to me.. He said he has a thought n some feeling to be together again.. He gave me a small hope.. I knew I shouldnt have taken it.. But my heart just went on its own again.. Half of me wants to believe it.. Half of me knew he didnt want to break up with her.. So I told him to go home and think more about it..

But the next day, he told me he wanted to be with her.. cos tt woman ask him to patch back.. she said she is sorry for what she said and wants a second chance.. she said she will change her san xin liang yi.. I told him to think again.. but he said he make up his mind to be with her.. Is just 1 day, did he really think? or all along he didnt want to leave her? then y did he give me that small hope? y did he said he feels abit happy when he break up? y did he said he got think for us to be together again?

I literally breaks down and falls apart.. Second time.. second time go through this rejection and hurt again.. like Bestie D said "You let him stab u again the 2nd time".. this is really very painful.. much more than the 1st time.. I cry until my head hurts.. like my fren said "let it just bleed".. Then I realised, I feel really tired of everything.. really tired of this 3 persons thing.. really tired of loving him.. really tired of caring for him.. really tired of thinking about him.. really tired of loving some1 who wont return the love.. really tried of my life.. I feel so tired inside me that I dont feel a thing anymore.. is really empty this time.. no more feelings for anything.. my heart is numb and empty..

Iam too stupid to believe him again.. I shouldnt believe him.. In the end, he still didnt know what is treasure.. to treasure me.. he only treat me as some1 comfortable to be with.. some1 he can go back to if anything goes wrong..

This 2nd painful ordeal really push me to the extreme.. Im really tired of all these.. I totally give up on him.. I dont want to have anything to do with him anymore.. Iam tired.. Is enough already.. I give up..

I think they belong well together.. both are selfish and think for themselves only.. no wonder they understand each other so well.. Bestie D say only selfish ppl wont get hurt in a r/s.. how true.. I know I can never be the selfish 1.. cos I will put and think for the other 1st..

"Dont ever come close to my heart again.. I have nothing left in my heart to react..Dont ever hurt me again.. I have nothing left for you to hurt.."

5th-6th Nov 2008

2008-11-06T21:57:00.004+08:00

5th Nov 2008

Haha this job is really not that easy.. surrounded by papers.. then especially those freshly printed papers.. didnt realised I have more n more cuts on my hands.. my hands not nice to begin with, now more ugly lol..

Have economical rice at Kopitiam.. Should have ask the person less rice.. Cos I only end up eat the veg, meat n a few spoon of rice lol (I dont take carbo now for dieting).. Bestie WY say the curry is nice.. but Iam not a fan of curry cant comment.. Just after lunch, heavy rain.. didnt bring umbrella.. end up getting wet.. so disgusting wet jeans..

I stay for OT till 7pm then take a cab home.. Chat with Bestie D for 2 hrs then till 10 plus..

6th Nov 2008

I kind of hate numbers and alphabets now.. Whole day looking at the computer and papers.. end up my left eye also red.. now eye drop is my best friend haha.. stress.. surrounded by papers.. And I think i need to have black coffee in the morning.. if not cant last till night..

Lunch eat the economical rice again.. this time i tell the uncle i want less rice, so i got less than half what I had yesterday.. but i still end up leaving half of the rice left.. Bestie WY says next time tell the uncle u want 3 spoonful of rice enough.. lol

Though tired, I still stay do OT till 8pm.. I hope I will get paid for OT lol.. I want to stay OT.. work my ass out.. so I wont think too much again.. too tired to even think when I get home.. I dont want to think and feel the hurt..

My mum say I lose some weight.. ask me to remember stay healthy dont over do it.. of cos I will, I still need to work!!

3rd - 4th Nov 2008

2008-11-04T22:46:00.003+08:00

3rd Nov 2008

1st day of work!! The HR orientation quite boring but informative.. After that went to my department.. It is so busy.. Even the head didnt have time to brief me.. I end up helping them do photocopying, scaning, filling, distributing.. whole day standing wearing my heels.. torture.. Lunch time finding food is pretty easy.. but cos of my diet, must always think of what to eat.. Iam pretty sad that there isnt any young handsome engineers around.. Haiz.. Huan Xiang Bo Mie.. 80% of them are from India.. But they are quite gentleman.. let me get in lift 1st, get out 1st, open door for me to let me into office 1st =) I end my day at 6pm.. my legs cant take it any longer.. I have trouble walking to the MRT.. Quite tired when I get home, went to bed early.. From now on have to wake at 6am..

4th Nov 2008

The day didnt start quite right hmm.. was on my way to work.. at the mrt station, I was sitting at the bench reading Today.. out of sudden when I look up, my eyes just happen to meet a cool looking type office guy.. but he stare at me when he walk past me... imagine head turn sideway staring at u while walking straight?.. weird.. I didnt mean to look at him, I just happen to meet his eyes when I look up..

The department is busy as usual.. I did learn some stuff today.. learn about how things flow..then busy doing those manual stuff cos I haven got the access to PC yet.. but something strike me when my head ask me if I want to come back on Sat to work for 6 hrs, she said no obligations if I got things on.. but now Iam single, no longer have to make time for the significant other.. so I said "Why not? I dont have dates anyway" in a big smile way.. but inside I dont really feel good... then in my mind thinking how nice if iam still attached.. somebody to share my tired day.. care about my paper cut,staples dent hands.. or pick me up after work to have dinner together b4 sending me back.. how nice.. but reality is the opp of dreams.. thinking of it makes me feel more miserable n lonely so I stayed till 8pm.. took a cab home.. the cab went pass the Singapore Flyer along the expressway.. looks really nice up close.. I want to have a ride too..

2nd Nov 2008

2008-11-02T21:36:00.004+08:00

2nd Nov 2008

Woke up 10am.. Sleep early previous night too.. Dont want be too lazy.. so went for a run around my house by the road.. I dont really like to run now maybe old already no stamina.. but used to run alot back in Sec days.. marathon, 2.4km all those stuff.. thats y maybe it helps to shape my legs.. haha i think my thighs not bad le.. at least my whole body consider tone up not like those tofu type lol..

Had my lunch.. then rest awhile watch anime online.. I started on a new one.. called Nodame Cantabile.. Is about music, Classical music.. Grand Piano, Violin.. Not bad if you have some interest in instruments.. The animation is not that fantastic.. still there is substance..

It makes me want to pick up piano again.. piano has quite a "special" meaning to me.. when I was young I gave up piano cos I already has a hectic schedule for school and tuition.. hardly got time to play.. so I gave up piano.. but I still like it just lazy to go through those notes.. I remembered I will urge my cousin or any 1 who knows to play a song for me, then I will memorised the notes they hit and I will just copy exactly the same way they play.. funny right.. slowly as I grow up the piano seems forgotten but still sits at my living room.. So I might want to pick it up again.. I know Iam too old for it, fingers too rigid.. even my mum says so..

In the afternoon, I went NTUC at BM with my mum and bro.. to pick up groceries.. as usual our hands are full.. then we head to the hawker center to have dessert before going home.. bean curd and tang yuan.. not bad but too blunt for me..

Come back home.. msn-ing with frens.. as the night comes I get scared and excited about tomolo.. 1st day of work tomolo.. hope I dun screw up lol.. To prepared, I packed my bag, iron my clothes, pick my heels.. still Kowaii(scary in Jap)..

31st - 1st Nov 2008

2008-11-01T16:38:00.005+08:00

31st Oct 2008

Happy Halloween!! So sad no party to go!! Bestie B actually tried to make plans to go those clubs party.. But in the end called off, cos too rushed to plan.. Sad.. Then Bestie D told me if have she also cant go cos she is sick, flu, sore throat so cant possibly drink.. Sad.. I thought I can see angels, devils, vampires, witches, wizards

So I spent my afternoon updating my week long blog.. I tend to write alot right? I love to write, maybe bcos I love to read.. and so I took Literature when Iam in upper Sec.. I think words written are really powerful.. It can put the meaning across so well without talking.. Just like paintings and pictures..as a picture speaks a thousand words..

I watched the 7pm show 大城情事 at channel 8, kinda hook on it.. Sometimes will cry watching it.. though I wasnt married.. but I thought mine was just as closed to married couples - 8 yrs.. 2nd last episode.. Shan Shan knew about Yuhan giving birth to the baby boy and knew Jia Kang has been going to hospital to visit Yuhan and the baby boy.. Shan Shan decide to leave Jia Kang so that the baby boy can have a complete family to grow up.. While Yuhan decide to bring the baby boy back to Sarawak.. Jia Kang pleaded Yuhan to stay.. But Yuhan rejected.. saying that she cant bring herself to do that after all that happened.. She told Jia Kang is all his fault.. that all that happened is becos of his wishy washy way with relationship.. he might be successful in work.. but a total failure in r/s.. He was the one who met and choose Shan Shan.. now Shan Shan has left.. He expect Yuhan to come back and just live as it is.. Yuhan told him off that after all happened he can just get away without any punishments? She still left Jia Kang with the baby boy to Sarawak..

That is so true!! Its all his fault at the 1st place.. He hurt both of them.. He is the 1 who went astray in the marriage.. yet he expect the wife to come back like nothing happen.. throughout the whole affair marriage thing.. he didnt lose a thing.. If is me.. I wont go back too.. is too easy on him.. Then my dad is watching too.. he suggested take both as wives.. some men does that.. My mum & me glared at him together, my mum told him off saying you are the man, of cos happy to have 2 wives, you think living in ancient times.. no woman in her right mind will want to share a man.. some ppl do.. but definitely not me.. either I have all of him or zero..

But I knew they gonna be a happy family in the end.. Jia Kang will definitely do his best to convince Yuhan to come back.. Cant wait the last episode on next mon!!

Iam in love with the 4 main songs in the OST, so do some research and found them.. So nice.. But I couldnt find the lyrics for 罗豪- 催眠術.. Can click my Imeem to hear them..

歌手：罗豪
曲名：终于了解
終于了解

在你離開的那一天
我抽了第一根香煙
看這圓圈飛上天
模糊之間我依然看得見

我們曾經有過歡樂的畫面
還有貼在房間裏的照片
我想這次分開讓我獲益不淺
我終于了解

我愛你不只在刹那之間
你的好我現在才發現
才知道是不可以欠缺

我愛你在一句算了吧就完結
承諾已不再是永遠
我的心像是破碎的鏡片

是我的不直覺讓我對你忽略
我真的很想和你走到終點

我愛你不只在刹那之間
你的好我現在才發現
才知道是不可以欠缺

我愛你在一句算了吧就完結
承諾已不再是永遠
我的心像是破碎的鏡片

回不到從前
沒有了知覺

歌手钟晓玉歌曲<<回到原点>>

走在繁华的城市里
错综复杂的关系偶尔会让你心窍鬼迷
谁能真正互诉真心
谁又不曾为了名利感情而着迷

倘若我们能回到最初的原点
或许这份感情就能永恒不变
倘若我们能回到最初的原点
或许彼此之间不会有句点

倘若我们能回到最初的原点
或许这份感情就能永恒不变
倘若我们能回到最初的原点
或许彼此之间不会有句点

演唱：钟晓玉
歌名：卸妆
专辑：Be Myself

你送的唇膏搁一边
颜色再美也很凄绝
一种冷落的明艳
转过了头我依然看得见
那个我们努力妆扮的昨天
如今只剩下扮过的诺言
我想爱情的脸已经变得疲倦
再难以情牵
在改变
只不过苦苦喘咽
爱多美我们都曾体验
但那后要接受残缺
在改变
只不过算了吧就完结
感情也可以像烟圈
多缠绵不过刹那都迷烟
所有的抱歉不过对我欺骗
期间你深陷已不能再解决
回不到从前
没有了直觉

或许彼此之间不会有期限

1st Nov 2008

Woke up around 11am.. Couldnt sleep anymore.. I spent Halloween sleeping.. Think slept too early.. When 4am the wind started to blow hard.. I woke up.. Tossing and Turning.. Couldnt get back to sleep.. I dream that I was back together with him, hanging out with our mutual frens.. one of them still asked why his hand is on my shoulder.. Iam blur by all that is happening and I woke up.. I didnt feel good at all.. Keep wondering y do I have that dream.. Is kind of a sad dream isn't?

Clear my head abit and went online.. Msn-ing with Bestie B.. She told me her fren said yest Power House St James is so pack that, they need Q 45min to get the bags from locker.. wow lucky we didnt went.. Bestie B going shopping later with her collg since they got their paychecks.. So nice.. Besite QM going Lee Hom concert with Bestie I n her hubby n Mr A.. So cool.. Me? Iam home blogging lo...

I have survived 1 month.. living without him..

Crop and make this from an anime.. I think is a cute way to express the hurt I had.. Imagine the sound of "Chomp!" ear being bitten.. and "Ahhh!" cry out of pain..

This is a song Bestie D recommended me.. Though is short.. but is nice..

No Matter- Angel

Doesn't matter whom you are with
Doesn't matter where you are going
Don't you know I'm still waiting here for you
And pray for you

In the sunny days, sun will light your day
In the windy days, wind will lead your way
I have to say, you're my treasure moments
Never gonna walk away

In the rainy days, rains will share my tears
In the stormy days, storms will steal my pain
Just go your way and leave things all behind
Spread your wings and fly away

I'm pretending you're mine
I'm wishing you'll be fine
The moments we share never die
You've made a difference to my life
And let me realize
The feeling I've got deep inside

30th Oct 2008

2008-10-30T17:16:00.006+08:00

30th Oct 2008

Woke up around 2pm.. think iam fully taking advantage of sleeping till afternoon b4 I start working next week.. went online in the afternoon.. kinda excited meeting Fren A later at cityhall at night.. it's been long since I last saw her..

Iam so glad to see her.. we went marketplace to get drinks b4 heading to espanlade to chat.. 2 heart broken gals comforting each other.. sidetrack.. there is a pair of les sitting right in front us, hugging and kissing.. gross.. and the 2 of them looks girly..

We both shared our hurts.. She shared with me how she has healed him from his last relationship. The guy was being dumped previously and still could not get over the gal even when he is with my fren. He has hurt himself, try to suicide.. my fren is there for him.. When he start going out with my fren, he still keep that gal photo in his wallet for a year, when my fren found out, she still forgive him graciously. Slowly, my fren healed him and help him back on track.. When he busy at work, my fren even help him out doing secretary stuff..

All through 8 yrs, my fren have done so much too.. My fren said their breaking might be bcos the guy wants to concentrate on his career, and he is not willing to give her the attention and need in a r/s.. b4 he met with the PRC he is very cold to my fren too.. no calls no sms.. Iam wondering just how hard does it take to reply a sms or a short call?

Yet he can meet the PRC and choose to be with her.. Why? My fren say if she is the one who went to look for the bf at his office at Tuas, things wouldnt be like that.. cos maybe the PRC was there to probably to empathise and comfort him for working hard at office.. I think it didnt justify the situation at all.. I feel so unfair for her.. WTH.. she is there all along for the bf.. when he say he is busy cant meet her.. she take it and wait for him to be free then.. she is there all along waiting for him..

Once I thought if I didnt went for that holiday, things wont happen.. Iam wrong.. If he wants to do that, nobody can stop him.. If not of this woman, another woman can make him to do that too.. So afterall is his fault..

My fren say maybe the PRC didnt demand anything from him.. the attention the care.. thats y he prefer to be with her.. My fren still so kind help him look for excuse.. When in a r/s who doesnt need the attention, the care, the love from the other? And the guy didnt even settle the problem with my fren, when she caught them at the chalet where she is doing her co's event.. If she never saw them, how long will she be kept in the dark? She told me she heard the PRC calling him "lao gong".. my heart went to her.. I know how it feels.. When I know tt woman sent Mr D flirty sms, called Mr D "baby", when I know they went out behind my back, hold hands, kiss and more stuff.. I think I almost died, cos my heart stop beating when I know of this..

In the end, we still cant figure out how can they give up the 8 yrs r/s so easily, and treat us like nothing anymore.. and we both felt the Bu Gan Yuan.. Done so much, yet like "toys being snatched away"..

I feel so sad and heartpain for her.. cos I see myself in her.. we face similar situations.. the pain she is going through.. I wanted to be by her side, help her get through this phase.. is not easy to do this alone.. I knew..

My fren told me that she is afraid to fall in love and got hurt again.. Second time got hurt will be worse when you give equally as much as the 1st time.. But I told her, as for me, if the second time I got hurt again, I think I can take it easier since the 1st time already like hell, nothing can be worse =) And I will give equally as much for the 2nd time too.. since I want to marry and have kids young.. I wont give up this dream.. so I will still believe in love..

I hope my fren will believe in love again.. a better guy will surely comes to her and treasure and love her.. I think god is fair to everyone..

This is a gift from her... so sweet of her..

Kawaii~~ so colorful

The 1 on the left is a meaningful gift.. is a small torch.. it reads "Dark clouds never stay still in a single spot"

The 1 on the right is so sweet.. one of my fav disney characters.. Chip n Dale!! Is a 2009 organiser that comes with stickers all those stuff.. Kawaii!! This what my fren wrote "Now that you have found a job, this will mark the beginning of a new phase of your life. I hope you'll be able to record your first date with the next guy you meet, your anniversary with your new BF, how much kg you've lost every week, every month, & the achievement of your every goal."

Hey gal really thanks for the gifts, I Luv them!! Iam really glad that you found me again and Iam able to help you!! Dont feel bad and sorry that by helping you, I will get sad by digging my wounds again.. No!!! Talking about it again and again helps me to grow and move on, and I cant run away from this forever.. It has happened and I can only deal with it =)

The picture is clearer

2008-10-29T23:11:00.011+08:00

The picture is clearer

After so long, talking to many Besties n talking to Fren A.. I think I have a clearer picture and mind now..

I realised that the whole episode thing is not my fault.. I shouldnt blame myself and help him find anymore excuses for this failed r/s..

He is the one who cant resist the temptation outside and cheated behind my back and leave this r/s.. He is the one who put down this 8 yrs r/s.. He is the 1 being superficial, who told me looks is very important to him, it completes the whole package..Superficial.. My ex tutor told me, man who are superficial are pigs.. This I love you 99% but I cant get over that 1% thing is total crap..

Yes, he is the one who has always take good care of me physically and daily things.. but I think I have done my part too..

I have been waiting for him.. I have wait for him to get through NS faithfully, giving him care and love when I know he is struggling to get by.. I still want to wait for him, when he told me he want to study Uni too.. I respect his decision though I thought it might be better for him to work 1st cos after all he is a guy, to gain work experience and maybe next time study part time if needed since he already lost 2 yrs in NS.. But I still wait for him.. Thinking I graduate 1st, work 1st to save money to get marry.. I have been waiting for him all along.. even when he has nothing to offer me.. Iam willing to wait for him to build a future together.. I dont need a nice house or a car.. I only want a decent place to stay with him.. All this while I have been waiting.. waiting for him to grow up and be a good man..

And now he say leave then leave.. Dont care about his future and can even dont study the last year of Uni just to be with that woman..

Iam the one who always help him through.. when he say dont know this dont know that.. Iam the one who bother and go look up the stuff then tell him.. when I started my toy blog, Iam not familiar with the html thing, asked him since he has a Info system Dip.. in the end Iam the 1 end up doing all the stuff.. When he was younger he has low confidence about himself.. Iam the 1 who always praise him and encourage him to do things and not to be scared failing.. Iam the 1 who always put my absolute trust and believe in him, so to let him gain more confidence..

Before breaking up.. He once commented that I didnt give him much stuff except the Swatch watch he remembered quite clearly.. He is not some1 who like to shop, especially buying his own things.. So I took this up for him.. I wanted to tell him "open up ya wardrobe and see for yourself", I still remember the last I help him buy is a Topman Shirt and a tie for my Fren G's wedding.. When he said he wanted a crumpler, I bought him something similar cos quite broke to afford crumpler.. When he said he wanted a bigger bag for JB trip, I bought him something when I last went to HK.. I know he is a tee, berm, slipper person.. bought him a pair of Havaianas, cos more comfortable for walking.. I take note when he comment he need or want something cos I know he wont get it himself.. Whenever I do shopping, he is on my mind.. Will automatically look for guy stuff too.. It has becomes a habit.. Even now.. When I realised it, my excuse will become is for my brother.. How pathetic.. But in the end he told me all these stuff dont get into his heart.. He didnt say he want it or need it.. I knew him too well, he will say these stuff...

Whenever we fight or quarrel, Iam always the one who give in first, apologised.. Cos I dont want it to hurt the r/s.. He has the stubborn n ego.. There are only 2 times throughout the 8yrs that I ever slapped him. 1st time, happened when he went too much in the fight, he told me if I want to talk to him, he will only hear when I go to his house to talk.. I was so angry I slapped him once I get into his house. 2nd time, the sat date he told me about the cheating and the woman.. I felt so much anger and hurt that I gave him a tight slap..

When this episode happen, I still stood by his side till the very end.. A part of me wanted him to see the light and comes back to me, another part of me I want to see all these to the end.. After he hurt me so, of all the things he did, I still care for him.. Scare the woman is 2 timing him, just treat me as a companion/ toy boy.. Worried he has no friends since he is always living in his own world.. Worried about his future since he said he can dont care about the future for that woman.. Worried that with his those characteristics will he make it in the future.. Worried if he is able to take care his family and his aging grandma, give them a better life.. Worried if he can pass his last year of Uni.. Endlessly worry for him.. it just comes naturally..

Sadly, after all these.. He didnt see it, didnt see me.. He gave his love to some1 else and left me.. Sometimes I wonder do I still have that tiny space in his heart? Or he has totally forgotten me? After all is 8 yrs.. I know that I shouldnt count the period.. Some ppl can just date for 1 year n blissfully married.. Bottom line is the love b/w 2 persons that make things work.. The 8 yrs have become a pity, a shame..

I have a clearer pic now.. 8 yrs I have spent with him, giving my best, waiting n trying to build a future, after all I have done and tried and I still lose it all.. is enough.. I give up.. I shouldnt dwell on this anymore.. I shouldnt still have the slightest thoughts being with him, he gave this 8 yrs up, dont see a future of himself, has nothing to offer me... I shouldnt still dwell and willingly sink with him..

Iam still young - 23, still have a bright future if I shape it properly, still have alot of things waiting for me to do.. I can still build my dreams without him.. I wont give up the thought of marrying young and have kids of my own.. I want to have a career and earn as much as possible when Iam still young and able to.. I want to provide my parents a better retirement since they have been working so hard for my brother and me.. I want to bring my mum to travel, to visit as many places as possible, she has been backpacking before she have me at 28.. I think I got her love of travel too..

We only live once in a life time.. I want to live.. Iam going to treasure and enjoy every moment of the rest of my life.. We never know when it is going to end and time wait for no one.. I will treasure my family, they will be with me forever(I dare say forever in this)I will treasure my friends, they are the ones who stood by me in the ups and downs of my life, never left me. I hope we can be friends forever, I hope I can be a tiny part of your life too..(I dare say forever in this too).. This episode really thought me to treasure.. Even the closest thing you have can be lost through time.. I know nothing is forever.. Only treasure..

He once told me if he didnt do this, he will regret for life.. and thats no turning back for him now.. I hope I can be his regret for life then.. at least he will remembered me for life.. Once he told me that he was not happy being with me all along.. Now, I hope tt woman can love him more than I do, can care for him more than I do..take care of him...

They say the amount of love you have = amount of hurt you will feel.. The love must be alot then, cos the hurt seems never ending.. killing me softly.. I really wish all the happy memories with him can overwrite the hurts.. but is not working.. too painful..

I still want to live, want to move on... Iam not "a small gal"..

Something I wanted to say to him.."Live, grow up, be a better man, proves to me that I didnt make the wrong choice of choosing you!!"..

29th Oct 2008

2008-10-29T23:11:00.003+08:00

29th Oct 2008

I got a call from the Co's HR at 9ish.. Ask me to look through the proposal she sent vis email, if Iam ok with it, I can go down to sign the contract.. Everything is fine so I told her Iam going down...So is Bestie WY.. We both agree that we dont see a future doing this but look at it as a stepping stone..

I met her around noon time at her place there, cos we need to take IC photos.. I reached 1st and settle mine, and go buy bubble tea while waiting for her to come down.. When we settle, only left half an hr to reach, so we took a cab down.. She went into the office first then my turn.. After we settle everything, we head back to toa payoh central.. I need plasters..darn the heels.. then we head to orchard to settle our medical check-up at the Co's doctor.. I didnt know there is xray too..

After check-up, we went window shop around orchard.. know there is topshop sale.. so see got anything to wear to work.. after that feeling hungry.. we went to shaw tower to have our dinner.. KFC buddy meal sitting in front of the big TV.. cool right.. we eat and chat..

After dinner, we went window shop around more, then we decide to settle at Borders BK to sit and just chat.. Yea we just sit outside the chairs there without ordering anything.. We head home around 9 plus.. Tired..

Iam glad I have known Bestie WY.. I think we knew each other for like 14 yrs.. I cant imagine life without her too..

27-28th Oct 2008

2008-10-28T13:01:00.007+08:00

27th Oct 2008

Its a public holiday today.. My whole family is at home.. I have no programmes so stay at home too.. The afternoon msn with my Fren A.. We chat and comfort each other.. Cos coincidentally she also broke up with her bf of 8 yrs last sat.. I think is fate.. We have sort of didnt contact much ever since my year 2 in SIM.. But she found me again..

Fren A has been with her bf of 8 yrs too..and they plan to ROM next year.. But on last sat, she saw him walking down the street with another woman.. Tt woman is a PRC who hook up on him after asking for directions on the street b4.. The moment I heard this.. I feel like crying for my Fren A.. Why does this happen to her too? Why she have to go through this too? She is such an angel..

What is that guy thinking? Where did his brain gone to? 8 yrs le.. He wants to leave then leave when another woman comes along.. He didnt even tell my fren until she saw them herself..It really pissed me off when I hear this.. Cos is just like what MR D did.. He too say that PRC understand him more than my fren.. Bullshit.. How much can she understand within such a short while? Maybe she did something or say something that is pleasing to him and touch his heart that moment.. "Understand him more".. Iam so tired of hearing this.. Is just an excuse.. When u want to be out of the game.. u can give so many excuses and push the blame to other for the break up.. Trying to reassure yourself that what you doing is right? Or want to make yourself feel better?

Why He and Mr D are the same kind of species.. Coward - cannot settle things properly, choose the easy way out only.. Selfish - only think for themselves, never think for the other.. Moral values - where r the moral values? cheating n 3rd party is not right.. Does the 8 years of r/s meant nothing to you? Where is the love, memories and promises? I know both of them will not see all these anymore..

Iam really sad to hear this from her.. I know how much does it hurt.. I went through hell.. My heart feels for her.. Why she have to go through this too..

28th Oct 2008

I met Bestie D for movie in the afternoon.. She wanted to watch Love Exposure.. Seems interesting so I went with her.. Anyway I have the 1 for 1..

The movie is about affairs and betrayal.. There are 2 beautiful best friends. 1 is single but has an affair with a handsome married co-worker, the other is married to a average joe but the husband has an affair with his co-worker too.. The single woman thought is alright to have an affair since she dont have much feeling for him, wanting a companion during lonely nights.. but guilt seems to creep in when she met the guy's wife and her superior blame her for intruding the guy's r/s.. The married woman at first take the situation lightly as she thought her husband is popular so alot of gals will attract to him and seduce him.. but the truth is otherwise.. the gal tell her is the husband who went after her.. this really upset her and she went for divorce.. She is so upset that she had a argument with the best friend.. She tell her what she's doing is wrong and deem her as home-wrecker.. "Do you think the guy will divorce his wife for you?" "Get a life".. After the divorce, we see how the once rich tai tai trying to get a life and look for a job(is quite funny), but in her heart she still love and miss her husband.. Though the husband is not good looking, got pot belly, but he treats her well and showers her with love.. The ending is as predicted, the married couple is back together and have a child.. while the single woman left the affair and get on with her life..

My conclusion is.. never be the 3rd party.. put yourself in the gf/wife shoes.. if you are them, do you want this happen to you? Never do something to others which you dont want it to happen to yourself too.. For me.. no matter how much I like the guy, if I know he is attached.. I will reject him.. This thinking is even stronger after what I have went through..

After the movie, we went to Coffee Club to eat and chat.. I had the shepherd's pie(1st pic).. Bestie D has the bake rice(2nd pic).. The shepherd's pie is darn filling.. worth the price..

After dinner, we went walk walk awhile to digest the food.. cos Iam meeting Bestie S n Bestie F later at Cityhall last time b4 Bestie F goes back to LA.. We went to eat at Asian Kitchen.. Iam still full from last meal, so i just order the xiao long bao to share with them.. We talk and eat.. Then we head to Gelare for dessert.. Yea half price waffle day.. But even half price le I find it exp.. Who will eat it paying full price then? We talk alot.. then we realised wow time really fly.. we have known each other for 10 years le.. So old liao sad.. We then said we should have this anniversary thing for our friendship.. the next 10 years.. we might have kids tugging along.. we never knew what happen 10 years later.. I might not even be around, they both say choi dun say like this.. Haha but life is like this, thats why we treasure things ah..

Here are some photos.. Darn my red eye n swollen too.. Dunno y like this..

26th Oct 2008

2008-10-26T13:43:00.007+08:00

26th Oct 2008

Woke up to do some work outs before had my brunch.. Kinda excited cos Iam gonna meet Bestie F who have come back for a holiday from US, it has been a year I guess!! Iam going to meet her later at night. We have been Bestie since secondary time.. wow tts long..

Iam gonna make her sushi and pass too her later. She said she love my sushi since I made for her long ago back in secondary school. As I cooked the rice, I realised the rice texture is kinda bad. Sad.. I thought I will make it good.. Darn the rice if not is perfect.. Haha I know it didnt look appealing, but it taste good.

I met her at Kino around 8.30pm cos I need to pick up my comic and is 20% today wohoooo!! Later, we head to Mos Burger for her dinner.. We chat while she eat.. Bestie F update me about her life at US, it wasnt easy for her, she work hard for her job.. At the peak busy time with all the OT, is really killing her to work 60-70 hours per work, poor thing..but of cos her pay check will justify her hard work, 2 weeks paycheck is around USD4000 so do your math for her annual paycheck lol.. super envy.. I know she work really hard at these while for her future in order to become what she is today. She is really interdepent now, I hope I can be like her too lol.. We talked about my failed relationship.. 1 pt she became agitated and said if she meet him, she will bombard him with all the qns he thought he is right..

She told me a successful and good man is to able to take care and provide for himself, his family and the woman. In reality, everything needs money. So you have to plan your future, your career seriously. It takes years to build your life, but it only take seconds to ruin your life. If you cant even take care of yourself, how do you take care of others. Bestie said this is what she told her younger brother, and he has become much matured now. Come to think of it, my younger brother has the same values too, he has worked hard since young too, he knows his path and his future very well. Seems my brother is even more dependent than Mr D. I told Bestie that he once said that for her, he can dont care about the future, he can be so desperate with her that he can give up his last year at Uni if not of his parents money. I was deeply disappointed by what he said b4, she found it unbelievable too. She said he treat "Ai Qing Dan Fan Qi", and I surely deserves someone better.

Later on, Bestie S joined us later after her family dinner, we went shaw Mcafe there to drink and continue to chat till 12am. We talked alot.. Bestie F talked about her church friend's wedding at US recently.. Her friends married after 2 year r/s.. The guy is a pastor, so I think they do have stronger perspectives.. They didnt hold hands when dating outside, their first kiss is after the marriage vow.. They believe that they are still learning about each other daily.. Though Iam not a christian, but I find their's is so beautiful and pure.. Seems u can hardly find it in today's world.. where people are much selfish and self-centered, moral values are more distorted..

This is the Pressie from Bestie F.. Yea BCBG so cool..

Last Card from Him

2008-10-26T13:42:00.005+08:00

Last Card from Him

I found this when I was doing some packing.. I think this is his DIY card this Valentine or last Valentine.. I read again and I cry..

"To: Dear Dear

Sorry for the last minute work and messy words. Just want to say Thank You!! for bearing and being with me for all these years, I know that I haven't been a good boy and a good boyfriend to you, always bullying and making fun of you (but thats the way that I show how much that I love you. I may have a fiery temper and can be nasty at times but (you always also sometimes return them to me) so we are even ok?

I hope that you understand that both of us have changed in terms of appearances and characters throughout the years that we had been together. 7 years is defintely a long time and I always like to thank you for being there for me during the ups and downs of my life. I know I always wanted you to change (loss weight etc) but those thoughts had become stagnant. If I love you, I should love all of you. Thats why I have decided to just put away your shortcomings and live with your good ones. I promise you that I will change but it takes time but I know that you will defintely wait for me coz you love me the best. Hope that we can stay together forever and ever happy as always and step onto the red carpet of the church together.

Forgive and Forget all my points of badness, Love and Cherish all my points of goodness and I will do the same in return to you. I may not be the best but I try to be the best in your heart.

Love you always,
Desmond (aka black pig)"

I cry because I felt the love from him once there and then.. I cry because I had believed what he have said and promised.. I cry... In the end.. I knew all these are true from him once.. but now all these have become beautiful lies.. all these have become piercing hurt..

25th Oct 2008

2008-10-26T10:53:00.006+08:00

25th Oct 2008

I woke up around 11 plus.. Did my morning work outs slowly while watching MTV.. By the time I finished was 12 plus.. Start preparing brunch, cook scrumble eggs and finsh the last batch of chicken fillets.. Wanted to wake my bro up for lunch, by he woke up himself while I cooking half way.. He didnt mind eating the same stuff again.. I thought he didnt mind cos he only eat, no need to cook or wash, bleh...

After all the washing and cleaning, I spent the afternoon watching TV and anime. Time flies, my mum came back at 5pm. Dunno what to eat for dinner, we decided to get pizza hut for dinner. 2 for 19.90, not a bad deal. I know I cant eat Carbo, but I thought give it a rest day, Iam going to make it up tomolo. Nowadays, I will count what I put in my mouth. It has become a habit. If a day I eat more than I should, then I will make it up for the next few days.

At night, I cant help but my mind wonders again. I keep thinking of what Mr D said b4, he said that if next time in future if he ever to break up with his current gf, he might not tell me about it. Iam wondering, Why not? Not even as being ya friend? He said is because he think that if I know about the break-up I will try to get back with him. And his gf think this way too.

I really laugh out loud, almost choke on my vodka. My mum think I went crazy again. Haha who do they think they are? Seems like they think Iam a still a love-sick fool or idiot. Actually, all my close friends and besties have also asked me, "Seriously, will you?", "If he comes back to you, you will want to get back too right?", "You are still waiting for him, arent you?". Is mainly, because what I have done in the past that friends and besties knows that "Cos you are laiman"...

In the past, Iam always the 1st 1 who will put down, give in and run to him whenever we fight till on verge of breaking. Call him to apologise n try to solve problem, but he delibrately not picking up or switch off his phone.. Waiting outside his house at 6am to apologise and try to talk to him again.. Again and again..

Back to the I-will-try-to-get-back-with-him thing. Mr D and his gf think this way, maybe cos b4 when things are over, they saw me doing lots of stuff to try to get him back. My Love for him was once pure, sincere and strong, that is the reason I keep doing my best, trying and trying till the end. But in the end, he chose to left me and give up on our r/s.

The moment he give up on me, it's over. I still have my pride and love myself. No doubt, there are still some feelings for him now. But afterall the hurt he gave me, turn my life upside down, how can I want to get back to him? I will be doing myself injustice. The moment he severe the ties, nothing is left of us. He gave up on me, why should I still chase after him?

If anything happens, if he still have feelings for me, isnt he should be the 1 trying to get back to me? So my point is. Dont be stupid, I will stand my ground and wont move a step towards him. I have done enough, if there is anything, is his turn to work. Even if there is any feeling left in me, I wont move s step. Whats mine will be mine. If there is still love from him to me, he will comes to me. If not, then I will just wait for the right one to come to me. I will not chase after him again..

The him I loved the most is the him 8 yrs ago. When he is kind, caring, innocent, selfless..When Iam his world, everything and him to me.. If he can change back to this him, he will be worthy again..

Ok enough of my grumbling.. The vodka works some how..

22nd - 24th Oct 2008

2008-10-24T16:34:00.005+08:00

22nd Oct 2008

I woke up by Bestie WY's sms of asking me to call her. I thought something happen to her or wat. I quickly called her, then realised is just that she went for an interview, runs quite smoothly, the person in charge seems nice too, and Bestie told me to send my resume too as the Co. like urgent in need of staff. So I just try, thinking if I got it, might not be so bad since got Bestie WY with me. I send in my resume, and start doing my morning mild work outs. Have my brunch of scramble eggs n chicken fillet again.. kinda sick of it.. After brunch online awhile to watch my snime and I got a call around 1.30pm from the co. to go for a interview at 4pm. I start preparing around 2pm but have a hard time finding formal wear for the interview. I drag till 3 plus then decided to take a cab to the office at Toa Payoh. As usual all taxi uncles love to talk to me lol.. Is kinda dangerous, that the uncle too oblivious in talking than driving.. there is a moment the cab nearly knock to a lorry at the next lane in the CTE, I didnt wear the seat belt(lazy) and almost thrown forward.. scary..Lucky I manage to make it 1 pc to the office at 4pm.. It is a newly office, the co just shifted here from JE and still renovating, so I had hard time finding the person in charge..

The interview went well.. I think she got the "hire me" in mind already..as she told me she hope I can start and help her asap. Iam so happy, finally I have work. Have $ for Christmas and New Year lol..At least the pay is decent enough for the economy now..

As expected, Toa Payoh Hub there is darn crowded..Buy some food stuff for my famiy b4 I went home.. I took 65 from Orchard.. Alot ppl too.. I waited so long, so heartpain that my transfer price will be gone, but yeah I make it..

23rd Oct 2008

Today Iam suppose to have a date with Bestie WY and Bestie D for a movie at 3pm. But just as well my bro and mum dont have to work. My bro said he gonna treat us lunch at Vivo, how can I say No? Kim Gary, their favourite.. I thought Besties will also dress mei mei, in the end iam the only 1 who wore mei mei(i thought I dress mei mei okay).. I so scare Zhou Geng with heels since iam quite clumsy.. Who cares I wanna feel better..
So after a very full lunch at Vivo, I hang around with my bro and mum till 2.30pm then head to cineleisure.. The show 3.15pm starts I barely reached there 3.20pm but started le.. darn where are the adverts..so miss abit front.. Gomenasai Besties..

Anyway is a crap show..Burn after Reading.. only go there watch Brad Pitt.. After the show we head to cityhall raffles city to suntec city, cos Bestie WY wanna get a jacket for her bf.. sweet ya.. Anyway we stop at New York New York for dinner.. The toopid young waiter really piss me off.. We will browsing the menu outside the restaurant b4 go in. When we just get seated, he came and asked us if can take order le.. I kindly replied that we still want to take a look, he replied "I thought you guys already take a look outside just now", I then said " I want take a closer look at the menu again", and he said "What is there to see? Is only food.." Okay I gonna lose my cool le, Bestie WY too.. Bestie D say he is just trying to be friendly n funny.. Nice try dude.. You nearly make me want to leave that place..

After dinner, we continue to Suntec to look for Jackets.. Bestie D bought a cute pink kid's Gap jacket for $35 only.. cheap.. is kid's XXXL so adult can wears too.. Bestie WY bought the nike jacket from the nike shop..After shopping we stayed and chat till 10 plus b4 heading home..It is raining, Bestie D took cab home.. while me and Best WY walked to Espanalde to take bus home as we dont have umbrellas.. the only way not to get wet..On the way we took some cool pics too lol..

When I reached home, my feet is killing me, the heels are too much, I got lotsa blisters after whole day of walking.. Ouch..

24th Oct 2008

This morning I woke up with really bad backaches, nearly cant go toilet(my home is old squat type), trying to fix my back, keep twisting and turning, but it still hurts. Have my brunch, and went online to update my blog. Being slacking for the past days to do updates on my blog. Evening time, went vivo to meet my tikam frens. Have dinner, and then settle for drinks and play Rubrick. Yea been hook to Rubrick ever since I know how to play. Always fun n laughter with them. When Iam home, my dearest bro told me he saw me at Carl Jr, wanted to share his meal with me as he cant finish all, but he saw me with too many ppl, too shy to come to me, sweet.

Back home, Iam organizing some of my thoughts when msn-ing with Bestie D and Uncle Gabe. Thank you for hearing me grumbles again. I asked Uncle Gab what he think of submissive gals in a r/s? are they better? He told me there are dominating n submissive ppl in a r/s, cant comment much about them, but he surely is quarrel type, I knew it lol.. Trying to comfort me, he told me maybe being submissive is not that good in the end, cos no 1 can always give in, maybe there will be a time of big fight.

I knew I will never be the submissive type in a r/s, cos I believe a r/s should be both contributing, not a 1 man show. I think I wont be able to tolerate when the guy want to control me, like control what u should do, shouldnt do, what should u wear, who u should hang out with, where u go and etc. Iam not sure if this is control, or caring? But I knew I am not this type of gal. I want to be independent in life and independent in a r/s.

In a r/s, I will like the guy to give me freedom to do what I want, cos it shows that he trust me n believe in me. The more freedom he give me, the more I will automatically want to stick and glue to him and treasure him and the relationship, to me, this is trust and love for each other. E.g, after a night out with the gals, the words I wanna hear from him will be, "Did you have fun Baby?" and not, "Why you havent get home yet? Do you know what time is it now?" And for the things I done, I wanna hear the praise to acknowledge my effort..give me a hug and said "Thank you, You have work hard"..Telling me "You look nice today" when I take effort to doll up.. This is a real charming mature man to me =)

Bestie D was telling me "i guess in today's world..nothing is absolute right and wrong when it come to love..it juz depend on individual moral values..and the angle of seeing the issue.." You might see that is wrong that she came between the r/s when she is still attached, but she might not see is wrong.. own individual moral values.. You might see that is wrong that he cheats on you n end the r/s faster than a bullet train, but he might not see is wrong.. own individual moral values.. If the love can withstand the test, none of these will happen.. Hence the love once was shallow.. so shallow..

21st Oct 2008

2008-10-21T18:38:00.001+08:00

21st Oct 2008

Woke up, with my back still aches, managed to do some mild work outs. Shower and had my brunch of scramble eggs with chicken fillet. Then I spent the whole afternoon to pack my toys, note down inventory and taking photos. Is even more tring when I could hardly bend lol. Evening, I just had an apple for dinner, not really hungry. Watch the 7pm channel 8 show, kinda hook on it. Then I continue to play my bro's Rubrick while watching TV. Too tried and went to sleep early again.

I found this song very meaningful too...

　蔡健雅 - 思念。

　　　　　　　作詞：蔡健雅　作曲：蔡健雅

　　　　　　　堆積所有對你的思念
　　　　　　　把思念推進個黑暗的房間
　　　　　　　房間就在廚房的後面
　　　　　　　你仍會發現

　　　　　　　菸不離手把自己灌醉
　　　　　　　醉醒過後笑自己有多狼狽
　　　　　　　泡的咖啡有苦的滋味
　　　　　　　我睜開了眼
　　　　　　　忘記你是誰

　　　　　　　讓風箏自由乾脆剪斷了線
　　　　　　　讓它往藍天空隨風而飛
　　　　　　　越飛越高直到看不見
　　　　　　　像電影裡的畫面

　　　　　　　這樣也許能讓我好過一些
　　　　　　　把你當做風箏隨風而飛
　　　　　　　越飛越高直到無所謂
　　　　　　　我剪斷了線
　　　　　　　不再對你懷念

　　　　　　　要風箏自由乾脆剪斷了線
　　　　　　　讓它往藍天空隨風而飛
　　　　　　　越飛越高直到看不見
　　　　　　　像電影裡的畫面

　　　　　　　這樣也許能讓我好過一些
　　　　　　　把你當做風箏隨風而飛
　　　　　　　飛到哪裡我無所謂
　　　　　　　我剪斷了線
　　　　　　　不再對你懷念

　　　　　　　愛
　　　　　　　總是讓人心碎
　　　　　　　讓我無法入睡
　　　　　　　我又忍不住走進了房間
　　　　　　　我閉上了眼
　　　　　　　又被思念包圍

　　　　　　　又被思念包圍

It's Over

2008-10-20T16:12:00.007+08:00

It's Over

Things I loved about him

- He can take care of me
From small to big things, he can really take good care of me. He never reject me whenever I need help. His caring never ends I guess

- He dotes on me
He is not stingy about buying me gifts, treating me to meals, movies even shopping. This is something that bothers me, he seldom buy things for himself, he says he dont need them. So whenever he needs something or want something, I will go get for him, I thought he will be happy. Yet, he told me he dont need them, the gifts wont touch his heart

- He makes me feel secure
I have never feel more safe with him than anyone else, even my family. I thought he will always be there for me whenever Iam in trouble. I felt safe in his arms

- He is honest and truthful
His honesty and truthfulness makes me trust him wholeheartedly. He will never keep anything from me. I never doubt his words. He is truthful to me to the very end

- He makes me laugh
He is a pure entertainer, with him, there are always alot of laughter

- He sings for me
Music is a big part of his life. Singing is his greatest forte. Singing is his love. Whenever he sings to me, I feel special and important

- His Hands
He got big and soft hands, makes me feel peaceful and clam when pressed against my cheeks.

- His Eyes
He got long and lush eyelashes that matches his eyes. Iam always jealous of this. Thats why I loved to hold his face in my hands and just gaze at him.

- His Shoulders
Maybe cos he is slightly taller, my head fits nicely on his shoulders without tip toe or whatsoever.

The amount of Love for him

They always said Love cant be measured...And we always wondered how much Love is there.. Maybe the amount of things you can do for that some1 can act as a measurement of Love..

Over the 8yrs I have put in so much Love that I didnt even realised it. For him, the extend of love seems infinite, seems I can do anything for him. The things he said, I always try my best to do them. I rarely reject him unless it is really not within my means given that period. I realised, for him, if he is in danger which needs my blood or any of my possible organs to save him, I will save him but I still want to stay alive, cos I want to stay alive and continue living with him. Will I die for him? If Iam dead and he lives, I rather we both die together, so that we are still together. I wont mind to die with him, if I know Iam the only love for him, the one and only one. Hence this is the amount of love I have for him.

Last Chapter

Thanks for the 8 yrs together. I thank you fate that brought us once together, out of so many people in the world, is really not easy. Thanks for the happy memories, we have many happy times together. Thanks for loving me before, no matter how small it has become. Thanks for being important in your life b4, and you to me.

Iam glad at least I have loved and being loved b4. I have never regret being together with you, nobody expected this too. The things you did, the hurt you gave me, maybe even you died a hundred times will never make it up to me, but I never hate you and I didnt want to cos hate will only bring more hurt. I hope all the happy memories we had can overcome and erase the hurt in me. 我不想忘記你, 我不想討厭你, 或許不能夠擁有你, 但你的好我還記得, 曾經擁有過你, 是不是, 就該滿足了？

I have always work hard, chasing after you from behind, trying my best to be on par with you. Even you rejected me, I still keep trying hard, hoping you will finally notice me. But I realised, no matter how hard I tried, you will never notice me, so there is no point to keep going. Its enough, I dont want to keep chasing a flyaway kite anymore. No matter how much Love I put in, it will never be return. Its enough, I give up.. Iam through Loving you..你走得太快忘了等待, 我追着心痛的节拍, 却没跟上来, 你判了我失败

I have done everything I can do for you for us for myself. Love cant be forced. Whats suppose to be mine will be mine. Everything happens with a good will and intention. Iam not sure if our destiny or fate has truely ended, time will tell. For now, there is nothing left of us already. Maybe we might cross path again in future, time will tell.

You have asked me to give you blessings. Iam sorry I cant bring myself to do that. But I wished you happiness, so long you are happy, I will be happy for you too.

I will be ok without you. Even thought the 8 yrs of memories and past will still haunt me at night sometimes. But I have cry lesser. I have put all these memories and past lock somewhere deep in my heart. I will stand up from where I fall and move on. I will believe in Love again when the right one comes for me.

我存在是因为(曾有)你存在, 我对你的依赖, 无尽的依赖这是我的爱

為什麼不能好好愛我, 為什麼要給我那些承諾, 為什麼要讓我以為會有未來
為什麼要這麼殘忍的離開, 為什麼不聞不問, 為什麼說走就走…
為什麼就不能多為我想想, 為什麼說不愛就不愛, 為什麼感情能收的這麼快
是你從不曾對我認真過, 還是你從未想過我們有以後…

知不知道我好想打給你, 知不知道我好想聽你的聲音, 知不知道每當電話響起時我有多希望是你
知不知道我有多愛多愛你, 知不知道我有多不想失去你, 我只是太過於愛你…

I know what I said now might not matters to you anymore. But this is something I want to say out and be remembered. Maybe 1 day when you have experienced lost and fall, and read this again, you will understand what I said and how I felt.

For now, sayonara my dearest love...

19-20th Oct 2008

2008-10-20T15:00:00.004+08:00

19th Oct 2008

Wanted to go wet market with my mum, couldnt wake up and she expected it too so didnt wake me up lol..I woke up around 10am.. Did my morning work-outs b4 breakfast.. Lazy sunday.. I went to watch finish Lovely Complex and listen to songs. My dad went to JB to get his medicine as he fren drive him there and my mum asked him to go Holiday Inn to buy back the super nice Kueh Bahulu back, ever since my last trip to JB, 1st time I bought these back, my family totally hook. At first I wonder if he will pass by Holiday Inn, and if so, will he able to find the store since is his 1st time buying, so my hopes wasnt that high. But when he opened the door at 3pm, I rushed out and saw the big red plastic bag. I knew it, he is the man =) I love him!! He never seems to fail me!! When I saw the Kueh Bahulu, it did remind me my last trip to JB with him. As usual, it was fun since we went as group. They always say JB isnt all that safe, but going with him makes me feel very safe, especially the crowded JB custom n busy streets. Anyway it's over. Even alone, I will be ok, cant let it stop me from going..

The Kueh Bahulu, my dad brought back chocolate flavour too - the square box, I know Iam dieting but I cant resist..

Found a few more songs that are suitable for my grieving period.. Not for him.. Iam grieving for the death of the r/s.. I think music really heals, it makes me interpret what the lyrics are saying and relate to my own...

戴爱玲 - 累格

你说不是所有爱情
都能够酿成一首流行歌
我说不是所有分手
都能够再虚伪的做朋友
反正爱情里头
谁先放弃谁就是第三者
何必重蹈覆辙
爱已经累了无法再负荷
你听了很多你说了很多
你都没有错错在我太寂寞
谁居心叵测谁存心搅和
不必再挑拨我现在只想撤
let it go 别再说
let it go 别挽留
得不到断不了谁又曾想过
闯进爱里头心整个累格
有太多假设有太多揣测
幻灭这一刻任谁都逃不过
从缠绵悱恻到彼此沉默
爱情这首歌你跟我 key不合
泪已够别再说
累已够别挽留

戴爱玲 - 对的人

你问在我心中是否还苦恼
那次受伤否决了爱的好
谢谢你的关照我一切都好
一个人不算困扰

爱虽然很美妙却不能为了寂寞又陷了泥沼
爱要耐心等待仔细寻找感觉很重要
宁可空白了手等候一次真心的拥抱
我相信在(这个)世界上一定会遇到

对的人出现(在眼角)
那次流过的泪让我学习到
如何祝福如何转身不要
在眼泪体会到与自己拥抱
爱不是一种需要是一种对照
能愿意为了一份爱付出去多少
然后得到多少并不计较
当我想清楚的时候我就算已经准备好
放手去爱海阔天高
喔...耶...

周笔畅李玖哲 - 你好吗

温柔的时间
抚平我们的亏欠
过几天过几年
伤会好一点
多久没见面
孩子气有没有变
还记得我们从前
笑的那么甜
baby 我想起你你有了他
是否依然为了爱变的很傻
我想起你你有一个他
好久都没说的话你好吗
温柔的缠绵
我也放下了依恋
我收着照片
安静在盒子里面
回忆是你我剩下
唯一的关联
问候是我对你
好想说出的话
现在你过的好吗
woo……ha……
ha……
我想起你你有了他

20th Oct 2008

Woke up, went for a short run at purmei hill around 10 plus and come back did some mild work ups. I realised my backaches came back, I can hardly bend my back, but i can still walk and run. The pain really hard to tolerate. In the afternoon, after lunch which consist of lettuce and chicken fillet, was busy updating my blog and online till evening when my mum came back. She brought back soup for dinner. So for dinner, I had soup and apple. I started playing with my bro's Rubik Cube with the instruction slip. He is at home, so when I got any prob will go pester him. He is kinda pissed with me lol. Finally, I managed to solve it after 10 plus. Brain dead, went to sleep early.

Some of what he said b4..

2008-10-18T18:03:00.001+08:00

Some of what he said b4

I thought of posting of what he said before..so that I will rem this is wat he said before..

"ya ya ... i owe u owe everyone that i know ok ... i m selfish only pursue wat i want in life ... but nv spare a thought 4 u ... i nv end thing nicely n clamly wif u like a man ... i m a coward ok ... anyway i will get used 2 all these remarks n stares... i jus want to b wif the one that i love ... n she is the one that i truly love now ... n she is also true 2 me ... n i hav no regrets makin that decision in my life ..."

Yes you are selfish, very selfish. Childish not a man. Hope you wont have regrets too.

"if i nv make that decision... i think i will regret it 4 the rest of my life ... n both of us wont b happy ... when i only b wif u afraid that u will b sad n cant take it n i m not really happy nor wat i want in my life ... u know my very high expectations so not really anyone can b wif me ... i m not ordinary simple guy ... "

You are wrong, if you never make that decision, only you are not happy cos I was happy all along when being with you. So now you make that decision, only me who will be unhappy. Yes I will be sad and cant take it if you leave, but you have left, so wats the purpose of that statement now. Thank you for your pretence of being happy when you are actually not. Do you have very high expectations 8 yrs ago? This is something of you NOW that I dont like. Too arrogant, high confidence. Nobody is perfect, you are not as good as you thought you are. By saying it out, it disgust me.

"yes u r impt in my life b4 ... u were everythin but i guess through the yrs i hav grown up n i hav 2 b true 2 wat i want ... i did admit i was naive 2 make the promise of saying i will marry u n b wif u 4 the rest of ur life ... now i realise life is reality n mus b practical ... we cant stay in the fairtale land of our own ... we hav 2 grow up n b true 2 ourselves... i hav 2 b true 2 myself of wat i want ... "

You didnt really grow up mentally, you changed. You knew you wasnt this way when you are younger. Or did you know? Becoming too self-centered, complacent taking things for granted, selfish, arrogant, too confidence about yourself. Yes I agree is naive, naive to make such promise when you dont even like me as who I am at all. Yes we should be rational and practical, I cant say you shouldnt be true to yaself. But is your this true to myself hurt me deeply, it disappoint me too. Yea I hope you truely grow up mentally.

"sorry 4 the selfishness inside me... but i cant force myself 2 b happy when i know i m not ... i try 2 let it go as time goes by ... but after so many yrs i cant ... n i know i nv will... so i made this decision ... "

Indeed you are selfish. Thank you for your pretence to be happy when you are not, cos I was really happy being with you all these 8 yrs. Sorry that you will never be happy being with me.

"its jus a pure coincidence that she appeared n i decide 2 make this decision ... i dun deny a part is bcoz of her but mostly is i want 2 make this decision myself ... hope u understand ..."

To be true, I think you only have the courage to make this decision cos that woman appears and she didnt turn you down. I thank you for her appearance too, if not I will be living in your pretence and makes a fool of myself that you actually like or love me, when Iam just a companion to you all these years.

"from small when i say i want somethin i will get it ... bcoz i m the prince ... theres nothin i cant get ... unless its not within my mean... i hav 2 do wat my heart says if not i will live wif this regret 4ever ...sorry"

This speaks so much about you. Even the great King has his fall.

"i told u i can only giv u 99% its always that 1% that i mind so much n it spoils everythin... u dunno me thats y u cant feel it ..."

You are wrong. You didnt give me the 99%, if not you wont just fall for another so easilt and left so suddenly. I think it should be the other way round. You said you mind so much, so it should be 99% you mind and 1% of love.

"nvm lah ... this had past so dun talk abt it anymore ... 2 me i want 2 love that person 100% n feel safe n secure wif her ... n its boost my confidence n self esteem ... thats y i change... this is the real me ... "

Your confidence and self esteem is overflowing already. Anymore of those, I dont know what will become you.

"in my eyes u r always a small gal ..."

The things I do with you might be childish or I might seems childish, cos I want to get your attention and love. I want you to look at me and smile. Cos I knew you have much pride and ego, I want you to feel that you are the stronger 1 in the r/s, take charge of the r/s, the 1 that can take care of me. Knowing myself physically, I know I can only go for being cute and not sexy in the past. I think that make me seems even more child-like. I knew you always think Iam some1 cant think for myself. You are wrong. Iam not a small gal. I do think, I did think for my future, yours, ours. I think when you always said "I dont know", I think and plan when you always said "Anything", I put in thoughts and Iam not trying to argue nor disagree with you when I give you my opinions about the negative side of things. Iam sensitive to ppl around me, and at least I think before I speak. If Iam a small gal, I wont be even writing all these stuffs.

"i thought i can take care of u all the time ... but i also got my limit n i m really tired already ... i need someone that can take care of me ... n i can also in turn take care of her ... the care that she giv me n i giv her is different ..."

I always thought the bf should be the 1 taking care of gf, like a man.

"ya ... i m afraid i will regret in future if we really get married ... i can only care 4 u as a fren ... nothin more nothin less ... it will stay this ways"

Yea Iam glad that we arent married, cos I dont want to marry some1 who dont love me whole heartedly too. Not to the you now, who cant even take care of the situation well, left alone taking care marraige n family.

"i thought u will change 4 me... but u nv did... until somethin big happens... i gav u so much time but u nv realise it on ur own ... always expect me 2 say out 2 u ... i m really tired of that ... we 2gether 4 so long but we jus dun hav that special click ..."

The change you meant is losing weight. I want to change it myself, not when u keep talking about it. If we were to get marry, you think I dont have the consciences to be a beautiful bride? Who dont want to be the most beautiful bride? Guess, you did not trust me all along, never trust me at all. How to realise on my own when I thought we are blissfully together? Even if I expect you to say, but did u say it out? You always expect me to read your mind, I cant totally even if Iam good with thinking how others will feel.

"ya... now... but its all 2 late ... u should know that ...but seriously i dun feel anythin ... n i also got my limit... n i know it wont work out ..."

Late. You were the one who called the stop. Of cos you dont feel anything, there is no me in your eyes. Limit. Where are mine then? Is it fair that you are the only one who think it wont work out all along?

16th-18th Oct

2008-10-18T14:57:00.004+08:00

16th Oct 2008

Woke up early again by the cooling breeze.. I knew I have to collect my spree stuff from Tampines at evening so Iam thinking of staying at Bestie D house for the night since only a few bus stops away.. Haha sorry to impose on her again..

For lunch, I make myself some chicken fillet and boiled cauliflower..at least better than lettuce.. after lunch I started watching a new anime I found "Lovely Complex" funny school life romance about this tall gal (172cm) in love with this short guy (158cm)..they started off bickering each other..then come is it possible for them to be together?.. defintely yes..height doesnt matter I guessed..

Then I was heading to Tampines, I was on the train listening to piano songs..think is bcos of the music.. I started to think that there are so many so many ppl in the world, is fate that we got to meet each other.. is hard to find some1 right you.. yet somebody can easily give it up.. Yup fate that brought us together n fate that brought us apart.. What am I thinking again.. next I know I reached Tampines..

After I collect my stuff I head to Bestie D house.. We chat abit.. She is listening to my "why" ranting again.. She talked about her past relationships.. then come night we got hungry and we walked to Bedok 85(famous ba cho mee), we ordered wu xiang.. haiz.. I knew Iam dieting but I need some time off I guess. Seeing her enjoying her food, feels good for me too..

We took a slower stroll back to digest the food.. after we bath, we play cards and watch NRWZD.. Guess Iam too sleepy I keep dozing off and watching..Its 4am...

17th Oct 2008

I kept waking n sleeping at Bestie D house maybe bcos I still think uncontrollably. By the time I fully woke up is 2pm, take a shower..Wait for her to wake up n watch her prepared for her gathering later.. How nice dolling up.. But now I hardly have the mood to do that.. I will if I got dates to go out lol..

By the time we left her house is around 6pm.. took 65 straight bus home.. darn it took 1 and half hour..By the time I reached home darn hungry.. didnt eat a thing since I woke up..

Watch abit of TV then felt tired.. Lay on bed, texting with Bestie B and I fell asleep..

Her last sentence was "make sure u cest la vie"..

18th Oct 2008

Woke up early.. Trying to use my new fitness belt with my mild work-outs.. helps you to tighten your tummy and burn fats when work-outs.. Not bad I guess.. Was watching MTV when doing work-outs, to distract me from peeping the clock too many times..

I watch 《稻香》周杰伦.. I felt kind of peaceful reading the lyrics and listening.. The song tell us not to hold onto failure for too long, as people tend not to walk ahead once fall down...dont be afraid to fall.. It gives me motivation to move on..

I tend to read the lyrics now when listening to songs.. Cos most of the time, the lyrics speak true, like how my heart feels.. Music do heal..

《稻香》歌词

☆词/曲周杰伦编曲/林迈可☆

对这个世界如果你有太多的抱怨
跌倒了就不敢继续往前走
为什么人要这么的脆弱堕落
请你打开电视看看
多少人为生命在努力勇敢的走下去
我们是不是该知足
珍惜一切就算没有拥有

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡
随著稻香河流继续奔跑
微微笑小时候的梦我知道
不要哭让萤火虫带著你逃跑
乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
回家吧回到最初的美好

不要这麼容易就想放弃
就像我说的
追不到的梦想换个梦不就得了
为自己的人生鲜艳上色
先把爱涂上喜欢的颜色
笑一个吧功成名就不是目的
让自己快乐快乐这才叫做意义
童年的纸飞机
现在终於飞回我手里

所谓的那快乐
赤脚在田里追蜻蜓追到累了
偷摘水果被蜜蜂给叮到怕了
谁在偷笑呢
我靠著稻草人吹著风唱著歌睡著了
哦哦午后吉它在虫鸣中更清脆
哦哦阳光洒在路上就不怕心碎
珍惜一切就算没有拥有

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡
随著稻香河流继续奔跑
微微笑小时候的梦我知道
不要哭让萤火虫带著你逃跑
乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
回家吧回到最初的美好

In the evening, I met up with Bestie QM @ The Pump Room @ Clark Quay for a drink.. Nice place.. It serves home brew beer.. We chose 1 that taste similar to Hoegarden.. We chat for awhile.. We talked about how something have to let go.. "If it is yours it will always be yours, If it is not, no matter how you try to keep it, it will never be yours".. I remember saying that to Mr D in the past.. I thought Iam some1 who can do that easily.. I was wrong Iam not as tough as I thought.. It will take alot of effort to do that.. We talked about how some ppl have seperated..go around a long circle and finally together again.. I guess fate plays apart too.. She told me some important things about r/s.. She said a r/s should be 1 that make both of you change together to be better and shouldnt be that only 1 change for the other.. cos you should love the person as who he/she is and not love the person you try to make he/she to be.. Hence you shouldnt lose yourself in a r/s.. You are who you are, nobody will be the same as you..

We also talked about how we should plan our Sat to do stuff together.. Like go jog, play tennis, badminton, roller blading, sun tan..

We were sitting outside and then went inside for the live band later.. The live band really cool, sings very well..Then there are ppl who holds Hen Party, Stag Party there.. The Band make the guy take off take off the pants left boxer and smack each other ass I think, couldnt see well..huge crowd blocking.. We hang around till 11 plus then head home.. so nice of Bestie's fren TF to offer come and drive Bestie home.. of cos I got a free trip home too haha.. was surprised he still remember roughly where I live.. good driver man lol..

This is a gift from Bestie.. Meji dark mushroom choc.. Kawaii.. I Luv some other Meji stuff too..Any 1 knows? Maybe next time I will buy and post it here =)

All my Besties are angels to me..so heart warming n touch.. the things they do for me.. How will I ever repay them =)

15th Oct 2008

2008-10-16T01:51:00.005+08:00

15th Oct 2008

Woken up by the cool breeze.. The cool breeze sweep past my cheeks and leave a tinge of warm from the sun..Is really nice way to wake up maybe cos I lived near the sea and mountain?? lol I sound like I live in a mansion..

Did some mild work outs then eat my brunch..

Same chicken fillet with lettuce.. but the chicken is terriyaki this time.. I think Iam going to throw up if I eat anymore of these.. But I must carry on lol.. Determination..

I met Bestie QM in the afternoon for a body spa session at Subtle Senses at 2pm, so sweet of her to treat me.. We expected a body massage but it turn out to be slimming session with body wrap steam bath n slimming machine.. I met her at the steam bath.. Iam laughing and saying that she's so slim n still do slimming session then she said no choice le..After this I walk back with her to office since I need to take mrt at Raffles Place.. Before she left, she gave me this..

So sweet and nice of her to DIY this..It did reminds me somebody that didnt do such things since a long long time ago.. Anyway the card is really cool.. It has a msg inside.. It said that "Iam here always for u.. juz give me a call & I'll be there. Do not be afraid coz we all here..'u are the BEST!!' always remember this, k?"

Thank you sweet!! Iam glad u all here when Iam alone in the dark.. I dont know what will I be now without u all.. Though sometimes I do feel afraid lost n hurt.. but Iam standing up from where I fallen, taking steps to walk out the dark.. All thanks to u all for the support n encouragement which makes me alot stronger.. Iam the BEST!! Iam the BEST he will ever had!! He is blind to never see!! He is stupid to never know!!

After the spa, I met up with Bestie D for movie at Orchard Cine. I have always wanted to watch "Closing The Ring". I cant resist those sad romance movies..I knew Iam not in the right state to watch these kind of movies..I will cry like no tomorrow.. Whatever...

We have a drink b4 the movie, went starbucks..

After movie, is quite late, we went dinner at NYDC at Wheelocks.. Iam sick of lettuce, hence I ordered mushrooms grilled with cheese n ham.. pathetic portion haha only 5 tiny button mushrooms. Well as usual Bestie D has her salad.

Is a WWII inspired story.. The story unfold across two continents - America & Belfast Ireland, across two timelines - 1941 & 1991.. It starts off at 1991 when the lead actress Ethel Ann(Shirley MacLaine) with Jack (Christopher Plummer) smoking outside a church where her husband has just passed away..She didnt grieve nor showed any sadness..at the other a continent..a simple minded teen Jimmy Reilly (Martin McCann) helping the former fireman Michael Quinlan (Pete Postlethwaite) dig around Black Mountain and found a gold ring that lead to the past 50 yrs ago..

Jack (Gregory Smith), Chuck (David Alpay) and Teddy (Stephen Amell) are three buddies who join the air force, and are training to be pilots, navigators and gunners, whatever it takes to bring them to the skies. Mischa Barton stars as young Ethel Ann who's the flower amongst the group, but only having romantic feelings for Teddy, whom she married in secret before the trio got shipped away to join the war...but just as expected as the movie will flow.. Teddy's plan crushed and died.. The young Ethel Ann then married to Chuck whom her parents always pressured her to and later they have a daughter.. Both Chuck n Jack have always love Ethel Ann. Sadly because of the promise she made to Jack that she will only love him n her heart has no room for another, she didnt give any love to her husband n daugther which makes her cold n cruel..The ring also bring the closure to her tormented past.. As before Teddy died, he told the former fireman Michael Quinlan (Pete Postlethwaite) to bring the ring to Ethel Ann and tell her that she is freed, but an explosion caused the lost of the ring and the truth be told only 50 yrs later.. When the older Ethel Ann learnt that, she cry and greive for the 1st time in 50 yrs, she didnt cry when Teddy died.. The older Jack has also come true to his heart that all these years he couldnt forget Ethel Ann, even he has married 3 times before..

I like the plot..the story seems original.. but I cant help but think..Is it possible to pine for someone for so long, or to lock away your heart so cruelly that you shut off affections even for your own child??..Like Jimmy asked towards the end..Can you really promised to love only once?..In the past I do, when I knew that some1 only has me n love me only, I will reciprocate by giving all my love to him only, my heart only has room for him and my eyes only for him, no other temptations and seductions and no 1 will crushed this sentiment of mine... Thats the past.. He has left knowing this.. He is not worthy for this sentiment anymore..

I found this somewhere, "Never make promises you can't fulfill, otherwise you'll find that nagging feeling coming back to haunt you, and it can be quite uncomfortable, unless of course it doesn't bother you as far as integrity and trustworthiness are concerned. Then again there's the living a lie, of not being true to yourself, which sometimes can be tricky when it deals with affairs of the heart, where ignorance may be bliss."

To me.. a promise even if it is broken.. it will always be there to remind u that some1 has promised u this before and it is never fulfill...

14th Oct 2008

2008-10-14T21:12:00.003+08:00

14th Oct 2008

Today woke up with body aching from yest work out lol..As it was midmorning, I decided to just have brunch. My brunch is chicken fillet wrap in lettuce, marinated with honey soy n pan fry with a little olive oil..taste not bad.. it might be better if it is fresh chicken fillet instead of frozen..

After brunch I walked to Shop n Save which is 15min away from my house to help my mum get sugar, I got more chicken fillet cos is on sale, think is near to expire, doesnt matter since is bloody cheap..280g for $1.80 lol..

I was reading in the afternoon and my mum asked me if i want to go NTUC with her. Usually we walked there, is like 30min walk from our house. She said she want exercise abit n nothing to buy lol..Is 1pm.. freaking hot walk.. She said nothing to buy but in the end we bought 5kg pack of rice, 3.5L of bleach, 2L olive oil, 2 bottles oyster sauce, kitchen rolls, n some food stuff.. Of cos Iam the 1 who carry the rice, olive oil n bleach, cant bear for her to carry.. Lucky I reached home safely with arms still intact..

At night, chat with a long lost fren, she's my ex collg much older. I told her Iam not good these days when she asked me "how are you?", immediately she asked me listen to this song - BAZ LUHRMANN - EVERBODY'S FREE (TO WEAR SUNSCREEN) listen to lyrics carefully. I heard this song b4 when it 1st came out, but I didnt really listen to lyrics cos the song is like a person talking. She told me she listen to this whenever she is sad. Now, I got what she's saying, the song is actually very meaningful. It speaks about life, teach you how to live your life better..

BAZ LUHRMANN - EVERBODY'S FREE (TO WEAR SUNSCREEN)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
Wear Sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future,
sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience
I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh nevermind,
you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself
and recall in a way you can’t grasp now, how much possibility lay before you
and how fabulous you really looked,
you are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts,
don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind,
the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults,
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life,
the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22
what they wanted to do with their lives,
some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t,
Maybe you’ll divorce at 40,
Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary
What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can, don’t be afraid of it,
or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurtin, but I've been waitin' to be there for you
And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings, they are the best link to your past
and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard,
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander,
you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young
prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
Maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia,
dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off,
painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen

Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurtin, but I've been waitin' to be there for you
And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can
Everybody's free oh yeah
Everybody's free oh yeah

13 Oct 2008

2008-10-14T01:19:00.006+08:00

13th Oct 2008

Today started quite bad.. Woke up at 10.30am, have the intention to go jogging, but right after I put on my sneakers, it started to rain, haiz.. So with my sneakers still on, I did the workouts at the living room instead. I did invisible skipping, invisible threadmil, half push ups, half sit ups, and some weight lifting.

While I was cooling down standing, I read last night chinese paper. Came across this article about this lady now age of 30 whom at 1 time take like 20 slimming pills a day to lose weight, too extreme.. She was chubby since young, at the age of 12 she started to diet excessively.. the weight went up n down.. out of balance.. then at the age of 23 she discovered that she had a hole in her intestine mainly due to the pills she is popping non stop.. too scary.. She did all this cos of her 11yrs long bf whom she met when she was working part time during vacation.. The guy is tall and handsome, an airline steward.. which makes her very inferior and insecure.. so whenever he went on long haul.. she will secretly go into extreme dieting.. though the guy did not mind her being fat at all nor did he request her to go to lose those fat..the love has conquered all..He love who she is..Now she lives a normal healthy diet..And they are getting marry next year..

After I read, I felt their love is so sweet and great.. It reminds me of my own.. Why it couldnt end this way too.. Why he couldnt treat me the same way too.. Tears just flowed down again.. My mum was there.. Frowning, she asked me y did I cry again.. Guilty.. I told her my eyes pain and quickly went for a shower..

In the afternoon, I met up with Bestie WY & D for movie at cineleisure. We have planned to watch Mama Mia!! last week. The show is 3pm and I reached just on the dot.. oops.. when we reached 9th floor and checked in, then we realised that the tix is for House Bunny.. That ticket guy's fault.. so we head back down 5th floor to change and by the time we reached 6th floor the show started le.. haiz miss abit beginning.. overall the show is good..like musical..

However.. there is this song in the movie hit me to the bones.. at that moment I want to just grab the person beside me.. I fight to hold back tears..This is the song..The Winner Takes It All by ABBA.. ABBA member Bjorn Ulvaeus wrote this after separating from wife and fellow band member, Agnetha. It's about a divorce where one person doesn't want to separate and clings desperately to the marriage.

This song speaks true to what I felt now..Read the lyrics..It speaks my heart..

Love is really like a game.. Either there is a winner or a loser.. The winner will takes it all.. But Iam thinking why love isnt a fair game?? It will only be fair when 2 are happily together.. When things get ugly n rough.. Then some1 will be the winner n the other will be the loser..

I hated the fact that Iam the loser.. I have played all my cards and more.. In what way did he deserved to win?? Maybe is bcos I have always let him had the upperhand in the game.. He has the control of the game.. Too kind to him..Too trusting to him.. My naive mistake..

Love can be a cruel game, do you dare to play?

The Winner Takes It All

I don't wanna talk
About things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser's standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
cause it makes me feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all

After the movie, we went to PS Cafe Cartel for dinner.. The ribs belong to Bestie WY and the others are chef salad =) After dinner, we hang around PS and went home at 10 plus..

Today, I do feel quite messed up at night..now..the emptiness that create the urge to reach out to run to..

6-12 October

2008-10-12T22:23:00.005+08:00

10th Oct 2008

Today was supposed to be the gathering of my tikam frens and Mr D will be there too. Cause he knows them too. I was kind of happy to see him and sad that this is the 1st time we appeared in front of them as no longer a couple. At first, is really awkward, I dont know how to behave in front of him. I tried to be normal, hide my disappointment and sadness. Do the usual stuff, all of us tikam, have dinner n have drinks at Carls Jr. My frens G & L came back from Japan, so they showed us the photos on their lappy, we talked n crap. Then is time to go home.

As usual, Mr D and I head the same direction home. We talked, and I have forgotten why suddenly is talked about he and that woman. The subject of the woman said if he no longer with her, she will stay single forever. And he promised her that he will be stay by her side forever. I was stunned and angry that why he make such a promise? so he is not concerned about his own future? The feelings were so strong that I cried. He told me he had broken his promise to me, and I have broken mine too so we are even. Is like what did I break? He couldnt answered but say there is. He said this time he will be true to his promise and wont hurt that woman. When Iam home, I rethink what has happened. I thought why do I still care about him?? He doesnt want to care about his future, why do I still care for him?? He said he wont hurt that woman, and what he did to me now is only hurt and more hurts, why do I still care for him?? Promises? Forever? In the past Mr D also said to me that he will love me and stay with me forever. So what happen now? Forever? Bullshit. There is no forever...not everything will goes as planned in life...you can only try to make it last as long as possible..

11th Oct 2008

Today I meet up with Bestie S. I went to her house 1st, cause she want to do some research on concealers, she wanted to buy a good concealer to cover her dark spots. Actually, she said laser is the best way to get rid of them, but is too expensive. Dark spots occurred becos of UV rays, so is best to always slap on some sunblock b4 going out. But for me is hopeless, cos I put swimming as part of my exercises regime, so is confirmed I will faced the UV rays. We then head to taka to try the concealers, we didnt expect so many people as there is additional 15% sale for taka card members, so that explains the huge overcrowding. She tried the YSL highligher which is highly raved by many, is really quite good, smooth glide on and conceal power not bad. Tried some other brands. Then saw la parier, I told her this is not bad as I have their foundation. She tried the concealer and taken by the conceal power as well. Is better than the YSL. But the card is with her sis so she can only buy the next day.

After Taka, we head to MS to collect her Potion number 9 from Chapter 2. Then dinner at Breeks, thought is cheaper alternative, we both ordered pasta. Haha but she complained is too soft. During dinner we chat abit. She said my face looked like the sky is gonna fall down soon. I told her think I cried too much previous night, so face is goner. After dinner, we went citylink shop for her working clothes. We then head back MS to shop awhile more.

After which, I suggest that we head over to Espanlade to chat more. Think is a Sat, so quite crowded. We sit by the sea to chat. Talked about my problems. When I told her how MR D mind that Iam too fat n ugly when we hold hands go out together when seen by others. Then S said, then MR D dun mind how others see him and his new beau? ppl confirm can see that they are ages apart, then like dat he dun mind la? Iam like wow ya hor y I didnt think of that... We talked about fate and destiny.. Y this thing happen to me.. Maybe is a sign something better coming.. We talked about y dont ever be the 3rd party, cause what goes around comes around, karma.. I listened to her stories as well cause her life is not that smooth sailing either. She told me everybody will have problems in life, is whether how u can see it positively so u can get over them easily. It started drizzle, we then head over to the bus stop to take bus home, lucky we are in the same direction.

We chat more on the way back.. She said she can see how unwillingly that Iam letting go, struggling to put everything back in shape if there is chance, cos Iam Lai Man.. She knows how in the past, I struggle to save the relationship time after time when it should have ended. But this time is really serious.. definitely Iam not at fault.. But S said this happen, is his fault, that woman fault and my fault.. I asked her what is my fault then? S said, 1) Iam too caring (bao rong) to him, like everything I will just take it for him even at times when he is over the board. 2) Iam too relying on him, I should have not pin all my hopes and dreams on him. In the end Iam the 1 who got disappointed and hurt. 3) Iam too attached to the r/s, I should have stop the r/s when it should have end long ago.

S also said that I shouldnt shut myself and gave up hope on love again. One day when a man truly loves you, much more than you do to him, naturally you will accept him slowly. She said when some1 loves you, you dont have to do much to get his love, he will comes to you.

Then she added that, if Iam not with Mr D, I will be quite "wild"? Haha I was like wat? S said I am some1 who like freedom, friends ask u go out, hardly reject type...hmm maybe..

12th Oct 2008

Today is family day. In the afternoon, I went to Chinatown with my mum to stock up toiletries and go Yue Hua and Sheng Xiong to stock up food products. Again, we struggle to get home with our loots. Too much to handle, lucky we got seats on the bus. On the way to Sheng Xiong, I saw Mr D's father at the coffee shop, I couldnt help but think of him abit.

When we are back, packed the stuff. I rest for awhile then take a shower cos of the hot weather. And I start my blogging then stop awhile for dinner then back typing =)

Early October

2008-10-12T21:35:00.007+08:00

My memory is quite short term.. so I couldnt remember all that I did during early October..I did quite alot of stuff to keep myself occupy so I wouldnt think too much that is hurtful..

I love to take photos.. These help with my short term memory =)

This is dinner at Cafe Iguana located @ Clark Quay, serves Mexican food and very nice Margarita. With Bestie D, earlier we have lunch at Taka Crystal Jade, forgotten to take photo >.<, we had porridge and dim sum. After Cafe Iguana, we went to Areana, ladies night for life band n free cosmo till quite late.

This is at Cafe KM8 @ Tanjong Beach @ Sentosa with Bestie B & QM. The babes wanted to suntan so I tag along =) We wanted to have lunch and chilled out, we ordered a bottle of Chardonnay and some finger food. We chat and be merry, suddenly a snake drop down from plum tree to my lap. I freaked out jumped and screamed. Besties thought Iam funny lol Just as we finished our lunch, it started to rain, so we head back to vivo city.

There is this day that I went NTUC alone and carry back $70 worth of stuff. You can just imagine a big shopping bag plus alot of hand-carry. I have a hard time getting on the bus n getting down, then my super long flight of stairs that lead to my block. [ I used to ask Mr D along for grocery shopping, a company seems more fun, thought he grumbled that i only asked him to come to carry things, this isnt all true ] Anyway, I wanted to cooked Japanese curry as dinner for my brother. Haha from the pic, it doesnt look good, but he said it taste right. Is quite hard for me, cause I was dieting, imagine cooking but you couldnt eat =.=

My frens G & L a couple went Japan not long ago, this is the souvenir they give me =) Yippie!! Minnie Mouse Choco from Disneyland and a small local melon steam cake.

This Pretz was found from Giant before I met them. Haha i thought is quite cool, never see b4 so I bought it. Is Corn Bacon Flavor. I have tried. Taste not bad, the biscuit is quite thick compare to Porky.

My New Life

2008-10-12T17:27:00.004+08:00

I have been through a major crisis in life recently - My relationship of 8 years has ended at end of September. My brand new life begins 1st of October - A life without him [Mr D]. I thought is time I start blogging again, to keep a record of my life, so that the future me can look back at the past, to excess if I have indeed have matured and become a much better person.

My relationship has ended just like any other would. Mr D has made a mistake any men in the world would - Cheated, Betrayal, 3rd party. The moment he bare his heart to me that he fall in love with another woman, I knew it was over. The hardest thing that I couldnt accept was, how can he just give up the 8 yrs relationship for a 34( 9 years older) woman whom he knew only for 2 months?

The reasons(excuses) from Mr D
1) Iam too fat; She is slim
2) Iam too tall; She is shorter
3) Iam not pretty; She is pretty
4) I dont have telepathy w him; She does
( I think is almost impossible for anybody in this world to read people's mind, but I thought if you dont know something about this person, isnt it right that you take the effort to inquire?)
5) I do not have chemistry w him; She does
( I really dont know what chemistry means, all I know is that it is like sparks when 2 person reacts? And I thought is just the very first moment when 2 person meet and being attracted. So 8 yrs ago I should have too, right?)
6) I do not understand him; She does
( Maybe I dont understand him 100%, but I learned them through the 8 years we share together. Mr D said if I love him I will know what he wants even he didnt say out, but if it is not share, how would I know? Guess?)
7) Iam stubborn; She's not
8) I dont always just say "Yes" to him; She does
( Mr D meant I should just trust whatever he said n do, and I need to do is just say "Yes" without any comments, opinions n objections)

So how it ended?
One fine Sat towards end of Sept, we went out dating n towards the end he confessed that he fall in love with another woman. That instant moment, my instinct told me is his boss whom he was working for nearly 2 months during his temp vacation job. Cause he has been mentioning her quite frequent. I cried my heart out and couldnt accept the fact. He told me he has been going out with her, hold her hands, kiss her, send flirty sms with her and all these while still being with me. He told me he couldnt keep in the dark anymore and have to tell me. Later, I realised that woman has a 3 yrs bf, and she still can do all these behind his back too.[ Bravo for them both ] 1 day I went to confront her, I wanted to know if she just want a fling or seriously want to be with Mr D [Y do I care so much?] All she told me was she likes Mr D and want to spend more time with him, and she need 2-3 months to break up with her current beau. Thank god she did not cos if not I will think her mind is malfunctioning to need that a long time to choose over 2 men. After a week or so, she broke up with her beau and be with Mr D. But the reason she tell her ex beau was their mismatch and can longer be together, she did not mention Mr D at all, cos she said she dont want to hurt his ex beau. I dont understand this, i thought after all a realationship should be honest and truthful whether it works out or not. Hence, out of all this 4 persons involvement, I am the only 1 who have to get over that my r/s is ruined cos of a 3rd party and this poor guy whom till now not know a thing. [ He is lucky not to know]

This the darkest time of my life, I think I have put in alot into this relationship. I have even put in hopes and future in this relationship, I really thought we will be married in 2-3 years time and be happy ever after with a family together. But all these just evaporated into thin air overnight, my heart shattered into million pieces and bleeds. I couldnt sleep[ I have even developed fear for night], couldnt eat, couldnt stop crying days after days. It was so bad that I feel like Iam dying slowly wishing who can hold out a hand to save me. Some days I need to get drunk so that I can sleep for more than 2 hrs daily. I keep thinking over and over again, why did this happened... why our 8 yrs relationship was so weak and shallow... after spending such a long time together.. suddenly I am no longer important to him, no longer loved by him, no longer the significant one... suddenly I am all alone, a life without him.. the lost.. the emptiness.. the betrayal..

I tried everything I can to save this r/s, hoping he realized it was a mistake and come back to me. This is the love I had for him, that I will forgive him if he still love me. I know this is silly, but this is what I will do. For him, I can give it all. Still, Iam no longer matters to him...

Mr D said this is what he truly wants, he wont care whether the new r/s will work out, he doesnt regret what he did, he wont care about anything as long as being with that woman.

What about me? Did he care about how I feel? What I went through? No... he didnt... all is about what he wants..what he feels..what he needs..

Yes, we had a lot of happy memories together, we went through thin and thick, up and downs, he had treat me dearly, showered me with love, care and concern...lots lots.. 8 yrs were long.. we grew up together..[ Will he remembered?] I thought I will be by his side... watch him become a better man when he step into the working society...This is no longer possible...

I think I have done enough for him for us.. If it still did not get to his heart.. nothing more can be done.. I have tried my best.. I have given it all... I have love..

From this.. I have learned that life is cruel..life isnt fair.. not everything will go as planned.. there is no happily ever after.. there is no forever..

However, I have also learned that I should be blessed that this happened now when Iam still young and not when Iam married or with any children.. when I still have time to try to love again.. when I still have time to amend and shape my future.. I should be blessed that Iam luckier than others who suffered worst than me..

Thank you to all my besties whom stood by me, giving me support, listening to my sorrows, giving me tissues. I love you guys, without you all, I dont know how am I going to go through this alone...

I hope time will heal my wounds.. wash away the pain.. makes me a stronger independent person.. makes me a more mature better person..