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Me Myself & I


Name: Lai Man - Liwen - Emily.
B-day: 28/5
Horoscope: Gemini
Hobbies: Watch Anime(all kinds), Drama(all kinds) & Movies(anything except horror), Read Manga(romance), Novels(all kinds) & Fashion Magazines, Music [Hip Hop, R&B, Pop, Jazz], Sports [Swim, Jog, Badminton, Tennis], ♥ Baking & Cook, ♥ Cosmetics, ♥ Shopping
Likes: Have coffee at cafe, Chill out with red wines or any alcohol, Clubbing, Chat with frens, Take Photos


New Year Resolutions 2009


1) Want to lose 10kg .
2) Work hard, at least able to get through this downturn .
3) Save up more money, able to go travel .
4) Continue my E-biz and sell away all the stuff .
5) Continue my blog regularly .
6) Know more people .
7) Able to play more on piano .
8) Able to "Save myself" "Let go" "Say Goodbye" .
9) Do my facebook .

Wishlist


1) Iphone .
2) Ipod .
3) Levis Lady Style Jeans (need lose some more weight) .
4) Coach Wallet/Bag .
5) White crystal headphones .

Current Enjoyments


1) Reading "Twilight" by Stephenie Meyer and others .
2) Watching some old dramas .
3) Watching Skip Beat .

Nice Quotes


.

My Life


.My New Life
.Some Stuff He Said B4
.It's Over
.The Last Card
.Pic is Clearer
.Dont ever hurt me again

My Links


.My Old Blog

My Friends


Doris: Doris Worldz
Gabriel: Memories of Gabe
Shili: What's on her mind?
Ida: Mrs Yeo
Brenda: Dancing Queen
Yeow Tuck: Dar Ge
Kit: Princess Kit's fairy tale

Memories


October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009

Clock / Calendar



Photobucket

Tagboard



Music


LaiMan Playlist 1

Credits


Designer: Agnes
Base Code: Tammy
Image: Enakei
Image Host: Tinypic & Photobucket


Thursday, October 30, 2008

My Beautiful Life ♥

30th Oct 2008

Woke up around 2pm.. think iam fully taking advantage of sleeping till afternoon b4 I start working next week.. went online in the afternoon.. kinda excited meeting Fren A later at cityhall at night.. it's been long since I last saw her..

Iam so glad to see her.. we went marketplace to get drinks b4 heading to espanlade to chat.. 2 heart broken gals comforting each other.. sidetrack.. there is a pair of les sitting right in front us, hugging and kissing.. gross.. and the 2 of them looks girly..

We both shared our hurts.. She shared with me how she has healed him from his last relationship. The guy was being dumped previously and still could not get over the gal even when he is with my fren. He has hurt himself, try to suicide.. my fren is there for him.. When he start going out with my fren, he still keep that gal photo in his wallet for a year, when my fren found out, she still forgive him graciously. Slowly, my fren healed him and help him back on track.. When he busy at work, my fren even help him out doing secretary stuff..

All through 8 yrs, my fren have done so much too.. My fren said their breaking might be bcos the guy wants to concentrate on his career, and he is not willing to give her the attention and need in a r/s.. b4 he met with the PRC he is very cold to my fren too.. no calls no sms.. Iam wondering just how hard does it take to reply a sms or a short call?

Yet he can meet the PRC and choose to be with her.. Why? My fren say if she is the one who went to look for the bf at his office at Tuas, things wouldnt be like that.. cos maybe the PRC was there to probably to empathise and comfort him for working hard at office.. I think it didnt justify the situation at all.. I feel so unfair for her.. WTH.. she is there all along for the bf.. when he say he is busy cant meet her.. she take it and wait for him to be free then.. she is there all along waiting for him..

Once I thought if I didnt went for that holiday, things wont happen.. Iam wrong.. If he wants to do that, nobody can stop him.. If not of this woman, another woman can make him to do that too.. So afterall is his fault..

My fren say maybe the PRC didnt demand anything from him.. the attention the care.. thats y he prefer to be with her.. My fren still so kind help him look for excuse.. When in a r/s who doesnt need the attention, the care, the love from the other? And the guy didnt even settle the problem with my fren, when she caught them at the chalet where she is doing her co's event.. If she never saw them, how long will she be kept in the dark? She told me she heard the PRC calling him "lao gong".. my heart went to her.. I know how it feels.. When I know tt woman sent Mr D flirty sms, called Mr D "baby", when I know they went out behind my back, hold hands, kiss and more stuff.. I think I almost died, cos my heart stop beating when I know of this..

In the end, we still cant figure out how can they give up the 8 yrs r/s so easily, and treat us like nothing anymore.. and we both felt the Bu Gan Yuan.. Done so much, yet like "toys being snatched away"..

I feel so sad and heartpain for her.. cos I see myself in her.. we face similar situations.. the pain she is going through.. I wanted to be by her side, help her get through this phase.. is not easy to do this alone.. I knew..

My fren told me that she is afraid to fall in love and got hurt again.. Second time got hurt will be worse when you give equally as much as the 1st time.. But I told her, as for me, if the second time I got hurt again, I think I can take it easier since the 1st time already like hell, nothing can be worse =) And I will give equally as much for the 2nd time too.. since I want to marry and have kids young.. I wont give up this dream.. so I will still believe in love..

I hope my fren will believe in love again.. a better guy will surely comes to her and treasure and love her.. I think god is fair to everyone..

This is a gift from her... so sweet of her..



Kawaii~~ so colorful





The 1 on the left is a meaningful gift.. is a small torch.. it reads "Dark clouds never stay still in a single spot"

The 1 on the right is so sweet.. one of my fav disney characters.. Chip n Dale!! Is a 2009 organiser that comes with stickers all those stuff.. Kawaii!! This what my fren wrote "Now that you have found a job, this will mark the beginning of a new phase of your life. I hope you'll be able to record your first date with the next guy you meet, your anniversary with your new BF, how much kg you've lost every week, every month, & the achievement of your every goal."

Hey gal really thanks for the gifts, I Luv them!! Iam really glad that you found me again and Iam able to help you!! Dont feel bad and sorry that by helping you, I will get sad by digging my wounds again.. No!!! Talking about it again and again helps me to grow and move on, and I cant run away from this forever.. It has happened and I can only deal with it =)



My World My Life

5:16 PM




Wednesday, October 29, 2008

My Beautiful Life ♥

The picture is clearer

After so long, talking to many Besties n talking to Fren A.. I think I have a clearer picture and mind now..

I realised that the whole episode thing is not my fault.. I shouldnt blame myself and help him find anymore excuses for this failed r/s..

He is the one who cant resist the temptation outside and cheated behind my back and leave this r/s.. He is the one who put down this 8 yrs r/s.. He is the 1 being superficial, who told me looks is very important to him, it completes the whole package..Superficial.. My ex tutor told me, man who are superficial are pigs.. This I love you 99% but I cant get over that 1% thing is total crap..

Yes, he is the one who has always take good care of me physically and daily things.. but I think I have done my part too..

I have been waiting for him.. I have wait for him to get through NS faithfully, giving him care and love when I know he is struggling to get by.. I still want to wait for him, when he told me he want to study Uni too.. I respect his decision though I thought it might be better for him to work 1st cos after all he is a guy, to gain work experience and maybe next time study part time if needed since he already lost 2 yrs in NS.. But I still wait for him.. Thinking I graduate 1st, work 1st to save money to get marry.. I have been waiting for him all along.. even when he has nothing to offer me.. Iam willing to wait for him to build a future together.. I dont need a nice house or a car.. I only want a decent place to stay with him.. All this while I have been waiting.. waiting for him to grow up and be a good man..

And now he say leave then leave.. Dont care about his future and can even dont study the last year of Uni just to be with that woman..

Iam the one who always help him through.. when he say dont know this dont know that.. Iam the one who bother and go look up the stuff then tell him.. when I started my toy blog, Iam not familiar with the html thing, asked him since he has a Info system Dip.. in the end Iam the 1 end up doing all the stuff.. When he was younger he has low confidence about himself.. Iam the 1 who always praise him and encourage him to do things and not to be scared failing.. Iam the 1 who always put my absolute trust and believe in him, so to let him gain more confidence..

Before breaking up.. He once commented that I didnt give him much stuff except the Swatch watch he remembered quite clearly.. He is not some1 who like to shop, especially buying his own things.. So I took this up for him.. I wanted to tell him "open up ya wardrobe and see for yourself", I still remember the last I help him buy is a Topman Shirt and a tie for my Fren G's wedding.. When he said he wanted a crumpler, I bought him something similar cos quite broke to afford crumpler.. When he said he wanted a bigger bag for JB trip, I bought him something when I last went to HK.. I know he is a tee, berm, slipper person.. bought him a pair of Havaianas, cos more comfortable for walking.. I take note when he comment he need or want something cos I know he wont get it himself.. Whenever I do shopping, he is on my mind.. Will automatically look for guy stuff too.. It has becomes a habit.. Even now.. When I realised it, my excuse will become is for my brother.. How pathetic.. But in the end he told me all these stuff dont get into his heart.. He didnt say he want it or need it.. I knew him too well, he will say these stuff...

Whenever we fight or quarrel, Iam always the one who give in first, apologised.. Cos I dont want it to hurt the r/s.. He has the stubborn n ego.. There are only 2 times throughout the 8yrs that I ever slapped him. 1st time, happened when he went too much in the fight, he told me if I want to talk to him, he will only hear when I go to his house to talk.. I was so angry I slapped him once I get into his house. 2nd time, the sat date he told me about the cheating and the woman.. I felt so much anger and hurt that I gave him a tight slap..

When this episode happen, I still stood by his side till the very end.. A part of me wanted him to see the light and comes back to me, another part of me I want to see all these to the end.. After he hurt me so, of all the things he did, I still care for him.. Scare the woman is 2 timing him, just treat me as a companion/ toy boy.. Worried he has no friends since he is always living in his own world.. Worried about his future since he said he can dont care about the future for that woman.. Worried that with his those characteristics will he make it in the future.. Worried if he is able to take care his family and his aging grandma, give them a better life.. Worried if he can pass his last year of Uni.. Endlessly worry for him.. it just comes naturally..

Sadly, after all these.. He didnt see it, didnt see me.. He gave his love to some1 else and left me.. Sometimes I wonder do I still have that tiny space in his heart? Or he has totally forgotten me? After all is 8 yrs.. I know that I shouldnt count the period.. Some ppl can just date for 1 year n blissfully married.. Bottom line is the love b/w 2 persons that make things work.. The 8 yrs have become a pity, a shame..

I have a clearer pic now.. 8 yrs I have spent with him, giving my best, waiting n trying to build a future, after all I have done and tried and I still lose it all.. is enough.. I give up.. I shouldnt dwell on this anymore.. I shouldnt still have the slightest thoughts being with him, he gave this 8 yrs up, dont see a future of himself, has nothing to offer me... I shouldnt still dwell and willingly sink with him..

Iam still young - 23, still have a bright future if I shape it properly, still have alot of things waiting for me to do.. I can still build my dreams without him.. I wont give up the thought of marrying young and have kids of my own.. I want to have a career and earn as much as possible when Iam still young and able to.. I want to provide my parents a better retirement since they have been working so hard for my brother and me.. I want to bring my mum to travel, to visit as many places as possible, she has been backpacking before she have me at 28.. I think I got her love of travel too..

We only live once in a life time.. I want to live.. Iam going to treasure and enjoy every moment of the rest of my life.. We never know when it is going to end and time wait for no one.. I will treasure my family, they will be with me forever(I dare say forever in this)I will treasure my friends, they are the ones who stood by me in the ups and downs of my life, never left me. I hope we can be friends forever, I hope I can be a tiny part of your life too..(I dare say forever in this too).. This episode really thought me to treasure.. Even the closest thing you have can be lost through time.. I know nothing is forever.. Only treasure..

He once told me if he didnt do this, he will regret for life.. and thats no turning back for him now.. I hope I can be his regret for life then.. at least he will remembered me for life.. Once he told me that he was not happy being with me all along.. Now, I hope tt woman can love him more than I do, can care for him more than I do..take care of him...

They say the amount of love you have = amount of hurt you will feel.. The love must be alot then, cos the hurt seems never ending.. killing me softly.. I really wish all the happy memories with him can overwrite the hurts.. but is not working.. too painful..

I still want to live, want to move on... Iam not "a small gal"..

Something I wanted to say to him.."Live, grow up, be a better man, proves to me that I didnt make the wrong choice of choosing you!!"..



My World My Life

11:11 PM






My Beautiful Life ♥

29th Oct 2008

I got a call from the Co's HR at 9ish.. Ask me to look through the proposal she sent vis email, if Iam ok with it, I can go down to sign the contract.. Everything is fine so I told her Iam going down...So is Bestie WY.. We both agree that we dont see a future doing this but look at it as a stepping stone..

I met her around noon time at her place there, cos we need to take IC photos.. I reached 1st and settle mine, and go buy bubble tea while waiting for her to come down.. When we settle, only left half an hr to reach, so we took a cab down.. She went into the office first then my turn.. After we settle everything, we head back to toa payoh central.. I need plasters..darn the heels.. then we head to orchard to settle our medical check-up at the Co's doctor.. I didnt know there is xray too..

After check-up, we went window shop around orchard.. know there is topshop sale.. so see got anything to wear to work.. after that feeling hungry.. we went to shaw tower to have our dinner.. KFC buddy meal sitting in front of the big TV.. cool right.. we eat and chat..

After dinner, we went window shop around more, then we decide to settle at Borders BK to sit and just chat.. Yea we just sit outside the chairs there without ordering anything.. We head home around 9 plus.. Tired..

Iam glad I have known Bestie WY.. I think we knew each other for like 14 yrs.. I cant imagine life without her too..



My World My Life

11:11 PM




Tuesday, October 28, 2008

My Beautiful Life ♥

27th Oct 2008

Its a public holiday today.. My whole family is at home.. I have no programmes so stay at home too.. The afternoon msn with my Fren A.. We chat and comfort each other.. Cos coincidentally she also broke up with her bf of 8 yrs last sat.. I think is fate.. We have sort of didnt contact much ever since my year 2 in SIM.. But she found me again..

Fren A has been with her bf of 8 yrs too..and they plan to ROM next year.. But on last sat, she saw him walking down the street with another woman.. Tt woman is a PRC who hook up on him after asking for directions on the street b4.. The moment I heard this.. I feel like crying for my Fren A.. Why does this happen to her too? Why she have to go through this too? She is such an angel..

What is that guy thinking? Where did his brain gone to? 8 yrs le.. He wants to leave then leave when another woman comes along.. He didnt even tell my fren until she saw them herself..It really pissed me off when I hear this.. Cos is just like what MR D did.. He too say that PRC understand him more than my fren.. Bullshit.. How much can she understand within such a short while? Maybe she did something or say something that is pleasing to him and touch his heart that moment.. "Understand him more".. Iam so tired of hearing this.. Is just an excuse.. When u want to be out of the game.. u can give so many excuses and push the blame to other for the break up.. Trying to reassure yourself that what you doing is right? Or want to make yourself feel better?

Why He and Mr D are the same kind of species.. Coward - cannot settle things properly, choose the easy way out only.. Selfish - only think for themselves, never think for the other.. Moral values - where r the moral values? cheating n 3rd party is not right.. Does the 8 years of r/s meant nothing to you? Where is the love, memories and promises? I know both of them will not see all these anymore..

Iam really sad to hear this from her.. I know how much does it hurt.. I went through hell.. My heart feels for her.. Why she have to go through this too..


28th Oct 2008

I met Bestie D for movie in the afternoon.. She wanted to watch Love Exposure.. Seems interesting so I went with her.. Anyway I have the 1 for 1..



The movie is about affairs and betrayal.. There are 2 beautiful best friends. 1 is single but has an affair with a handsome married co-worker, the other is married to a average joe but the husband has an affair with his co-worker too.. The single woman thought is alright to have an affair since she dont have much feeling for him, wanting a companion during lonely nights.. but guilt seems to creep in when she met the guy's wife and her superior blame her for intruding the guy's r/s.. The married woman at first take the situation lightly as she thought her husband is popular so alot of gals will attract to him and seduce him.. but the truth is otherwise.. the gal tell her is the husband who went after her.. this really upset her and she went for divorce.. She is so upset that she had a argument with the best friend.. She tell her what she's doing is wrong and deem her as home-wrecker.. "Do you think the guy will divorce his wife for you?" "Get a life".. After the divorce, we see how the once rich tai tai trying to get a life and look for a job(is quite funny), but in her heart she still love and miss her husband.. Though the husband is not good looking, got pot belly, but he treats her well and showers her with love.. The ending is as predicted, the married couple is back together and have a child.. while the single woman left the affair and get on with her life..

My conclusion is.. never be the 3rd party.. put yourself in the gf/wife shoes.. if you are them, do you want this happen to you? Never do something to others which you dont want it to happen to yourself too.. For me.. no matter how much I like the guy, if I know he is attached.. I will reject him.. This thinking is even stronger after what I have went through..

After the movie, we went to Coffee Club to eat and chat.. I had the shepherd's pie(1st pic).. Bestie D has the bake rice(2nd pic).. The shepherd's pie is darn filling.. worth the price..







After dinner, we went walk walk awhile to digest the food.. cos Iam meeting Bestie S n Bestie F later at Cityhall last time b4 Bestie F goes back to LA.. We went to eat at Asian Kitchen.. Iam still full from last meal, so i just order the xiao long bao to share with them.. We talk and eat.. Then we head to Gelare for dessert.. Yea half price waffle day.. But even half price le I find it exp.. Who will eat it paying full price then? We talk alot.. then we realised wow time really fly.. we have known each other for 10 years le.. So old liao sad.. We then said we should have this anniversary thing for our friendship.. the next 10 years.. we might have kids tugging along.. we never knew what happen 10 years later.. I might not even be around, they both say choi dun say like this.. Haha but life is like this, thats why we treasure things ah..

Here are some photos.. Darn my red eye n swollen too.. Dunno y like this..












My World My Life

1:01 PM




Sunday, October 26, 2008

My Beautiful Life ♥

26th Oct 2008

Woke up to do some work outs before had my brunch.. Kinda excited cos Iam gonna meet Bestie F who have come back for a holiday from US, it has been a year I guess!! Iam going to meet her later at night. We have been Bestie since secondary time.. wow tts long..

Iam gonna make her sushi and pass too her later. She said she love my sushi since I made for her long ago back in secondary school. As I cooked the rice, I realised the rice texture is kinda bad. Sad.. I thought I will make it good.. Darn the rice if not is perfect.. Haha I know it didnt look appealing, but it taste good.



I met her at Kino around 8.30pm cos I need to pick up my comic and is 20% today wohoooo!! Later, we head to Mos Burger for her dinner.. We chat while she eat.. Bestie F update me about her life at US, it wasnt easy for her, she work hard for her job.. At the peak busy time with all the OT, is really killing her to work 60-70 hours per work, poor thing..but of cos her pay check will justify her hard work, 2 weeks paycheck is around USD4000 so do your math for her annual paycheck lol.. super envy.. I know she work really hard at these while for her future in order to become what she is today. She is really interdepent now, I hope I can be like her too lol.. We talked about my failed relationship.. 1 pt she became agitated and said if she meet him, she will bombard him with all the qns he thought he is right..

She told me a successful and good man is to able to take care and provide for himself, his family and the woman. In reality, everything needs money. So you have to plan your future, your career seriously. It takes years to build your life, but it only take seconds to ruin your life. If you cant even take care of yourself, how do you take care of others. Bestie said this is what she told her younger brother, and he has become much matured now. Come to think of it, my younger brother has the same values too, he has worked hard since young too, he knows his path and his future very well. Seems my brother is even more dependent than Mr D. I told Bestie that he once said that for her, he can dont care about the future, he can be so desperate with her that he can give up his last year at Uni if not of his parents money. I was deeply disappointed by what he said b4, she found it unbelievable too. She said he treat "Ai Qing Dan Fan Qi", and I surely deserves someone better.

Later on, Bestie S joined us later after her family dinner, we went shaw Mcafe there to drink and continue to chat till 12am. We talked alot.. Bestie F talked about her church friend's wedding at US recently.. Her friends married after 2 year r/s.. The guy is a pastor, so I think they do have stronger perspectives.. They didnt hold hands when dating outside, their first kiss is after the marriage vow.. They believe that they are still learning about each other daily.. Though Iam not a christian, but I find their's is so beautiful and pure.. Seems u can hardly find it in today's world.. where people are much selfish and self-centered, moral values are more distorted..

This is the Pressie from Bestie F.. Yea BCBG so cool..






My World My Life

1:43 PM






My Beautiful Life ♥

Last Card from Him

I found this when I was doing some packing.. I think this is his DIY card this Valentine or last Valentine.. I read again and I cry..





"To: Dear Dear

Sorry for the last minute work and messy words. Just want to say Thank You!! for bearing and being with me for all these years, I know that I haven't been a good boy and a good boyfriend to you, always bullying and making fun of you (but thats the way that I show how much that I love you. I may have a fiery temper and can be nasty at times but (you always also sometimes return them to me) so we are even ok?

I hope that you understand that both of us have changed in terms of appearances and characters throughout the years that we had been together. 7 years is defintely a long time and I always like to thank you for being there for me during the ups and downs of my life. I know I always wanted you to change (loss weight etc) but those thoughts had become stagnant. If I love you, I should love all of you. Thats why I have decided to just put away your shortcomings and live with your good ones. I promise you that I will change but it takes time but I know that you will defintely wait for me coz you love me the best. Hope that we can stay together forever and ever happy as always and step onto the red carpet of the church together.

Forgive and Forget all my points of badness, Love and Cherish all my points of goodness and I will do the same in return to you. I may not be the best but I try to be the best in your heart.

Love you always,
Desmond (aka black pig)"



I cry because I felt the love from him once there and then.. I cry because I had believed what he have said and promised.. I cry... In the end.. I knew all these are true from him once.. but now all these have become beautiful lies.. all these have become piercing hurt..



My World My Life

1:42 PM






My Beautiful Life ♥

25th Oct 2008

I woke up around 11 plus.. Did my morning work outs slowly while watching MTV.. By the time I finished was 12 plus.. Start preparing brunch, cook scrumble eggs and finsh the last batch of chicken fillets.. Wanted to wake my bro up for lunch, by he woke up himself while I cooking half way.. He didnt mind eating the same stuff again.. I thought he didnt mind cos he only eat, no need to cook or wash, bleh...

After all the washing and cleaning, I spent the afternoon watching TV and anime. Time flies, my mum came back at 5pm. Dunno what to eat for dinner, we decided to get pizza hut for dinner. 2 for 19.90, not a bad deal. I know I cant eat Carbo, but I thought give it a rest day, Iam going to make it up tomolo. Nowadays, I will count what I put in my mouth. It has become a habit. If a day I eat more than I should, then I will make it up for the next few days.

At night, I cant help but my mind wonders again. I keep thinking of what Mr D said b4, he said that if next time in future if he ever to break up with his current gf, he might not tell me about it. Iam wondering, Why not? Not even as being ya friend? He said is because he think that if I know about the break-up I will try to get back with him. And his gf think this way too.

I really laugh out loud, almost choke on my vodka. My mum think I went crazy again. Haha who do they think they are? Seems like they think Iam a still a love-sick fool or idiot. Actually, all my close friends and besties have also asked me, "Seriously, will you?", "If he comes back to you, you will want to get back too right?", "You are still waiting for him, arent you?". Is mainly, because what I have done in the past that friends and besties knows that "Cos you are laiman"...

In the past, Iam always the 1st 1 who will put down, give in and run to him whenever we fight till on verge of breaking. Call him to apologise n try to solve problem, but he delibrately not picking up or switch off his phone.. Waiting outside his house at 6am to apologise and try to talk to him again.. Again and again..

Back to the I-will-try-to-get-back-with-him thing. Mr D and his gf think this way, maybe cos b4 when things are over, they saw me doing lots of stuff to try to get him back. My Love for him was once pure, sincere and strong, that is the reason I keep doing my best, trying and trying till the end. But in the end, he chose to left me and give up on our r/s.

The moment he give up on me, it's over. I still have my pride and love myself. No doubt, there are still some feelings for him now. But afterall the hurt he gave me, turn my life upside down, how can I want to get back to him? I will be doing myself injustice. The moment he severe the ties, nothing is left of us. He gave up on me, why should I still chase after him?

If anything happens, if he still have feelings for me, isnt he should be the 1 trying to get back to me? So my point is. Dont be stupid, I will stand my ground and wont move a step towards him. I have done enough, if there is anything, is his turn to work. Even if there is any feeling left in me, I wont move s step. Whats mine will be mine. If there is still love from him to me, he will comes to me. If not, then I will just wait for the right one to come to me. I will not chase after him again..

The him I loved the most is the him 8 yrs ago. When he is kind, caring, innocent, selfless..When Iam his world, everything and him to me.. If he can change back to this him, he will be worthy again..

Ok enough of my grumbling.. The vodka works some how..



My World My Life

10:53 AM




Friday, October 24, 2008

My Beautiful Life ♥

22nd Oct 2008

I woke up by Bestie WY's sms of asking me to call her. I thought something happen to her or wat. I quickly called her, then realised is just that she went for an interview, runs quite smoothly, the person in charge seems nice too, and Bestie told me to send my resume too as the Co. like urgent in need of staff. So I just try, thinking if I got it, might not be so bad since got Bestie WY with me. I send in my resume, and start doing my morning mild work outs. Have my brunch of scramble eggs n chicken fillet again.. kinda sick of it.. After brunch online awhile to watch my snime and I got a call around 1.30pm from the co. to go for a interview at 4pm. I start preparing around 2pm but have a hard time finding formal wear for the interview. I drag till 3 plus then decided to take a cab to the office at Toa Payoh. As usual all taxi uncles love to talk to me lol.. Is kinda dangerous, that the uncle too oblivious in talking than driving.. there is a moment the cab nearly knock to a lorry at the next lane in the CTE, I didnt wear the seat belt(lazy) and almost thrown forward.. scary..Lucky I manage to make it 1 pc to the office at 4pm.. It is a newly office, the co just shifted here from JE and still renovating, so I had hard time finding the person in charge..

The interview went well.. I think she got the "hire me" in mind already..as she told me she hope I can start and help her asap. Iam so happy, finally I have work. Have $ for Christmas and New Year lol..At least the pay is decent enough for the economy now..

As expected, Toa Payoh Hub there is darn crowded..Buy some food stuff for my famiy b4 I went home.. I took 65 from Orchard.. Alot ppl too.. I waited so long, so heartpain that my transfer price will be gone, but yeah I make it..

23rd Oct 2008

Today Iam suppose to have a date with Bestie WY and Bestie D for a movie at 3pm. But just as well my bro and mum dont have to work. My bro said he gonna treat us lunch at Vivo, how can I say No? Kim Gary, their favourite.. I thought Besties will also dress mei mei, in the end iam the only 1 who wore mei mei(i thought I dress mei mei okay).. I so scare Zhou Geng with heels since iam quite clumsy.. Who cares I wanna feel better..
So after a very full lunch at Vivo, I hang around with my bro and mum till 2.30pm then head to cineleisure.. The show 3.15pm starts I barely reached there 3.20pm but started le.. darn where are the adverts..so miss abit front.. Gomenasai Besties..

Anyway is a crap show..Burn after Reading.. only go there watch Brad Pitt.. After the show we head to cityhall raffles city to suntec city, cos Bestie WY wanna get a jacket for her bf.. sweet ya.. Anyway we stop at New York New York for dinner.. The toopid young waiter really piss me off.. We will browsing the menu outside the restaurant b4 go in. When we just get seated, he came and asked us if can take order le.. I kindly replied that we still want to take a look, he replied "I thought you guys already take a look outside just now", I then said " I want take a closer look at the menu again", and he said "What is there to see? Is only food.." Okay I gonna lose my cool le, Bestie WY too.. Bestie D say he is just trying to be friendly n funny.. Nice try dude.. You nearly make me want to leave that place..

After dinner, we continue to Suntec to look for Jackets.. Bestie D bought a cute pink kid's Gap jacket for $35 only.. cheap.. is kid's XXXL so adult can wears too.. Bestie WY bought the nike jacket from the nike shop..After shopping we stayed and chat till 10 plus b4 heading home..It is raining, Bestie D took cab home.. while me and Best WY walked to Espanalde to take bus home as we dont have umbrellas.. the only way not to get wet..On the way we took some cool pics too lol..

When I reached home, my feet is killing me, the heels are too much, I got lotsa blisters after whole day of walking.. Ouch..













24th Oct 2008

This morning I woke up with really bad backaches, nearly cant go toilet(my home is old squat type), trying to fix my back, keep twisting and turning, but it still hurts. Have my brunch, and went online to update my blog. Being slacking for the past days to do updates on my blog. Evening time, went vivo to meet my tikam frens. Have dinner, and then settle for drinks and play Rubrick. Yea been hook to Rubrick ever since I know how to play. Always fun n laughter with them. When Iam home, my dearest bro told me he saw me at Carl Jr, wanted to share his meal with me as he cant finish all, but he saw me with too many ppl, too shy to come to me, sweet.

Back home, Iam organizing some of my thoughts when msn-ing with Bestie D and Uncle Gabe. Thank you for hearing me grumbles again. I asked Uncle Gab what he think of submissive gals in a r/s? are they better? He told me there are dominating n submissive ppl in a r/s, cant comment much about them, but he surely is quarrel type, I knew it lol.. Trying to comfort me, he told me maybe being submissive is not that good in the end, cos no 1 can always give in, maybe there will be a time of big fight.

I knew I will never be the submissive type in a r/s, cos I believe a r/s should be both contributing, not a 1 man show. I think I wont be able to tolerate when the guy want to control me, like control what u should do, shouldnt do, what should u wear, who u should hang out with, where u go and etc. Iam not sure if this is control, or caring? But I knew I am not this type of gal. I want to be independent in life and independent in a r/s.

In a r/s, I will like the guy to give me freedom to do what I want, cos it shows that he trust me n believe in me. The more freedom he give me, the more I will automatically want to stick and glue to him and treasure him and the relationship, to me, this is trust and love for each other. E.g, after a night out with the gals, the words I wanna hear from him will be, "Did you have fun Baby?" and not, "Why you havent get home yet? Do you know what time is it now?" And for the things I done, I wanna hear the praise to acknowledge my effort..give me a hug and said "Thank you, You have work hard"..Telling me "You look nice today" when I take effort to doll up.. This is a real charming mature man to me =)

Bestie D was telling me "i guess in today's world..nothing is absolute right and wrong when it come to love..it juz depend on individual moral values..and the angle of seeing the issue.." You might see that is wrong that she came between the r/s when she is still attached, but she might not see is wrong.. own individual moral values.. You might see that is wrong that he cheats on you n end the r/s faster than a bullet train, but he might not see is wrong.. own individual moral values.. If the love can withstand the test, none of these will happen.. Hence the love once was shallow.. so shallow..



My World My Life

4:34 PM




Tuesday, October 21, 2008

My Beautiful Life ♥

21st Oct 2008

Woke up, with my back still aches, managed to do some mild work outs. Shower and had my brunch of scramble eggs with chicken fillet. Then I spent the whole afternoon to pack my toys, note down inventory and taking photos. Is even more tring when I could hardly bend lol. Evening, I just had an apple for dinner, not really hungry. Watch the 7pm channel 8 show, kinda hook on it. Then I continue to play my bro's Rubrick while watching TV. Too tried and went to sleep early again.

I found this song very meaningful too...

 蔡健雅 - 思念。

       作詞:蔡健雅 作曲:蔡健雅


       堆積所有對你的思念
       把思念推進個黑暗的房間
       房間就在廚房的後面
       你仍會發現

       菸不離手把自己灌醉
       醉醒過後笑自己有多狼狽
       泡的咖啡有苦的滋味
       我睜開了眼
       忘記你是誰

       讓風箏自由乾脆剪斷了線
       讓它往藍天空隨風而飛
       越飛越高直到看不見
       像電影裡的畫面

       這樣也許能讓我好過一些
       把你當做風箏隨風而飛
       越飛越高直到無所謂
       我剪斷了線
       不再對你懷念

       要風箏自由乾脆剪斷了線
       讓它往藍天空隨風而飛
       越飛越高直到看不見
       像電影裡的畫面

       這樣也許能讓我好過一些
       把你當做風箏隨風而飛
       飛到哪裡我無所謂
       我剪斷了線
       不再對你懷念

       愛
       總是讓人心碎
       讓我無法入睡
       我又忍不住走進了房間
       我閉上了眼
       又被思念包圍

       又被思念包圍



My World My Life

6:38 PM




Monday, October 20, 2008

My Beautiful Life ♥

It's Over

Things I loved about him

- He can take care of me
From small to big things, he can really take good care of me. He never reject me whenever I need help. His caring never ends I guess

- He dotes on me
He is not stingy about buying me gifts, treating me to meals, movies even shopping. This is something that bothers me, he seldom buy things for himself, he says he dont need them. So whenever he needs something or want something, I will go get for him, I thought he will be happy. Yet, he told me he dont need them, the gifts wont touch his heart

- He makes me feel secure
I have never feel more safe with him than anyone else, even my family. I thought he will always be there for me whenever Iam in trouble. I felt safe in his arms

- He is honest and truthful
His honesty and truthfulness makes me trust him wholeheartedly. He will never keep anything from me. I never doubt his words. He is truthful to me to the very end

- He makes me laugh
He is a pure entertainer, with him, there are always alot of laughter

- He sings for me
Music is a big part of his life. Singing is his greatest forte. Singing is his love. Whenever he sings to me, I feel special and important

- His Hands
He got big and soft hands, makes me feel peaceful and clam when pressed against my cheeks.

- His Eyes
He got long and lush eyelashes that matches his eyes. Iam always jealous of this. Thats why I loved to hold his face in my hands and just gaze at him.

- His Shoulders
Maybe cos he is slightly taller, my head fits nicely on his shoulders without tip toe or whatsoever.

The amount of Love for him

They always said Love cant be measured...And we always wondered how much Love is there.. Maybe the amount of things you can do for that some1 can act as a measurement of Love..

Over the 8yrs I have put in so much Love that I didnt even realised it. For him, the extend of love seems infinite, seems I can do anything for him. The things he said, I always try my best to do them. I rarely reject him unless it is really not within my means given that period. I realised, for him, if he is in danger which needs my blood or any of my possible organs to save him, I will save him but I still want to stay alive, cos I want to stay alive and continue living with him. Will I die for him? If Iam dead and he lives, I rather we both die together, so that we are still together. I wont mind to die with him, if I know Iam the only love for him, the one and only one. Hence this is the amount of love I have for him.

Last Chapter

Thanks for the 8 yrs together. I thank you fate that brought us once together, out of so many people in the world, is really not easy. Thanks for the happy memories, we have many happy times together. Thanks for loving me before, no matter how small it has become. Thanks for being important in your life b4, and you to me.

Iam glad at least I have loved and being loved b4. I have never regret being together with you, nobody expected this too. The things you did, the hurt you gave me, maybe even you died a hundred times will never make it up to me, but I never hate you and I didnt want to cos hate will only bring more hurt. I hope all the happy memories we had can overcome and erase the hurt in me. 我不想忘記你, 我不想討厭你, 或許不能夠擁有你, 但你的好我還記得, 曾經擁有過你, 是不是, 就該滿足了?

I have always work hard, chasing after you from behind, trying my best to be on par with you. Even you rejected me, I still keep trying hard, hoping you will finally notice me. But I realised, no matter how hard I tried, you will never notice me, so there is no point to keep going. Its enough, I dont want to keep chasing a flyaway kite anymore. No matter how much Love I put in, it will never be return. Its enough, I give up.. Iam through Loving you..你走得太快忘了等待, 我追着心痛的节拍, 却没跟上来, 你判了我失败

I have done everything I can do for you for us for myself. Love cant be forced. Whats suppose to be mine will be mine. Everything happens with a good will and intention. Iam not sure if our destiny or fate has truely ended, time will tell. For now, there is nothing left of us already. Maybe we might cross path again in future, time will tell.

You have asked me to give you blessings. Iam sorry I cant bring myself to do that. But I wished you happiness, so long you are happy, I will be happy for you too.

I will be ok without you. Even thought the 8 yrs of memories and past will still haunt me at night sometimes. But I have cry lesser. I have put all these memories and past lock somewhere deep in my heart. I will stand up from where I fall and move on. I will believe in Love again when the right one comes for me.

我存在是因为(曾有)你存在, 我对你的依赖, 无尽的依赖这是我的爱

為什麼不能好好愛我, 為什麼要給我那些承諾, 為什麼要讓我以為會有未來
為什麼要這麼殘忍的離開, 為什麼不聞不問, 為什麼說走就走…
為什麼就不能多為我想想, 為什麼說不愛就不愛, 為什麼感情能收的這麼快
是你從不曾對我認真過, 還是你從未想過我們有以後…

知不知道我好想打給你, 知不知道我好想聽你的聲音, 知不知道每當電話響起時我有多希望是你
知不知道我有多愛多愛你, 知不知道我有多不想失去你, 我只是太過於愛你…

I know what I said now might not matters to you anymore. But this is something I want to say out and be remembered. Maybe 1 day when you have experienced lost and fall, and read this again, you will understand what I said and how I felt.

For now, sayonara my dearest love...



My World My Life

4:12 PM






My Beautiful Life ♥

19th Oct 2008

Wanted to go wet market with my mum, couldnt wake up and she expected it too so didnt wake me up lol..I woke up around 10am.. Did my morning work-outs b4 breakfast.. Lazy sunday.. I went to watch finish Lovely Complex and listen to songs. My dad went to JB to get his medicine as he fren drive him there and my mum asked him to go Holiday Inn to buy back the super nice Kueh Bahulu back, ever since my last trip to JB, 1st time I bought these back, my family totally hook. At first I wonder if he will pass by Holiday Inn, and if so, will he able to find the store since is his 1st time buying, so my hopes wasnt that high. But when he opened the door at 3pm, I rushed out and saw the big red plastic bag. I knew it, he is the man =) I love him!! He never seems to fail me!! When I saw the Kueh Bahulu, it did remind me my last trip to JB with him. As usual, it was fun since we went as group. They always say JB isnt all that safe, but going with him makes me feel very safe, especially the crowded JB custom n busy streets. Anyway it's over. Even alone, I will be ok, cant let it stop me from going..

The Kueh Bahulu, my dad brought back chocolate flavour too - the square box, I know Iam dieting but I cant resist..





Found a few more songs that are suitable for my grieving period.. Not for him.. Iam grieving for the death of the r/s.. I think music really heals, it makes me interpret what the lyrics are saying and relate to my own...


戴爱玲 - 累格

你说不是所有爱情
都能够酿成一首流行歌
我说不是所有分手
都能够再虚伪的做朋友
反正爱情里头
谁先放弃谁就是第三者
何必重蹈覆辙
爱已经累了无法再负荷
你听了很多你说了很多
你都没有错错在我太寂寞
谁居心叵测谁存心搅和
不必再挑拨我现在只想撤
let it go 别再说
let it go 别挽留
得不到断不了谁又曾想过
闯进爱里头心整个累格
有太多假设有太多揣测
幻灭这一刻任谁都逃不过
从缠绵悱恻到彼此沉默
爱情这首歌你跟我 key不合
泪已够别再说
累已够别挽留


戴爱玲 - 对的人

你问在我心中是否还苦恼
那次受伤否决了爱的好
谢谢你的关照我一切都好
一个人不算困扰

爱虽然很美妙却不能为了寂寞又陷了泥沼
爱要耐心等待仔细寻找感觉很重要
宁可空白了手等候一次真心的拥抱
我相信在(这个)世界上一定会遇到

对的人出现(在眼角)
那次流过的泪让我学习到
如何祝福如何转身不要
在眼泪体会到与自己拥抱
爱不是一种需要是一种对照
能愿意为了一份爱付出去多少
然后得到多少并不计较
当我想清楚的时候我就算已经准备好
放手去爱海阔天高
喔...耶...


周笔畅 李玖哲 - 你好吗

温柔的时间
抚平我们的亏欠
过几天过几年
伤会好一点
多久没见面
孩子气有没有变
还记得我们从前
笑的那么甜
baby 我想起你你有了他
是否依然为了爱变的很傻
我想起你你有一个他
好久都没说的话你好吗
温柔的缠绵
我也放下了依恋
我收着照片
安静在盒子里面
回忆是你我剩下
唯一的关联
问候是我对你
好想说出的话
现在你过的好吗
woo……ha……
ha……
我想起你你有了他

20th Oct 2008

Woke up, went for a short run at purmei hill around 10 plus and come back did some mild work ups. I realised my backaches came back, I can hardly bend my back, but i can still walk and run. The pain really hard to tolerate. In the afternoon, after lunch which consist of lettuce and chicken fillet, was busy updating my blog and online till evening when my mum came back. She brought back soup for dinner. So for dinner, I had soup and apple. I started playing with my bro's Rubik Cube with the instruction slip. He is at home, so when I got any prob will go pester him. He is kinda pissed with me lol. Finally, I managed to solve it after 10 plus. Brain dead, went to sleep early.



My World My Life

3:00 PM




Saturday, October 18, 2008

My Beautiful Life ♥

Some of what he said b4

I thought of posting of what he said before..so that I will rem this is wat he said before..

"ya ya ... i owe u owe everyone that i know ok ... i m selfish only pursue wat i want in life ... but nv spare a thought 4 u ... i nv end thing nicely n clamly wif u like a man ... i m a coward ok ... anyway i will get used 2 all these remarks n stares... i jus want to b wif the one that i love ... n she is the one that i truly love now ... n she is also true 2 me ... n i hav no regrets makin that decision in my life ..."

Yes you are selfish, very selfish. Childish not a man. Hope you wont have regrets too.

"if i nv make that decision... i think i will regret it 4 the rest of my life ... n both of us wont b happy ... when i only b wif u afraid that u will b sad n cant take it n i m not really happy nor wat i want in my life ... u know my very high expectations so not really anyone can b wif me ... i m not ordinary simple guy ... "

You are wrong, if you never make that decision, only you are not happy cos I was happy all along when being with you. So now you make that decision, only me who will be unhappy. Yes I will be sad and cant take it if you leave, but you have left, so wats the purpose of that statement now. Thank you for your pretence of being happy when you are actually not. Do you have very high expectations 8 yrs ago? This is something of you NOW that I dont like. Too arrogant, high confidence. Nobody is perfect, you are not as good as you thought you are. By saying it out, it disgust me.

"yes u r impt in my life b4 ... u were everythin but i guess through the yrs i hav grown up n i hav 2 b true 2 wat i want ... i did admit i was naive 2 make the promise of saying i will marry u n b wif u 4 the rest of ur life ... now i realise life is reality n mus b practical ... we cant stay in the fairtale land of our own ... we hav 2 grow up n b true 2 ourselves... i hav 2 b true 2 myself of wat i want ... "

You didnt really grow up mentally, you changed. You knew you wasnt this way when you are younger. Or did you know? Becoming too self-centered, complacent taking things for granted, selfish, arrogant, too confidence about yourself. Yes I agree is naive, naive to make such promise when you dont even like me as who I am at all. Yes we should be rational and practical, I cant say you shouldnt be true to yaself. But is your this true to myself hurt me deeply, it disappoint me too. Yea I hope you truely grow up mentally.

"sorry 4 the selfishness inside me... but i cant force myself 2 b happy when i know i m not ... i try 2 let it go as time goes by ... but after so many yrs i cant ... n i know i nv will... so i made this decision ... "

Indeed you are selfish. Thank you for your pretence to be happy when you are not, cos I was really happy being with you all these 8 yrs. Sorry that you will never be happy being with me.

"its jus a pure coincidence that she appeared n i decide 2 make this decision ... i dun deny a part is bcoz of her but mostly is i want 2 make this decision myself ... hope u understand ..."

To be true, I think you only have the courage to make this decision cos that woman appears and she didnt turn you down. I thank you for her appearance too, if not I will be living in your pretence and makes a fool of myself that you actually like or love me, when Iam just a companion to you all these years.

"from small when i say i want somethin i will get it ... bcoz i m the prince ... theres nothin i cant get ... unless its not within my mean... i hav 2 do wat my heart says if not i will live wif this regret 4ever ...sorry"

This speaks so much about you. Even the great King has his fall.

"i told u i can only giv u 99% its always that 1% that i mind so much n it spoils everythin... u dunno me thats y u cant feel it ..."

You are wrong. You didnt give me the 99%, if not you wont just fall for another so easilt and left so suddenly. I think it should be the other way round. You said you mind so much, so it should be 99% you mind and 1% of love.

"nvm lah ... this had past so dun talk abt it anymore ... 2 me i want 2 love that person 100% n feel safe n secure wif her ... n its boost my confidence n self esteem ... thats y i change... this is the real me ... "

Your confidence and self esteem is overflowing already. Anymore of those, I dont know what will become you.

"in my eyes u r always a small gal ..."

The things I do with you might be childish or I might seems childish, cos I want to get your attention and love. I want you to look at me and smile. Cos I knew you have much pride and ego, I want you to feel that you are the stronger 1 in the r/s, take charge of the r/s, the 1 that can take care of me. Knowing myself physically, I know I can only go for being cute and not sexy in the past. I think that make me seems even more child-like. I knew you always think Iam some1 cant think for myself. You are wrong. Iam not a small gal. I do think, I did think for my future, yours, ours. I think when you always said "I dont know", I think and plan when you always said "Anything", I put in thoughts and Iam not trying to argue nor disagree with you when I give you my opinions about the negative side of things. Iam sensitive to ppl around me, and at least I think before I speak. If Iam a small gal, I wont be even writing all these stuffs.

"i thought i can take care of u all the time ... but i also got my limit n i m really tired already ... i need someone that can take care of me ... n i can also in turn take care of her ... the care that she giv me n i giv her is different ..."

I always thought the bf should be the 1 taking care of gf, like a man.

"ya ... i m afraid i will regret in future if we really get married ... i can only care 4 u as a fren ... nothin more nothin less ... it will stay this ways"

Yea Iam glad that we arent married, cos I dont want to marry some1 who dont love me whole heartedly too. Not to the you now, who cant even take care of the situation well, left alone taking care marraige n family.

"i thought u will change 4 me... but u nv did... until somethin big happens... i gav u so much time but u nv realise it on ur own ... always expect me 2 say out 2 u ... i m really tired of that ... we 2gether 4 so long but we jus dun hav that special click ..."

The change you meant is losing weight. I want to change it myself, not when u keep talking about it. If we were to get marry, you think I dont have the consciences to be a beautiful bride? Who dont want to be the most beautiful bride? Guess, you did not trust me all along, never trust me at all. How to realise on my own when I thought we are blissfully together? Even if I expect you to say, but did u say it out? You always expect me to read your mind, I cant totally even if Iam good with thinking how others will feel.

"ya... now... but its all 2 late ... u should know that ...but seriously i dun feel anythin ... n i also got my limit... n i know it wont work out ..."

Late. You were the one who called the stop. Of cos you dont feel anything, there is no me in your eyes. Limit. Where are mine then? Is it fair that you are the only one who think it wont work out all along?



My World My Life

6:03 PM






My Beautiful Life ♥

16th Oct 2008

Woke up early again by the cooling breeze.. I knew I have to collect my spree stuff from Tampines at evening so Iam thinking of staying at Bestie D house for the night since only a few bus stops away.. Haha sorry to impose on her again..

For lunch, I make myself some chicken fillet and boiled cauliflower..at least better than lettuce.. after lunch I started watching a new anime I found "Lovely Complex" funny school life romance about this tall gal (172cm) in love with this short guy (158cm)..they started off bickering each other..then come is it possible for them to be together?.. defintely yes..height doesnt matter I guessed..

Then I was heading to Tampines, I was on the train listening to piano songs..think is bcos of the music.. I started to think that there are so many so many ppl in the world, is fate that we got to meet each other.. is hard to find some1 right you.. yet somebody can easily give it up.. Yup fate that brought us together n fate that brought us apart.. What am I thinking again.. next I know I reached Tampines..

After I collect my stuff I head to Bestie D house.. We chat abit.. She is listening to my "why" ranting again.. She talked about her past relationships.. then come night we got hungry and we walked to Bedok 85(famous ba cho mee), we ordered wu xiang.. haiz.. I knew Iam dieting but I need some time off I guess. Seeing her enjoying her food, feels good for me too..

We took a slower stroll back to digest the food.. after we bath, we play cards and watch NRWZD.. Guess Iam too sleepy I keep dozing off and watching..Its 4am...

17th Oct 2008

I kept waking n sleeping at Bestie D house maybe bcos I still think uncontrollably. By the time I fully woke up is 2pm, take a shower..Wait for her to wake up n watch her prepared for her gathering later.. How nice dolling up.. But now I hardly have the mood to do that.. I will if I got dates to go out lol..

By the time we left her house is around 6pm.. took 65 straight bus home.. darn it took 1 and half hour..By the time I reached home darn hungry.. didnt eat a thing since I woke up..

Watch abit of TV then felt tired.. Lay on bed, texting with Bestie B and I fell asleep..

Her last sentence was "make sure u cest la vie"..

18th Oct 2008

Woke up early.. Trying to use my new fitness belt with my mild work-outs.. helps you to tighten your tummy and burn fats when work-outs.. Not bad I guess.. Was watching MTV when doing work-outs, to distract me from peeping the clock too many times..

I watch 《稻香》周杰伦.. I felt kind of peaceful reading the lyrics and listening.. The song tell us not to hold onto failure for too long, as people tend not to walk ahead once fall down...dont be afraid to fall.. It gives me motivation to move on..

I tend to read the lyrics now when listening to songs.. Cos most of the time, the lyrics speak true, like how my heart feels.. Music do heal..

《稻香》歌词

☆词/曲 周杰伦 编曲/林迈可☆

对这个世界如果你有太多的抱怨
跌倒了就不敢继续往前走
为什么人要这么的脆弱 堕落
请你打开电视看看
多少人为生命在努力勇敢的走下去
我们是不是该知足
珍惜一切 就算没有拥有

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡
随著稻香河流继续奔跑
微微笑 小时候的梦我知道
不要哭让萤火虫带著你逃跑
乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
回家吧 回到最初的美好

不要这麼容易就想放弃
就像我说的
追不到的梦想 换个梦不就得了
为自己的人生鲜艳上色
先把爱涂上喜欢的颜色
笑一个吧 功成名就不是目的
让自己快乐快乐这才叫做意义
童年的纸飞机
现在终於飞回我手里

所谓的那快乐
赤脚在田里追蜻蜓追到累了
偷摘水果被蜜蜂给叮到怕了
谁在偷笑呢
我靠著稻草人吹著风唱著歌睡著了
哦 哦 午后吉它在虫鸣中更清脆
哦 哦 阳光洒在路上就不怕心碎
珍惜一切 就算没有拥有

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡
随著稻香河流继续奔跑
微微笑 小时候的梦我知道
不要哭让萤火虫带著你逃跑
乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
回家吧 回到最初的美好

In the evening, I met up with Bestie QM @ The Pump Room @ Clark Quay for a drink.. Nice place.. It serves home brew beer.. We chose 1 that taste similar to Hoegarden.. We chat for awhile.. We talked about how something have to let go.. "If it is yours it will always be yours, If it is not, no matter how you try to keep it, it will never be yours".. I remember saying that to Mr D in the past.. I thought Iam some1 who can do that easily.. I was wrong Iam not as tough as I thought.. It will take alot of effort to do that.. We talked about how some ppl have seperated..go around a long circle and finally together again.. I guess fate plays apart too.. She told me some important things about r/s.. She said a r/s should be 1 that make both of you change together to be better and shouldnt be that only 1 change for the other.. cos you should love the person as who he/she is and not love the person you try to make he/she to be.. Hence you shouldnt lose yourself in a r/s.. You are who you are, nobody will be the same as you..

We also talked about how we should plan our Sat to do stuff together.. Like go jog, play tennis, badminton, roller blading, sun tan..

We were sitting outside and then went inside for the live band later.. The live band really cool, sings very well..Then there are ppl who holds Hen Party, Stag Party there.. The Band make the guy take off take off the pants left boxer and smack each other ass I think, couldnt see well..huge crowd blocking.. We hang around till 11 plus then head home.. so nice of Bestie's fren TF to offer come and drive Bestie home.. of cos I got a free trip home too haha.. was surprised he still remember roughly where I live.. good driver man lol..

This is a gift from Bestie.. Meji dark mushroom choc.. Kawaii.. I Luv some other Meji stuff too..Any 1 knows? Maybe next time I will buy and post it here =)



All my Besties are angels to me..so heart warming n touch.. the things they do for me.. How will I ever repay them =)



My World My Life

2:57 PM




Thursday, October 16, 2008

My Beautiful Life ♥

15th Oct 2008

Woken up by the cool breeze.. The cool breeze sweep past my cheeks and leave a tinge of warm from the sun..Is really nice way to wake up maybe cos I lived near the sea and mountain?? lol I sound like I live in a mansion..

Did some mild work outs then eat my brunch..



Same chicken fillet with lettuce.. but the chicken is terriyaki this time.. I think Iam going to throw up if I eat anymore of these.. But I must carry on lol.. Determination..

I met Bestie QM in the afternoon for a body spa session at Subtle Senses at 2pm, so sweet of her to treat me.. We expected a body massage but it turn out to be slimming session with body wrap steam bath n slimming machine.. I met her at the steam bath.. Iam laughing and saying that she's so slim n still do slimming session then she said no choice le..After this I walk back with her to office since I need to take mrt at Raffles Place.. Before she left, she gave me this..



So sweet and nice of her to DIY this..It did reminds me somebody that didnt do such things since a long long time ago.. Anyway the card is really cool.. It has a msg inside.. It said that "Iam here always for u.. juz give me a call & I'll be there. Do not be afraid coz we all here..'u are the BEST!!' always remember this, k?"

Thank you sweet!! Iam glad u all here when Iam alone in the dark.. I dont know what will I be now without u all.. Though sometimes I do feel afraid lost n hurt.. but Iam standing up from where I fallen, taking steps to walk out the dark.. All thanks to u all for the support n encouragement which makes me alot stronger.. Iam the BEST!! Iam the BEST he will ever had!! He is blind to never see!! He is stupid to never know!!

After the spa, I met up with Bestie D for movie at Orchard Cine. I have always wanted to watch "Closing The Ring". I cant resist those sad romance movies..I knew Iam not in the right state to watch these kind of movies..I will cry like no tomorrow.. Whatever...

We have a drink b4 the movie, went starbucks..



After movie, is quite late, we went dinner at NYDC at Wheelocks.. Iam sick of lettuce, hence I ordered mushrooms grilled with cheese n ham.. pathetic portion haha only 5 tiny button mushrooms. Well as usual Bestie D has her salad.







Is a WWII inspired story.. The story unfold across two continents - America & Belfast Ireland, across two timelines - 1941 & 1991.. It starts off at 1991 when the lead actress Ethel Ann(Shirley MacLaine) with Jack (Christopher Plummer) smoking outside a church where her husband has just passed away..She didnt grieve nor showed any sadness..at the other a continent..a simple minded teen Jimmy Reilly (Martin McCann) helping the former fireman Michael Quinlan (Pete Postlethwaite) dig around Black Mountain and found a gold ring that lead to the past 50 yrs ago..

Jack (Gregory Smith), Chuck (David Alpay) and Teddy (Stephen Amell) are three buddies who join the air force, and are training to be pilots, navigators and gunners, whatever it takes to bring them to the skies. Mischa Barton stars as young Ethel Ann who's the flower amongst the group, but only having romantic feelings for Teddy, whom she married in secret before the trio got shipped away to join the war...but just as expected as the movie will flow.. Teddy's plan crushed and died.. The young Ethel Ann then married to Chuck whom her parents always pressured her to and later they have a daughter.. Both Chuck n Jack have always love Ethel Ann. Sadly because of the promise she made to Jack that she will only love him n her heart has no room for another, she didnt give any love to her husband n daugther which makes her cold n cruel..The ring also bring the closure to her tormented past.. As before Teddy died, he told the former fireman Michael Quinlan (Pete Postlethwaite) to bring the ring to Ethel Ann and tell her that she is freed, but an explosion caused the lost of the ring and the truth be told only 50 yrs later.. When the older Ethel Ann learnt that, she cry and greive for the 1st time in 50 yrs, she didnt cry when Teddy died.. The older Jack has also come true to his heart that all these years he couldnt forget Ethel Ann, even he has married 3 times before..

I like the plot..the story seems original.. but I cant help but think..Is it possible to pine for someone for so long, or to lock away your heart so cruelly that you shut off affections even for your own child??..Like Jimmy asked towards the end..Can you really promised to love only once?..In the past I do, when I knew that some1 only has me n love me only, I will reciprocate by giving all my love to him only, my heart only has room for him and my eyes only for him, no other temptations and seductions and no 1 will crushed this sentiment of mine... Thats the past.. He has left knowing this.. He is not worthy for this sentiment anymore..

I found this somewhere, "Never make promises you can't fulfill, otherwise you'll find that nagging feeling coming back to haunt you, and it can be quite uncomfortable, unless of course it doesn't bother you as far as integrity and trustworthiness are concerned. Then again there's the living a lie, of not being true to yourself, which sometimes can be tricky when it deals with affairs of the heart, where ignorance may be bliss."

To me.. a promise even if it is broken.. it will always be there to remind u that some1 has promised u this before and it is never fulfill...



My World My Life

1:51 AM




Tuesday, October 14, 2008

My Beautiful Life ♥

14th Oct 2008

Today woke up with body aching from yest work out lol..As it was midmorning, I decided to just have brunch. My brunch is chicken fillet wrap in lettuce, marinated with honey soy n pan fry with a little olive oil..taste not bad.. it might be better if it is fresh chicken fillet instead of frozen..



After brunch I walked to Shop n Save which is 15min away from my house to help my mum get sugar, I got more chicken fillet cos is on sale, think is near to expire, doesnt matter since is bloody cheap..280g for $1.80 lol..

I was reading in the afternoon and my mum asked me if i want to go NTUC with her. Usually we walked there, is like 30min walk from our house. She said she want exercise abit n nothing to buy lol..Is 1pm.. freaking hot walk.. She said nothing to buy but in the end we bought 5kg pack of rice, 3.5L of bleach, 2L olive oil, 2 bottles oyster sauce, kitchen rolls, n some food stuff.. Of cos Iam the 1 who carry the rice, olive oil n bleach, cant bear for her to carry.. Lucky I reached home safely with arms still intact..

At night, chat with a long lost fren, she's my ex collg much older. I told her Iam not good these days when she asked me "how are you?", immediately she asked me listen to this song - BAZ LUHRMANN - EVERBODY'S FREE (TO WEAR SUNSCREEN) listen to lyrics carefully. I heard this song b4 when it 1st came out, but I didnt really listen to lyrics cos the song is like a person talking. She told me she listen to this whenever she is sad. Now, I got what she's saying, the song is actually very meaningful. It speaks about life, teach you how to live your life better..

BAZ LUHRMANN - EVERBODY'S FREE (TO WEAR SUNSCREEN)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
Wear Sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future,
sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience
I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh nevermind,
you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself
and recall in a way you can’t grasp now, how much possibility lay before you
and how fabulous you really looked,
you are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts,
don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind,
the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults,
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life,
the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22
what they wanted to do with their lives,
some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t,
Maybe you’ll divorce at 40,
Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary
What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can, don’t be afraid of it,
or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurtin, but I've been waitin' to be there for you
And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings, they are the best link to your past
and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard,
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander,
you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young
prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
Maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia,
dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off,
painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen

Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurtin, but I've been waitin' to be there for you
And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can
Everybody's free oh yeah
Everybody's free oh yeah



My World My Life

9:12 PM






My Beautiful Life ♥

13th Oct 2008

Today started quite bad.. Woke up at 10.30am, have the intention to go jogging, but right after I put on my sneakers, it started to rain, haiz.. So with my sneakers still on, I did the workouts at the living room instead. I did invisible skipping, invisible threadmil, half push ups, half sit ups, and some weight lifting.

While I was cooling down standing, I read last night chinese paper. Came across this article about this lady now age of 30 whom at 1 time take like 20 slimming pills a day to lose weight, too extreme.. She was chubby since young, at the age of 12 she started to diet excessively.. the weight went up n down.. out of balance.. then at the age of 23 she discovered that she had a hole in her intestine mainly due to the pills she is popping non stop.. too scary.. She did all this cos of her 11yrs long bf whom she met when she was working part time during vacation.. The guy is tall and handsome, an airline steward.. which makes her very inferior and insecure.. so whenever he went on long haul.. she will secretly go into extreme dieting.. though the guy did not mind her being fat at all nor did he request her to go to lose those fat..the love has conquered all..He love who she is..Now she lives a normal healthy diet..And they are getting marry next year..

After I read, I felt their love is so sweet and great.. It reminds me of my own.. Why it couldnt end this way too.. Why he couldnt treat me the same way too.. Tears just flowed down again.. My mum was there.. Frowning, she asked me y did I cry again.. Guilty.. I told her my eyes pain and quickly went for a shower..

In the afternoon, I met up with Bestie WY & D for movie at cineleisure. We have planned to watch Mama Mia!! last week. The show is 3pm and I reached just on the dot.. oops.. when we reached 9th floor and checked in, then we realised that the tix is for House Bunny.. That ticket guy's fault.. so we head back down 5th floor to change and by the time we reached 6th floor the show started le.. haiz miss abit beginning.. overall the show is good..like musical..



However.. there is this song in the movie hit me to the bones.. at that moment I want to just grab the person beside me.. I fight to hold back tears..This is the song..The Winner Takes It All by ABBA.. ABBA member Bjorn Ulvaeus wrote this after separating from wife and fellow band member, Agnetha. It's about a divorce where one person doesn't want to separate and clings desperately to the marriage.

This song speaks true to what I felt now..Read the lyrics..It speaks my heart..

Love is really like a game.. Either there is a winner or a loser.. The winner will takes it all.. But Iam thinking why love isnt a fair game?? It will only be fair when 2 are happily together.. When things get ugly n rough.. Then some1 will be the winner n the other will be the loser..

I hated the fact that Iam the loser.. I have played all my cards and more.. In what way did he deserved to win?? Maybe is bcos I have always let him had the upperhand in the game.. He has the control of the game.. Too kind to him..Too trusting to him.. My naive mistake..

Love can be a cruel game, do you dare to play?

The Winner Takes It All

I don't wanna talk
About things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser's standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
cause it makes me feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all



After the movie, we went to PS Cafe Cartel for dinner.. The ribs belong to Bestie WY and the others are chef salad =) After dinner, we hang around PS and went home at 10 plus..

Today, I do feel quite messed up at night..now..the emptiness that create the urge to reach out to run to..



My World My Life

1:19 AM




Sunday, October 12, 2008

My Beautiful Life ♥

10th Oct 2008

Today was supposed to be the gathering of my tikam frens and Mr D will be there too. Cause he knows them too. I was kind of happy to see him and sad that this is the 1st time we appeared in front of them as no longer a couple. At first, is really awkward, I dont know how to behave in front of him. I tried to be normal, hide my disappointment and sadness. Do the usual stuff, all of us tikam, have dinner n have drinks at Carls Jr. My frens G & L came back from Japan, so they showed us the photos on their lappy, we talked n crap. Then is time to go home.

As usual, Mr D and I head the same direction home. We talked, and I have forgotten why suddenly is talked about he and that woman. The subject of the woman said if he no longer with her, she will stay single forever. And he promised her that he will be stay by her side forever. I was stunned and angry that why he make such a promise? so he is not concerned about his own future? The feelings were so strong that I cried. He told me he had broken his promise to me, and I have broken mine too so we are even. Is like what did I break? He couldnt answered but say there is. He said this time he will be true to his promise and wont hurt that woman. When Iam home, I rethink what has happened. I thought why do I still care about him?? He doesnt want to care about his future, why do I still care for him?? He said he wont hurt that woman, and what he did to me now is only hurt and more hurts, why do I still care for him?? Promises? Forever? In the past Mr D also said to me that he will love me and stay with me forever. So what happen now? Forever? Bullshit. There is no forever...not everything will goes as planned in life...you can only try to make it last as long as possible..

11th Oct 2008

Today I meet up with Bestie S. I went to her house 1st, cause she want to do some research on concealers, she wanted to buy a good concealer to cover her dark spots. Actually, she said laser is the best way to get rid of them, but is too expensive. Dark spots occurred becos of UV rays, so is best to always slap on some sunblock b4 going out. But for me is hopeless, cos I put swimming as part of my exercises regime, so is confirmed I will faced the UV rays. We then head to taka to try the concealers, we didnt expect so many people as there is additional 15% sale for taka card members, so that explains the huge overcrowding. She tried the YSL highligher which is highly raved by many, is really quite good, smooth glide on and conceal power not bad. Tried some other brands. Then saw la parier, I told her this is not bad as I have their foundation. She tried the concealer and taken by the conceal power as well. Is better than the YSL. But the card is with her sis so she can only buy the next day.

After Taka, we head to MS to collect her Potion number 9 from Chapter 2. Then dinner at Breeks, thought is cheaper alternative, we both ordered pasta. Haha but she complained is too soft. During dinner we chat abit. She said my face looked like the sky is gonna fall down soon. I told her think I cried too much previous night, so face is goner. After dinner, we went citylink shop for her working clothes. We then head back MS to shop awhile more.

After which, I suggest that we head over to Espanlade to chat more. Think is a Sat, so quite crowded. We sit by the sea to chat. Talked about my problems. When I told her how MR D mind that Iam too fat n ugly when we hold hands go out together when seen by others. Then S said, then MR D dun mind how others see him and his new beau? ppl confirm can see that they are ages apart, then like dat he dun mind la? Iam like wow ya hor y I didnt think of that... We talked about fate and destiny.. Y this thing happen to me.. Maybe is a sign something better coming.. We talked about y dont ever be the 3rd party, cause what goes around comes around, karma.. I listened to her stories as well cause her life is not that smooth sailing either. She told me everybody will have problems in life, is whether how u can see it positively so u can get over them easily. It started drizzle, we then head over to the bus stop to take bus home, lucky we are in the same direction.

We chat more on the way back.. She said she can see how unwillingly that Iam letting go, struggling to put everything back in shape if there is chance, cos Iam Lai Man.. She knows how in the past, I struggle to save the relationship time after time when it should have ended. But this time is really serious.. definitely Iam not at fault.. But S said this happen, is his fault, that woman fault and my fault.. I asked her what is my fault then? S said, 1) Iam too caring (bao rong) to him, like everything I will just take it for him even at times when he is over the board. 2) Iam too relying on him, I should have not pin all my hopes and dreams on him. In the end Iam the 1 who got disappointed and hurt. 3) Iam too attached to the r/s, I should have stop the r/s when it should have end long ago.

S also said that I shouldnt shut myself and gave up hope on love again. One day when a man truly loves you, much more than you do to him, naturally you will accept him slowly. She said when some1 loves you, you dont have to do much to get his love, he will comes to you.

Then she added that, if Iam not with Mr D, I will be quite "wild"? Haha I was like wat? S said I am some1 who like freedom, friends ask u go out, hardly reject type...hmm maybe..

12th Oct 2008

Today is family day. In the afternoon, I went to Chinatown with my mum to stock up toiletries and go Yue Hua and Sheng Xiong to stock up food products. Again, we struggle to get home with our loots. Too much to handle, lucky we got seats on the bus. On the way to Sheng Xiong, I saw Mr D's father at the coffee shop, I couldnt help but think of him abit.

When we are back, packed the stuff. I rest for awhile then take a shower cos of the hot weather. And I start my blogging then stop awhile for dinner then back typing =)



My World My Life

10:23 PM