The picture is clearerAfter so long, talking to many Besties n talking to Fren A.. I think I have a clearer picture and mind now..
I realised that the whole episode thing is not my fault.. I shouldnt blame myself and help him find anymore excuses for this failed r/s..
He is the one who cant resist the temptation outside and cheated behind my back and leave this r/s.. He is the one who put down this 8 yrs r/s.. He is the 1 being superficial, who told me looks is very important to him, it completes the whole package..Superficial.. My ex tutor told me, man who are superficial are pigs.. This I love you 99% but I cant get over that 1% thing is total crap..
Yes, he is the one who has always take good care of me physically and daily things.. but I think I have done my part too..
I have been waiting for him.. I have wait for him to get through NS faithfully, giving him care and love when I know he is struggling to get by.. I still want to wait for him, when he told me he want to study Uni too.. I respect his decision though I thought it might be better for him to work 1st cos after all he is a guy, to gain work experience and maybe next time study part time if needed since he already lost 2 yrs in NS.. But I still wait for him.. Thinking I graduate 1st, work 1st to save money to get marry.. I have been waiting for him all along.. even when he has nothing to offer me.. Iam willing to wait for him to build a future together.. I dont need a nice house or a car.. I only want a decent place to stay with him.. All this while I have been waiting.. waiting for him to grow up and be a good man..
And now he say leave then leave.. Dont care about his future and can even dont study the last year of Uni just to be with that woman..
Iam the one who always help him through.. when he say dont know this dont know that.. Iam the one who bother and go look up the stuff then tell him.. when I started my toy blog, Iam not familiar with the html thing, asked him since he has a Info system Dip.. in the end Iam the 1 end up doing all the stuff.. When he was younger he has low confidence about himself.. Iam the 1 who always praise him and encourage him to do things and not to be scared failing.. Iam the 1 who always put my absolute trust and believe in him, so to let him gain more confidence..
Before breaking up.. He once commented that I didnt give him much stuff except the Swatch watch he remembered quite clearly.. He is not some1 who like to shop, especially buying his own things.. So I took this up for him.. I wanted to tell him "open up ya wardrobe and see for yourself", I still remember the last I help him buy is a Topman Shirt and a tie for my Fren G's wedding.. When he said he wanted a crumpler, I bought him something similar cos quite broke to afford crumpler.. When he said he wanted a bigger bag for JB trip, I bought him something when I last went to HK.. I know he is a tee, berm, slipper person.. bought him a pair of Havaianas, cos more comfortable for walking.. I take note when he comment he need or want something cos I know he wont get it himself.. Whenever I do shopping, he is on my mind.. Will automatically look for guy stuff too.. It has becomes a habit.. Even now.. When I realised it, my excuse will become is for my brother.. How pathetic.. But in the end he told me all these stuff dont get into his heart.. He didnt say he want it or need it.. I knew him too well, he will say these stuff...
Whenever we fight or quarrel, Iam always the one who give in first, apologised.. Cos I dont want it to hurt the r/s.. He has the stubborn n ego.. There are only 2 times throughout the 8yrs that I ever slapped him. 1st time, happened when he went too much in the fight, he told me if I want to talk to him, he will only hear when I go to his house to talk.. I was so angry I slapped him once I get into his house. 2nd time, the sat date he told me about the cheating and the woman.. I felt so much anger and hurt that I gave him a tight slap..
When this episode happen, I still stood by his side till the very end.. A part of me wanted him to see the light and comes back to me, another part of me I want to see all these to the end.. After he hurt me so, of all the things he did, I still care for him.. Scare the woman is 2 timing him, just treat me as a companion/ toy boy.. Worried he has no friends since he is always living in his own world.. Worried about his future since he said he can dont care about the future for that woman.. Worried that with his those characteristics will he make it in the future.. Worried if he is able to take care his family and his aging grandma, give them a better life.. Worried if he can pass his last year of Uni.. Endlessly worry for him.. it just comes naturally..
Sadly, after all these.. He didnt see it, didnt see me.. He gave his love to some1 else and left me.. Sometimes I wonder do I still have that tiny space in his heart? Or he has totally forgotten me? After all is 8 yrs.. I know that I shouldnt count the period.. Some ppl can just date for 1 year n blissfully married.. Bottom line is the love b/w 2 persons that make things work.. The 8 yrs have become a pity, a shame..
I have a clearer pic now.. 8 yrs I have spent with him, giving my best, waiting n trying to build a future, after all I have done and tried and I still lose it all.. is enough.. I give up.. I shouldnt dwell on this anymore.. I shouldnt still have the slightest thoughts being with him, he gave this 8 yrs up, dont see a future of himself, has nothing to offer me... I shouldnt still dwell and willingly sink with him..
Iam still young - 23, still have a bright future if I shape it properly, still have alot of things waiting for me to do.. I can still build my dreams without him.. I wont give up the thought of marrying young and have kids of my own.. I want to have a career and earn as much as possible when Iam still young and able to.. I want to provide my parents a better retirement since they have been working so hard for my brother and me.. I want to bring my mum to travel, to visit as many places as possible, she has been backpacking before she have me at 28.. I think I got her love of travel too..
We only live once in a life time.. I want to live.. Iam going to treasure and enjoy every moment of the rest of my life.. We never know when it is going to end and time wait for no one.. I will treasure my family, they will be with me forever(I dare say forever in this)I will treasure my friends, they are the ones who stood by me in the ups and downs of my life, never left me. I hope we can be friends forever, I hope I can be a tiny part of your life too..(I dare say forever in this too).. This episode really thought me to treasure.. Even the closest thing you have can be lost through time.. I know nothing is forever.. Only treasure..
He once told me if he didnt do this, he will regret for life.. and thats no turning back for him now.. I hope I can be his regret for life then.. at least he will remembered me for life.. Once he told me that he was not happy being with me all along.. Now, I hope tt woman can love him more than I do, can care for him more than I do..take care of him...
They say the amount of love you have = amount of hurt you will feel.. The love must be alot then, cos the hurt seems never ending.. killing me softly.. I really wish all the happy memories with him can overwrite the hurts.. but is not working.. too painful..
I still want to live, want to move on... Iam not "a small gal"..
Something I wanted to say to him.."Live, grow up, be a better man, proves to me that I didnt make the wrong choice of choosing you!!"..